Sleep

Yesterday marked the beginning of another sleep reset for me.  As the evening wore on I found that I really didn't feel all that tired but when the time came we got ready for bed and I found I had no trouble at all.  My wife tells me that I slept very soundly.  Apparently I slept so deeply that I have no recollection of anything that happened this morning. 

Normally the cat pesters me awake between 4 am and 5 am, but this morning I apparently slept through all of his attempts.  I have no memory of the alarm or the my wifes attempts at waking me.  The only thing I remember was her last attempt before leaving for work. 

Even though I know I've had more than 8 hours of sleep it took everything I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, and after I was up I continued to be tired and groggy.  This in paticular is unusual for me.  As my wife will tell you once I wake up I am normally full energy and full of pep (which often drives her crazy).  The drive to work was hard, I felt as though I were falling asleep and even now a nap sounds like a great idea.

I can't imagine that I actually need MORE sleep!  Maybe my body / mind is just confused.

Circadian rhythm sleep disorder

Interestingly enough I was about to blog about how I feel like my body was born in one time zone and my brain in another. While titling this particular entry I used google to spell check the word Circadian and I came across a rather intriguing article by accident. Circadian rhythm sleep disorder As I scanned through the article the entry on Delayed sleep phase syndrome in particular caught my eye. "People with DSPS, more common than Non-24, do entrain to nature's 24 hours, but are unable to sleep and awaken at socially preferred times, sleeping instead, for example, from 4 a.m. to noon." 4a.m to noon was exactly the times in which I had planned on mentioning! Coincidence? Am I just seeing what I want to see?!? I have had problems sleeping ever since I was a baby. Supposedly the doctor instructed my parents to align my sleep schedule with theirs which at the time was 3rd shift. As I got older however I am told they were unable to "shake" the sleep pattern they imprinted originally. Whether there is any truth or science to the explanation is a matter of conjecture but the consequence still remains. I have often lamented my disdain for the way the world treats time. Why can it not be the same time everywhere? 5am here should be 5am everywhere. I think people are unable to deal with time so abstractly. People want 3pm to mean the afternoon. If its 3pm everywhere then these concepts would not hold true. In any case my sleep pattern as of late is a matter of some frustration. I have tried laying down and closing my eyes and simply keeping them closed. I have laid in bed sometimes for hours without falling asleep. I will say I have noticed that I have an uncanny knack for somehow always looking at the clock at 12:34am. The minutes tick away into hours and still no rest comes. Lately I just get up and work or watch TV or play a game. Sometime around 4a.m I find that I am tired and I slip into bed and every fiber of my being wants to stay there until around 11am or noon. Once I am up, I am up for good and I have no desire to nap. Sometimes when the cycle gets bad or goes on for a while I try to do what I call a hard reset. During this period I just don't give into my desire to sleep in the morning and instead I push on through the day. The hope being that by the time a normal sleeping times comes around I will be tired. Interesting enough I am not absolutely miserable or exhausted during these sleepless periods. There are little times throughout the day when I "feel it" but they are few and far between. Anymore these "hard resets" don't seem to be as effective as they have in the past. I am loath to take a sleep aid but perhaps it will help me re-establish a work friendly sleep schedule. Either that or I could try and change the worlds viewpoint on "working hours". I'm not sure which would be easier.

Re-realization

I am pretty sure I have realized this before and it has probably just slipped my mind.  I talk.  Alot.  It's ok though because the realization is no one listens.  I would say on average during any conversation if someone actually listens 60% of what I am saying then I'm doing good.  In honesty I'm not even sure why I find it surprising.  I shouldn't since it's been constant theme throughout the whole of my life.  Somehow though every so often I forget this lesson and carry on like someone gives a damn.  Silly me.

A new week

I had feeling before I even woke up this morning that I was going to forget something. Although I tried to counter this feeling with a little extra diligence this morning it seems to have been in vain. I must admit however that out of the things I could have forgotten my Ipod cable has far less impact. I have an 83% charge and no plans to watch video. We will see how the battery holds up. Additionally I turn my brightness down quite a bit to make the best use of the battery.

Overall I am still really dissappointed that the new Ipod Touch for the holiday has no camera. So many of the apps are built around this feature that it's absense is quite noticable. I understand that the new Ipod Nano's only do video. From the explanations I have read it seems that size of the camera / sensor for shooting stills is thicker than required for shooting video. This is supposively why the Iphone has one and the Touch does not. My personal feeling on the matter is to simply increase the thickness of the Touch.
I looked very hard at the new Droid phone from Verizon. Hardware and capability wise it is a better product with a lot more possibilities. That said, it isn't an Iphone. Apple has a good headstart in this market and their product has set a standard of what people expect. The problem with Apple is that it's faithful zealots are both a boon and a bane. Believers support the company and cling to Apples direction with unquestioning tenacity. Blind followers however are just that, blind. The willingness of Apples dedicated customer base accept anything given to them as "the way it should be, so sayeth the Apple" will ultimately hold the company back and rob them of their headstart. Surrounding yourself with "yes men" will only tell you what you want to hear. Peel back the layer of the surrounding fanatics listen for a moment at the things you NEED to hear before it's to late.
I am looking forward trying out the Droid and with Google Android behind it I have high but cautious hopes. I believe Google sometimes suffers from the same malladies as Apple but only time will tell.

[iBlogger'd from my iPod!]

4:11am

On more than one occasion this year my mind has wandered as it has tonight. It seems more often than not that the roads it travels lead back to a dream I had some time ago. (http://igetdistracted.blogspot.com/2009/01/dream.html) Much of the intense feeling of the experience has since faded but the memory has not. I can not recall another dream of its likeness despite my efforts. So many seemingly random things seem to point towards something that the rational part of me simply does not want to acknowledge let alone accept. Sometimes it seems too frequent to be mere coincidence, and other times I am forced to remind myself that sometimes we see things that aren't there simply because some part of us wishes them to be.

Feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and alone.

I'm a Maniac Maniac!

Decent song. In all seriousness though, as far as I can tell based on my experience I believe I am in the middle of a manic episode. Nothing has changed that I know of but for whatever reason this particular instance seems just outside of medicinal control. I realized on the way to work today just how long its been since I've really been gripped by this particular feeling.

Mania is an interesting and complicated problem in my opinion. Feelings associated with problems like depression are generally negative. The person feels down, sad, or perhaps just tired. Depression doesn't "feel" good. Mania on the other hand is like a drug. You generally feel good, full of energy. You feel as though you can take on the world, and your mind feels as though its expanded and capable of tackling the mysteries of life. How do you turn away from that? Why would want to?

The downside? It's hard to see at first. The easiest negative to identify is "coming down". Mania like depression an extreme. When you are manic, especially for long periods of time it can make mania seem like a norm. This means when you finally run out of energy (and you will eventually) you return to equilibrium. The problem is equilibrium is still a step down from what you are used to so instead of associating the feeling with a norm it becomes negative. Many times this down step in turn leads to another down step that becomes depression. When you are "coming down" you are no longer manic so it very easy to rationalize that mania is not the problem since you don't feel bad during the actual episode.

With time and experience you begin to realize other negative impacts. Although your mind "feels as though its expanded" nothing you think about ever really seems to come to conclusion. Your thoughts resemble the clique ramblings of hippie pot smokers from tv sitcoms. Your thoughts are significant they just SEEM that way at the time. More energy, sounds great until try to quantify the results of your efforts. How many tasks did you bring to fruition during your episode? Sure I can tackle one hundred tasks for countless hours, but its rare that do very many of them justice.

As I write this I did not sleep last night at all and although I know that I am tired I can not feel it. It's taken me a long time just to recognize whats happening to me as its actually happening. Recognition is half the battle, now what the hell do I do? So far I don't believe that its out of hand, but isn't that what all addicts say? Am I an addict? I felt that rush of energy this morning and I remembered that feeling and how long it seems to have been. I suppose I just have to keep in mind that the higher you climb the farther you fall.

Oh something shiny!

Here's a good example of what its like for me. From what I have read it might be a good example of a lot of people with ADHD. Your average person reads or speaks a sentence in a pretty straight forward manner. For example the sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps right over the lazy dog". Normally you read or speak that sentence without too much thought. Here's and idea of how this sentence plays out for me.

"The quick" quick... its odd that's adverb and a noun, like the quick of your fingernail. People always say it cuts to the quick, I wonder where that comes from. I wonder if its spelled the same way. Do your toes have a quick on them too? Makes me think of that rabbit for Nestle Quick. They should change it from fox to rabbit. "brown fox" dunno but to me foxes should be red like on that movie the Fox and the Hound. I'm a hound dog! "jumps right" as though they could jump left? "over the lazy dog". You know, I know over is a preposition but I thought prepositional phrases were usually three words. I wonder if the adjective lazy changes it at all so its no longer a prepositional phrase. If it doesn't I wonder how many different adjectives you can add before it would change it? Is there a limit?

That probably seems like an exaggeration, but I can say from experience that sometimes the previous paragraph is pretty accurate. Realize that although you are reading it in a linear fashion many of thoughts in between the words of the sentence can happen at once. Often times it almost seems as though the act of reading or speaking is running on a completely different process than thinking allowing them to run in tandem. The problem is that you can quite literally speak without realizing exactly what your saying.

Another odd little quirk that I have and wonder if it might be typical of other people with ADHD. I have a problem with repetition of patterns. The best example I can think of at the moment would be something like guitar hero. Some songs have a very simple repeated pattern throughout the entire song. While I can master the pattern fairly quickly I can not continue it very long before completely messing it up. However I seem to have far less problems with the more complicated pieces of the songs. It occurred to me what the problem is. If I am doing something in repetition that does not require thought then my mind tends to wander. When that happens my hands get out of sync. I realize guitar hero is just a game and please understand I am using it only as an example. There are many other areas of my life that are affected by this problem.

I keep wondering if my problem is unique to me or indicative of other people with ADHD?

I spent yesterday's drive home as I often do, thinking and reflecting. At the time I was still feeling pursued by my constant predator; anxiety. I still felt the same lack of purpose I always had. I wondered if my anxiety was driving need to define some purpose or my lack of purpose was driving my anxiety. It occurred to me to ask a different question, "What is a purpose?" Isn't purpose just a synonym for objective? I don't think my problem is a lack of objectives. I have so many strewn before me to choose from.

Objectives are nothing more than a goal and goals do little except mark the passage of time. What am I waiting for? Am I waiting for some divine purpose? Purpose is purpose regardless of source. Why would it be any different if I were given an objective by a divine entity. Objectives can be narrowed down two basic types: Those you can achieve, and those you can not. If the objective is unobtainable there would be little motivation to pursue it. If the objective is achievable then my purpose is only fulfilled until the objective is satisfied. Then what? Return for a new objective? How is this any different from own goals?

People are consumers, our economies and our governments ensure that. We create things to strive for simply for the sake of striving. If I were a believer in grand conspiracies I would surmise that the entire system is in place simply to keep us preoccupied. Take away all your wants for a moment and assume all your needs are met. You have no concept of the consumer condition, there is no bigger television, or faster car. What do you do? And thats where I am now. Its not that I have no objectives, its merely that they seemed to have diminished in importance.

Sometimes everything I do feels so insignificant in the overall tapestry of life. By in large my entire existence will go unnoticed by time. 1000 or even 100 years from now it will make no difference what my goals were or whether I obtained them. Life seems to be about doing things that hold no context outside of its own scope. If it makes no difference what I do why do I strive for anything? Because it improves my existence while I'm experiencing it? It makes no difference over the span of time.

I thought perhaps my problem was not so much a lack of purpose and more simple mortality. If my time were not finite the scope of my goals would no longer be so closely tied to time. As it is currently I feel as though every action simply acts to mark its passage. Spans of a life measured in conversations, car rides, and trips to the rest room. Already my life reminds me of the cut scene memories in a made for TV movie.

Saying all this one my surmise that I am depressed, and I must admit that without a solid conclusion it is somewhat saddening. However I do not believe I am currently depressed. There is nothing that I can do change these things, my feelings about them will not impact them. I have mentioned the Serenity Prayer before:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I suppose that it applies here and now more than ever. I know the difference I simply need to accept it now. I have always had the power to define my own purpose. I have defined it before and I have little choice but continue to define it now. In the end at least I feel a little better.

I had a pretty full day the first part of yesterday. My energy level really tapered off however in the last part of the afternoon. I had just finished up with a client interview and I was heading home when I just felt so drained. I attribute it to not getting very much sleep the night previous. To be honest I didn't do anything at all with the rest of my day yesterday. I sat on the couch with my wife and watched House and Lie to me. It's funny how simple physical contact makes even the most trivial of activities seem that much more significant. In the back of my mind I worried somewhat that my lack of energy and not doing anything last night signified a crash and consequently a pause in my momentum. I want to tell myself relaxing or taking a break now and then is fine. The problem is the easiest lies to tell are the ones we tell ourselves. The justifications we make for are actions can be nothing more than a finely crafted excuse that we want to believe. For now I don't see yesterday as a negative, I need to be less "All or Nothing" about things and taking a break now and then might help things from crossing the line of dedication into obsession. I felt tired and sapped today even though I got plenty of sleep. I seem to be picking up steam as the day progresses however so I will withhold judgment until the entire day unfolds.

If my new found energy or direction does end up only being temporary perhaps I should make the best of it. I still feel generally tired or sapped, although it probably has something to do with getting very little sleep last night. Even in my drained state I still feel this drive. I have no more sense of purpose than I ever did, only a need to move forward and take control. I have wanted to re-add working out as part of my weekly routine but somehow the time for it has eluded me, or perhaps I'm making more excuses. I know there is a line between legitimate reasons for not being able to work something into a schedule and there are excuses. The problem is I never recognize the line. I have chuckled to myself on several occasions over the past week. Often times I feel as though I am a solider marching in full gear and complaining that I can't go on. Yet hours later and miles ahead I'm still marching, so obviously I could and did go on. It may seem like hell sometimes but when you reflect perhaps it wasn't as bad as you thought.

Manic Monday

Last week was productive. I've started to pull myself together and make progress on the many things I've let linger for far to long. I put aside my driving need to have things done a certain way and just got them done for now. If they really need done the way I want then I'll fix them but there is no since leaving everything a mess while I wait for one piece to come together. Perhaps that is the quality I have always lacked. The ability to keep moving forward and not get hung up. Here's a quick look back at last week.

• Cleaned up and organized the basement.
• After more than a year I did the last few items of pre-drywall work in the basement, including moving a wall.
• Scheduled and passed the pre-drywall inspection.
• Worked on finishing the garage drywall.
• Went through, reduced, and organized a LOT of paperwork.
• Worked on and published a full baseline website for the business.

I'm not sure I can pinpoint any catalyst and I am not sure when it happened, but at some point I just realized I'm still making excuses for myself. I'm always "going to do something" and yet somehow it never really gets done. I have to start simply doing and I have to stop getting hung up on things I can't control. There is a part of me that worries that this is nothing more than a mild manic episode. Experience has taught me that while these episodes can be incredibly efficient in getting things done, the energy rarely lasts and in the end you find you've once again taken on more than your capable of maintaining. Is that what the business is? Even though I've been focused I've still taken a good amount of time to relax. I played Little Big Planet with wife and Mike, watched some TV, and played some games. The fact that I was not constantly working makes me think perhaps its something longer lived than a simple burst of mania. My mind is still consumed with countless things, I've just found a stronger will to focus. Part of that will is born in the realization that my biggest excuse comes from involving others. Its not that working with other people is bad, but its easier to get tripped up and loose your momentum. In the end if its your task its your responsibility. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't work with other people. Only that if you do, don't let their hang up become yours. Keep moving forward!

Picnic beneath the family tree

Last weekend I spent Saturday afternoon with my family (father, step mother, two brothers). I have intentionally put distance over the years between my father and I. My father was diagnosed as being bi-polar a few years ago and overall I would have to say the last 10 years in general have been a marked improvement from the first 2o years of my life. My relationship with my father has been odd for as long as I can remember. By today's standards my father would be abusive but I never remember feeling that way. He was rough and largely unstable. Often times he was just as likely to give you hug as he was to pick you up by the hair and throw you. I say that and I can imagine the reader is filled with absolute horror. I can honestly say however of all times he ever grabbed my by hair I never really remember it hurting. As I child I would have said that my father has a way of hitting you without really hitting you. He would hit, push, or throw you, but in such a way that the amount of damage was pretty controlled and there was never a mark. Always afterwards he would come back crying and apologising. I learned quickly that apologies were a double edged sword however. It was always, "I'm sorry I did that, but if you hadn't (fill in the blank)". My relationship with my father has always been a battle of wills. One of his favorite games was called "milk the mouse", in which he would take one of my fingers and fold it in and squeeze. Then he would give me commands like, "bark" or "say your name is "Quazi Moto" etc, and if you didn't he would squeeze harder. The problem was I wouldn't give in. It could last anywhere from 15 minutes to a half hour, and I would cry from the pain but I would not submit. Even as a kid somehow I understood something. The fact that I would not submit was both a source of great frustration and great pride in my father. It was almost as though his need to control and his pride in my relisience were conflicted. It is this theme that was the basis for most of our relationship and why I think it differs so much from his relationship with my brothers. Some would argue my brothers are smarter than me in that they simply gave in right at the beginning. I think thier submittal appeased his sense of control if not somewhat dissappointing his hope for a new challenge. Again, even as I recount all of this I never really thought of it as abuse. I considered it to be a right of passage almost. I think what actually bothers me the most was the mental manipulation. My father had a way of making it seem as though you were crazy. If your told enough their is something wrong with you eventually you may believe it. My father often says I am very manipulative and attributes the trait to my mother, however I believe that if the accusation holds any truth at all the roots grow closer to him than my mother. My father is not paticuarly book smart but he does have a cleverness about him and I learned very early on never to show weakness around him. He has often told me that he considers me to highly unemotional and devoid of feeling. The true comedy is that this in stark contrast to almost everyone else that has ever met me. As I have said before I never hated my father but their have been some past events that weighed heavily on my mind. A few years ago my father did something unprecedented, he admitted the things he had done, admitted they were wrong, and apologised. More than the apology the fact that he acknowledged the events of the past, events he had often changed the details of or more often simply denied entirely. In my mind it was enough to let go of what little baggage I continued to carry with me. In any case, I have only shared the previous story that you might have some understanding as to why the events of last weekend struck so deep. Perhaps it is the medicine to blame, perhaps its being bi-polar, either way sometimes the reason does nothing to help the impact. For whatever reason he was feeling rather introspective and it was is this mood that he began to ask me, "Why were you always such a disobiently child?", "You were always so contrary as a kid. Why were you like that?". Even my step mother tried to remind him that things weren't the way he was choosing to recall them and that he was a different person back then. Her hints however fell on deaf ears and he persisted. I am happy to say that kept my patience, however I would not let him simply revel in his make believe world of past events. So I told him much of what I have told you here. He never wanted my respect, he wanted my obediance. If you want obediance buy a dog. You ruled by fear and you hated my oppisition as much as you loved my spirit. You encouraged it because the challenged amused you, which is why you continue to pursue it to this day. In truth the only fool here is me. My words while perhaps comforting to me most likely had very little impact on him. There can be no real victory for me due in part to the fact that I don't think he can really understand. My mind wanders back more often since my last birthday. For my birthday my father gave a few Garbage Pail Kids cards that he picked up. He remembered that I had collected them as a child. The cards for me brought back a different memory, one that he recounted as happily someone might retell about a family outing to the zoo. I was younger, maybe 7 or 8 and among the sides for dinner that evening were a mix of lima beans, carrots, and peas, etc which like most kids I was not very interested in eating. This gave way to one of his more explosive episodes in which he ran into my bedroom and got all of my cards and began tearing them up by the handful, yelling and screaming, "I bet you'll eat now you son of bitch, yea your eating that shit now aren't you. I bet if I keep this up you'll beg me for more!". When it was all said and done only a few handfuls remained. I never really bought them that much after that. I still have them to this day in a box downstairs but truthfully they bring me no joy. I am nothing if not a thinker. It would be one thing if he had given me the cards and not remembered the events surrounding them. This is not the case however. He remembered the cards and the events. Knowing this he not only chose to give me the cards but he also alluded to event with a seeming amount of pride. I have a hard time understanding why. Why would he not feel awkward about the event. When something I have done wrong to someone in past is mentioned I usually still feel a twinge of regret, not pride. He's has acknowledged the way he was and things he did were wrong and at the same time he takes a sort of pride in it. Is it pride in being mean? I do not hate my father, but I do not feel a closeness either. Perhaps I avoid him because I don't know exactly how I feel, or perhaps its just that I don't want to put the energy into sorting it out. The past is the past and it is my hope I will carry foward the lessons I learned when I have children. Maybe once the lessons are understood its best to close the book and put it away.

I am Jack's uncontrolled anxiety

Lately I have been feeling overwhelmingly anxious for no apparent reason. I feel as though I lack any real purpose. I'm pretty sure it doesn't stem from a lack of things to do as I have a seemingly endless list of tasks at hand. All the tasks in the world just seem less significant, almost as though they were contrived simply to distract me from my own anxiety. I am reminded of a the characters on the cartoon Dragonball Z, charging up for some awesome attack. Except in my case its as though I got all charged up and forgot why and what I was going to do. I'm haunted by the same feeling that has plagued me since I was a child, the feeling that there is something important I am supposed to be doing. Something significant that I am just on the edge of remembering. I think my wife has told that I have a pattern of going through this feeling. Somehow recognizing and even acknowledging it as a cycle provides very little solace. I think the core issue really is that I lack a sense of purpose and direction. Without it the days sort of run together into a long thread of pointless milestones. I begin to question whether I am doing things just to do them or simply mark the passage of time. I am sure these feelings will pass as they always do, but I sense these ghosts from my childhood may continue to be life long companions.

9

Last Friday I went with a friend of mine to see the movie 9. I had hopes for the movie and had been looking forward to its release since I first saw the trailer. I try to avoid most movie reviews in an effort to reduce any preconceived bias toward or against the movie.

When we sat down in the theater I had a feeling the movie hadn't done well by the fact that other than us only two people occupied the seats. The previews for the movie immediately gives you the impression that you just sat down for a serious kid flick along the lines of Bambi. The first few minutes of the movie however will correct this misconception. The movie wasn't bad and does manage to hold your attention, mainly because you assume that the story is going somewhere. The movie drops little breadcrumbs of plot information you excitedly gather up along the way. The ending however is sort of a "jokes on you" for thinking that any of the details you've collected are even remotely relevant. In the end after crafting plausable reasons and likely motivations everything is simply summed up as absolute magic. The movie was not bad, but it was definately disappointing, especially coming from Mr. Burton.

[iBlogger'd from my iPod!]

Somber

It's been a while yet again since my last post. Several times I've intended to post but it seems I always get distracted before I can get to it. I...guess I'm supposed to go to bed now...

[iBlogger'd from my iPod!]

Fear

As I lay here trying to sleep I find myself preoccupied with an idea. Pain is merely a signal sent from a nerve to the brain where it is translated. Imagine for the moment if we could affect this process. What if we could tell the brain to ignore the signal?

It sounds good at first, but it didn't take me long to make the following realizations. Pain is a main contributor to fear. Whether it is physical, emotional, or spiritual pain is more often the negative consequence of an action that is meant to discourage a behavior.

Pain tells us not to leave our hand on the stove. We are not afraid of the stove, we are afraid of being burned. Fear tells us to keep our distance from a large strange dog. We do not fear the dog only the pain of the bite. If we take away the pain we essentialy take away the fear. Pain or the idea of pain if one of the great controllers of man.

Those of us who are larger in musculature and frame may perceive less pain than others. Additionally the size and fitness differences increase the likelyhood of success in a conflict. As a result the perception of fear is reduced because it tied to the likelyhood of pain. How does this impact individual limitations?

To take away pain is to remove consequence. In removing consequence we remove control and ultimately plunge humankind into chaos. I started my thoughts with the idea that pain and fear were mans great limiters. I imagined a world without these limits. As I come to my final conclusion I realize that our limits define us. Without fear and pain we have no control and without control nothing emerges but chaos. It seems ironic to be defined by that which limits us as opposed to all that does not.

[iBlogger'd from my iPod!]

Distracted

Well I'm feeling someone better but I am still somewhat distracted in general. Lately I've been plagued by the urge to draw something, which is comically odd considering I have little to no talent for it. I have always had issues with the way I see things. As a child I could draw anything as long as it had distinct lines. Art classes always want you to draw objects are people but I could never see the real "boundaries" enough on an apple to draw it. I think a mixture of sun and sugar is at least partially to blame for my recent lack of focus. My whole life I feel like a laser without a lens to focus the light. Whenever I try to get a handle on all the stuff I need or want to do it seems to get overwhelming pretty fast. The list continues to grow in part because I have a hard time finishing things. You need to someone to start something and get the ball rolling, I'm your man. If you need someone to bring it on home... not so much. Overall lately I would say I have been more apathetic than anything. Not because I have no feelings, but I have so many at once that none are expressed. Maybe my urge draw is being driven by my need to express something. I have been fascinated lately with beautiful things. I'm sure time will set things right again as it always does. Until then I'll cut down on my cookie intake.

IPod Touch OS 3 Update

Grabbed the new OS 3 update for the IPod Touch (about time they release). My first impression is good. They've added some much needed functionality including copy / paste. Additionally you can now browse videos and podcasts in addition to music when you browse ITunes from the device. On the downside if you do happen to pick something up that way just realize its probably going to take longer to download than it would if you downloaded it from your hard wired laptop and then sync'd to your Ipod. I was hoping to take a rental camping with me but the download time is most likely going to prevent my intention from becoming a reality. We are looking forward to getting our SCUBA certification this weekend!

Happy Birthday to me...

I turned 29 today. It happened while I staring at the numbers on the ceiling (projection clock). I didn't feel any older at the stroke of 12 than I did the moment before. My thoughts still lingered on the same tired things. Almost one third of my life has ticked away a moment at a time. The reality of the situation is that I should be rather pleased. I have accomplished quite a bit in the last 29 years. I'm married, we have a home, we aren't in debt, and we both have pretty stable jobs in a time when such a thing is less common. Although I suppose I have no cause, in the back of my mind I can't help but to feel as though I haven't done very much at all. What I have is good, I should and I do appreciate it. At the same time I feel as though I've fallen short. Short of what? I don't know, perhaps just my own expectations. The hell of it is that I can't put my finger on any one thing as a cause. Perhaps its just that I still feel sort of lost. I'm as lost at 29 as I was at 19 or even 9 for that matter. On the more positive side I realized some things as I reflected on my life to this point. I'm much more mellow. I have found a "calm" over the past few years, or perhaps my fire has just burned out. Our lives are measured in moments that march in cadence one by one until the last beat of the drum. Perhaps my realizations will motivate me to do more with the time I have. I am chuckling to myself as I wrote that last line, "do more with the time I have", more of what is the question.

Our new pool

My wife and I were recently surprised by our brand new pool. I think if we had been given just a little more notice however we might moved some our things before they decided to fill it with water. It was amazing how quickly it was put in. One day its a basement and the next viola, pool. I suppose this is my way of saying our basement was flooded. I blame myself really for believing it wouldn't happen. We had just returned home Friday night from a movie with friends when noticed a peculiar smell. It was my wife that discovered the source of the smell and the beginning of what turned out to be a very long weekend. Apparently I have magical powers. After accessing the damage I dredged through the water over the sump pit to inspect what should have been a running sump pump. After removing the cover I reached down and touched the sump pump with my finger. Just like magic the pump instantly sprang to life as though nothing had ever been wrong. Apparently I have the ability to bring plumbing equipment to life. As the pump reluctantly began performing the duties it had so long overlooked we began take a better assessment of the situation and work out a plan to begin clean up. Let me start by saying we had a LOT of stuff in our basement. Some of it ours, some of it others had asked us to store for them. 1600 sq ft, almost completely framed, and filled with everything from tools and computer equipment to heirlooms and paperwork. The power strips and UPS were underwater but luckily the GFI outlets tripped. I was relieved at least a server that a friend had recently brought over was up high enough not be affected. However my own server and computers were now practicing the backstroke. I have to say we took it well. Neither of us got very upset in the traditional sense. I think that we both saw the situation for what it was and we knew that the only thing to do now was focus on the task of cleaning up. We went out that night and bought some box fans and later the next day I rented some high power fans from an equipment rental place near by. Even with the fans running around the clock the basement is still wet. I realized a few things as we have been cleaning and moving things this weekend. 1. We have entirely too much stuff. 2. Cardboard is the devil. 3. I keep the most inane and ridiculous things. The weekend has been long and in honesty not very restful. Life seems to be a series of unfortunate events lately but I am determined not to let it break my spirit. Work is in a state of flux right now that makes me somewhat nervous as well. Occasionally I feel the beginning of anxiety about everything in general but I have been good about keeping these feelings at bay. Despite all that's happening around me its hard to be down. We have a trip to France coming up soon and we are planning on trying to have a baby soon. For some reason these things seem to make all the negatives seem less important. I suppose I am just preoccupied with things that matter more to me than the here and now.

The hits just keep on coming...

I have observed that events of similar a similar type appear to happen in groups. Whether it is the mindset triggered by the initial event that brings about subsequent events is a matter open for debate. In short, life kicks you when you are down. It's nothing to cry or be sad about instead it is a merely a fact to be accepted. Life has been hectic lately as I had mentioned in an early post. Arguably the best times to post seem to those in which we have the least amount of time to do so. My wife and I joined our friends to watch the new Wolverine movie this weekend. Overall the movie was enjoyable but it felt as though it were missing "something" to really push it over the top. I had to laugh to myself at the theater. Somehow I managed to pick a seat behind a very tall woman who's stature was only surpassed by that of her hair. If anything excited happened in the center of the screen I dare say I may have missed it. I wasn't upset as much as I was amused. I observed my surrounding and took note that for the most part every single row in front of us was occupied by children with a sprinkling of short to average height parents. It was only about the middle of the movie when I had a disturbing revelation. There are many times that my mind will notice something and yet somehow not make me instantly aware. It is only later when the event is brought to my attention that I realize I have really been aware of it for quite sometime. In this particular case it was coughing. It sounds trivial I know but this was no ordinary coughing. In spurts fits of coughing would begin with a one or two movie patrons and then spread rapidly until it seemed to reach a crescendo and then cease all together. It was one of these coughing fits that caught my attention and subsequently opened my eyes to the realization of how long it had been going on. I had to chuckle once more as my mind wandered to the topic of Swine Flu. Don't think me the paranoid type for I am not. In all honestly I don't keep up with the news that often and the fact that I am even aware of the Swine Flu at all is in large part due to my wife's efforts ensure at least up to date on current events. I found myself thinking back to several Zombie and Sci Fi movies. Outbreaks and infections, avoiding public places and large groups of people. The most common infection points tend to be airports, churches, and movies and here I sat.

Long weekend

It has been a long weekend that just never seemed to end. It started on Friday and ended yesterday for me. Normally we associate weekends as an interlude to the fast pace and obligations of the week. Last weekend was a little different. Friday in particular seemed to be the roughest day. I had some job changes earlier in the day and then I left to help setup for a wedding for two of my very good friends. I was and am honored to have been a part of their ceremony. This would be the second wedding I have been to, the first being my own. It seemed like a lot more work this time around, but I was very happy to help. Half way through the afternoon my wife got a call that a member of her family passed away unexpectedly but we put that out of mind until after the wedding. I also chose not to tell her about the changes in my job until later. It wasn't that I wanted to hide anything as much as I knew she was under a lot of stress with preparing for the wedding. As much as I knew sharing my feelings on the matter would make me feel better I also knew it would be selfish. Later on Friday night after everything had been setup we got ready to leave around 11:30pm. While loading a few things into my car I noticed something all over the windshield, eggs! Someone had egged my car, and from the looks of it, recently. Honestly though I considered this more an annoyance than anything. Kids are kids and a little water, soap, and elbow grease and all could be restored. What I wasn't prepared for was the damage to my wife's car. The car is relatively new and she really likes it. As such she was very upset when she discovered someone had shot her windshield with what appeared to be a pellet and cracked it. There is mischief and then there is destruction. I knew from the moment I saw the damage I was looking at $200 - $250 in repairs. Our deductible is too high to make it worth turning in so that means money comes right out of our pocket. The act had to be random as we are unknown to anyone in that area. Our vehicles were parked with everyone else's in the school parking lot next the church. Although I was angry I tried not to let it consume me. The act had been committed and could not be undone. No amount of angst on my part would change the things that had to happen next. The only thing I could control was my attitude about the situation, and I decided to push forward. I tried not to get too upset partially because I knew Randi would feed off of it as well. With everything that was going on I knew that the best thing for her was keep moving forward and let the momentum of the occasion blur out the problems of the moment. By Monday I was exhausted and we had a funeral to attend. We arrived early and returned home sometime after 9:00pm. It seems my favorite show House, had been canceled for that night but I made the best of it and caught up on another show The Fringe. Almost everyday this week and next weekend are already booked except for Tuesday which I am sure will be filled with various tasks that seem to overwhelming to account for right now.

Movie Reviews

It's been a while yet again since I have blogged. Life has been hectic lately but I have managed to catch a few movies. Yes Man I had heard mixed reviews about this movie, and to be honest my first inclination was to assume that it would be very close to one of Jim Carey's previous movies Liar Liar. I am glad I gave the movie a chance because as it turned out I was wrong. It turned out to be very entertaining overall with some nuggets of wisdom I could relate to through certain aspects of my own life. Marley & Me This was a decent movie for its genre. It's hard for me to give an impartial opinion as I have never really been fond of movies that are centered around "tugging your heartstrings". If you have a couple of hours to kill at the end of which you think you will feel like shedding a few heartfelt tears then this is the movie for you. The plot line did keep my attention but I think it was more in the anticipation that something larger would eventually happen. It didn't. In some ways I felt more like a casual observer over the course of a normal families life. The Day the Earth Stood Still The movie was not as fantastic as it probably could have been but overall it was pretty good. I have often heard people joke that Keanu Reeves is not that good of an actor. The jibes however always seem centered around a lack of "range" as far as characters. I believe however the roles he has chose to play have been done fairly well. The character roles he has accepted in the past do not lend themselves to an abundance of emotion. I attribute his ability to project a cold facade as a trademark of sorts. His role as outsider in this movie fit him well. I was disappointed in the ending as everything seemed to just end on a rather abrupt note. Role Models I figured the movie would be mildly funny and entertaining and I was not disappointed. In fact the movie exceeded my expectations in that it was less of an attempt at a "knee slapper" and more good comedy based around a pretty solid underlying story.

Brains

It's been a while since I last blogged. It seems this morning my mind is consumed with an idea that it simply does not wish to relinquish. I thought perhaps blogging about the subject would give it sufficient outlet and allow me to resume my "regularly scheduled program". I would like to submit a simplified explanation / definition for the brain. Among its possible other functions the brain is an input processor. We have identified five distinct inputs used in processing: touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound. I find it interesting that the brain itself has no known means of obtaining inputs, instead relying on inputs from separate sources such as the eyes and ears etc. Suppose for the moment it were possible for your brain to continue to live once removed from the body. Your brain is now disconnected from all input. I would submit that input processing is not the brains ONLY function so thought continues. The line between conscious and unconscious thought would of course blur without any stimuli or observation on which to mark the change. Thought would continue much as it does now drawing from the memories of experiences. Consider now the same experiment done at the moment or just before birth. Now what does the brain think about having no experience to draw from and no inputs. At that moment what is the brain? Can it, will it, create without a basis for extrapolation? To suggest not is to suggest that we truly are nothing more than the sum of our experiences. I have often wondered, do those people who were born unable to see or hear truly comprehend those inputs? When a blind man dreams do those dreams take shape or are merely thoughts with attached sounds and smells. Do the deaf laugh in their dreams, do they understand sound? If so is that understanding a learned interpretation based on knowledge acquired about sound? If you cannot perceive a thing does it exist for you? Animals can hear different frequencies than humans because the methods in which they are able to receive and send that data to the brain has evolved differently. Many animals see the world differently, some without certain colors and others through hundreds of tiny eyes all sending an input of some type at once. I am unsure whether I would suggest that the entire solution is simply contained in the receiver. For example were it possible to connect a canine's auditory systems to a human brain does not infer that the person would then be able to process the input received. Consider for a moment our eyes. Some people our born unable to see certain colors. Imagine for the moment someone who was born eyes ever so slightly different so as to allow them to see something we can not, or perhaps see something we see differently. We could be surrounded with countless realities, dimensions, even "beings" that we simply lack the ability to perceive. It is conversely and equally true that all these "realities" are a single reality and the only infinite involved is the variations of our perceptions. The saying: "I think therefor I am" defines thought as self or existence. I believe it should be extended to following: "I think therefor I am, I perceive therefor are you.

Cats

For my wife's birthday I decided to take her to see Cats at Beef and Boards (just as a note their website needs serious help). I am usually unsure of myself when it comes to planning things but enlisting the opinions of others has gotten me into some trouble in the past, so I decided that this idea would be "all me". I reserved us a table for 8 right next to the stage, even though it was only two of us it was the best seat in the house. I thought about inviting different friends to go along but I wasn't sure who want to go and who wouldn't. In the end we ended up inviting her sister to join us as well. The food was ... well lets just say we didn't go for the food. We had been there once before so we knew what to expect. I figured that my wife would really enjoy the musical and I assumed that I would have a fine time as well. I was caught off guard however by just much I liked the show. Just before the show they announced several birthdays of which my wife was one. Although she was somewhat embarrassed she was duly vindicated when at the start of the performance just as I was about to take a drink the spotlight pans to me and I'm surrounded by Cats asking questions. I was speechless but completely amused and entertained. The show is very high energy and my heart goes out to the performers. There is very little if any pause between scenes. The performers worked hard to keep labored breathing from the physical activity from affecting their singing. Initially I had a little bit of a hard time getting past the outfits. Not the fact that they were dressed as cats but more that the outfits were a skin type spandex material that left nothing to the imagination. I had also never realized the sexual overtones of the performance. I do not believe it was anything "over the top" or unsuitable for minors. I think that I would like to see more plays and musicals this year.

Jeff Dunham

Last Thursday my best friend invited my wife and I to go with him and his wife to see Jeff Dunham at Conseco Fieldhouse. The show was part of his Spark of Insanity Tour. He's been doing this tour for a while now. I had seen it on DVD some time ago so while I was looking forward to it I thought I was pretty prepared for what I would see. I was wrong! Guitar guy has an entire act before Jeff comes on stage. He's very entertaining and talented on the guitar. Until this show I didn't even know that he spoke much less did stand up. I was really impressed by the whole experience. If you've seen the show on TV it is still VERY worth seeing it live. Peanut was a little more hyper than usual and Akmed was funny as always. I was however unprepared for how big of a hit Bubba J was. I was never that fond of the act myself. Something about the character I just don't relate to or seems overplayed like some remnant of the "you might be a redneck if" era of comedy. For whatever the reason Indiana loves him, although in retrospect I suppose the affinity shouldn't surprise me. Even Jeff thought that it was a little creepy as the entire audience chanted aloud each punchline. All in all a VERY good time and a welcome break from our normal weekend routine.

Busy the last few days

It's been a while since I last posted. It seems the number of published posts are inversely proportional the amount of events and / or stress taking place at the time. More to come soon.

Jonathan Coulton

Singer / songwriter, maybe you've heard of him? I stumbled across a few of his songs sometime ago on YouTube. I found a few World of Warcraft Videos set to some of his songs. One video lead to another and another and I soon had a little collection of favorites. You might recognize some of his songs like Code Monkey. From what I have read he used to be a software developer, at least if you consider Visual Basic a language (just kidding). From his music and what I have read I can relate to several aspects of his personality. I can frequently be heard singing silly songs or changing lyrics to various music. I've purchased a few of his songs on ITunes in the past but recently I was looking for one in particular that they did not have. A little searching lead me to his website JonathanCoulton.com. I like the site quite a bit. It's got all the information you would want and its concise and to the point while maintaining a casual tone. Additionally he has made all of his music available in several ways. Free ways to listen and multiple ways to purchase, and you can buy individual songs for as little as $1.00. The song I was hunting for is called I feel fantastic. Here's a YouTube video set to it that I like. I like the lyrics to the song in particular, perhaps because I can relate. The tempo of the song feels similar to the tempo of my own life, and this video in general just kind of completed the whole "feel" for me. That and much to the dismay of friends and family I really like to sing along :)

Zoom zoom....

Take your average busy work day and record it, then come home and watch it in fast forward. That is how I feel most days. That is not to say that I necessarily feel overly busy every day, I just literally feel as though everything is just happening extremely fast. Footsteps seem closer to that fast paced awkward stumble you see while fast forwarding through commercials. Conversations feel hurried with all the appropriate excited hand movements. I feel very energetic most days but not in a giddy, jumping around, "can't sit still" way. Its more of "charged" feeling. My thoughts are quickened and I am hyper-aware. I am plagued by the constant sensation I should be doing "something" with this energy and the longer I don't the strong the feeling becomes. Its interesting to me that I feel as though I already know what that "something" is and I've just forgotten, because it eliminates any outside dependency. The idea that I already know prevents me from hiding behind the excuse, "awaiting direction". As I have mentioned in other posts my sleep as of late as been erratic. Even when I am physically tired it seems that until I mentally run out of energy I am unable to retire.

Temporary Retractions

You might have noticed recently that a couple of posts have suddenly disappeared. The posts had to do with issues surrounding some problems we have been having with our Heat Pump as well as opinions about our vendor experiences. I have temporarily retracted the posts as it has recently come to my attention that there are some unresolved details about the situation that when resolved might affect opinions reflected in those posts. Until the situation is resolved to completion (which should be relatively soon) I will suspend any partial opinions. I will however keep you posted about any details as the situation plays out.

Why am I still up?

Good question. Its 4:30am and I have work in only a few hours but here I am awake. I tried very hard to get some sleep about 6 hours ago. I laid down with my wife and closed my eyes and desperately tried to simply be asleep. It seemed like every so often my eyes would accidentally open just long enough to mark the passing of time by the clock that projects on the ceiling. Finally sometime around 1:00am I had an idea. In my youth when I could not sleep I would put in a movie I was very familiar with. Something slow paced with mellow musical tracks every so often. Disney would use suffice but I also enjoyed Tim Burtons "A Nightmare Before X-mas". It just so happens that I have that very movie on blu-ray as well as a digital copy. So I grabbed up my IPod and my headphones only to discover that for some reason the movie had been erased. I knew I could I get a copy again from my laptop in the living room but then I would have to disarm the alarm and wake up my wife. After some thought I had the idea to watch something on YouTube. Fast forward an hour or so and I had managed to do was pass the time and discover that my headphones are apparently broken. If I can remember by the morning I will have to ask my wife if they worked when she used them last. I am somewhat bummed that they are broken as they were really very nice. After exhausting all my other ideas I laid back down and tried to once again close my eyes and force myself to sleep. This time I just couldn't lay still. It seemed as though every few moments something different would itch, or my nose would whistle. To make matters worse something decided I was hungry. After a few more moments I got out of bed and loved on the cat for a while, a crime I am sure I will pay for with shredded shoelaces in the near future. Finally I decided to just get up for a little bit. Perhaps some food and reading would make me tired again and I could catch a few hours sleep. I disarmed and reset the alarm. My wife was so deep asleep she either didn't notice or she did notice and chose not to acknowledge the noise I made. I got a bite to eat and sat down to read a little and write this blog. It would figure that now that its almost 5:00am I suddenly finally feel a little more run down and possibly ready to sleep. My sleeping habits have always been somewhat abnormal. There are windows of time in which if I lay down I will be able to sleep but if I miss that window then I may as well not bother at all. A feeling washes over me and instinctively I know I only have so much time to lay down and start sleeping. You would think sporadic sleeping would cause me to nod off throughout the day. Whenever my friend Mike doesn't get enough sleep it is all he can do just keep his eyes open the next day. For me however once the day begins there is very little chance of my nodding off despite my fatigue. Until the feeling washes over me I am wide awake whether I want to be or not.

So cold

I've always had a problem keeping warm. Even as a kid I would sleep on next to or around a heater. I was notorious for turning on a space heater or one of those oil heaters and putting my blanket over it to create a "hot pocket". Although I have always had a problem with it I have noticed more often that I am having a hard time keeping my hands and feet in particular very warm. Most of the time my toes are just freezing cold as are my hands. Warming them up in water or in front of a heater only seems to last as long as they remain in the source of heat. I have often been told that it is a matter of poor circulation and for a while I was taking cayenne pepper capsules as they were supposed to be of some help. I have been trying to think back and remember if the problem was as persistent during the period where I was exercising quite a bit as it is now. Regardless I am going to try to motivate myself to getting back to working out. I really did like the way I felt. I am not real sure why my interest level decreased so rapidly. I think perhaps if the exercise doesn't help it may be time to see a doctor. I qualified as super duper healthy on my exam and blood work for insurance so I am pretty sure I don't have a significant cholesterol issue. I am not a smoker, which I have been told can sometimes affect blood flow. I suppose I have shied away from discussing the issue with my doctor out of fear of what the problem might be.

Rain on your parade

I haven't blogged in a few days. I think the main reason is that I have been overwhelmed lately. My last official day at my previous job was Friday and I am afraid it didn't turn out so well. Add to that lack of sleep and a possible broken furnace, and then start a new job. It's just been draining. I am really trying to keep a positive attitude overall throughout everything but I have to admit that it has been hard. I had really hoped to have a little time to catch my breath over the weekend between jobs and steel my resolve in regard to my resolutions. No such luck. In a way I had to chuckle right as things started to unravel. I was in the middle of one bad set of circumstances but in a way it only serve to prepare me for more. Figuratively speaking I just hunkered down and waited out the rainstorm. It seems for the most part the storm is subsiding but I think there may be a few more wild spots before its through.

Job Changes

I recently decided to make a job change. In light of recent economic hardships some might wonder the wisdom in such a change at this time. My decision has been influenced at least in part by the current economical client. In times of uncertainty we look at the strength of our current positions and evaluate stronger foundations on which to build. There have been other strong factors that have moved me to this decision however. I could not in good conscious simply "abandon ship" when the going gets tough. This is a fact that my job history can attest to. I think the largest part of my economical concern was not that "times were tough", as much as the reason's behind that hardship. I have often said, "It is one thing for a poor man to need money for food and quite another for that same man to have gambled away his food only days before. That is not to say that mistakes are not made by person and organization alike. The difference is what we take away from those mistakes. In the end I felt that much of our "pain" was self inflicted. I also felt as though that message was understood and even accepted. I have no cure for apathy. I thought about the situation for quite sometime. In the end my mind kept wandering back to the first part of The Serenity Prayer.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

The idea is common even without the christian overtones. Buddhists hold similar beliefs in regard to finding calm by accepting the things one can not change. A portion of my discontentment is a mindset, or a collection of ideas that are held by those around me here. Acceptance has come from the realization that these traits are immutable. I think the hardest part is actually following through with the outcome that you know you will reach. I have known for sometime what the situation was, and deep down I have known that I could not change it. I rallied against it, against myself. I have come to understand that knowing something and acknowledging something are not the same. I have been hesitant to ask myself the question. Once asked it must answered, and once answered it must be acknowledged. With acknowledgment comes acceptance and sometimes its hard to accept the answers we don't like. And so just like that the path I always knew was there lay before me waiting patiently to be traversed. I do know what lies ahead, only where I have been and why I continue to move forward.

Get with the times

I've been thinking a lot lately about Christian religions lately and I think religious marketing needs an overhaul. If the goal is really to attract new members and younger members, churches really need to take a hard look at how to better reach their demographic. Regardless of how you feel about it, an overwhelming majority of the target audience treat input differently than they did in generations past. It seems some of the most successful ways of getting messages across to this audience is a mix of subtly, sarcasm, humor, and just plain brutal honesty. Calm down, I'm not suggesting new ad campaigns like "Get Christ dumb a$$!" What I am suggesting is that we put our own egos and feelings aside and focus on the message we want to convey. Here's an example. I see this in different forms and formats from time to time on everything from websites to tee shirts.

Christianity: The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. Makes perfect sense.

I am a christian. When I first saw this I was not horrified. I laughed. Put aside your personal feelings for a moment and really look at the words. Here in lies the weapon of your figurative enemy. It fits all the criteria above, its flip, humorous, and although its somewhat slanted it is somewhat honest. Then its topped off with "Makes perfect sense." The paragraph above it is nothing more than a setup for this line. It is this small line that actually conveys the message the author wanted to convey. The author is saying "See, this is all ridiculous", the preceding paragraph is nothing more than a delivery mechanism. It wouldn't take much at all to change the entire tone of this message. Here's a rough example:

The question isn't do I believe that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. The question is: Why don't you?

Another option is to take the above narrative and add a second paragraph using the same slanted view and humor to describe a current and generally well known set of factual events. The idea is that everyone knows the "factual event" and then they read how jaded or humorous it sounds with changed in a similar manner. The comparison to a actually fact causes the reader to accept for the current context that both are fact. Now throw in some humorous closing at the end like: "Sarcasm - turning facts to fun for over 1000 years!" With just a little change you've created something memorable, funny, and easily shared. Best of all, tucked inside those tiny lines lies a message you wanted to get across. These examples are just rough ideas. I am not suggesting compromising our beliefs, but I don't believe God will be overly upset at me for referring to Eve as a "rib woman", I've seen funnier translations of bible terms from language to language. People grow, change, and evolve. In order to continue to reach people we must be willing to change with them, without compromising our underlying principles. It saddens and scares me to think the only thing coming between reaching someone and not might be our (myself included) own ego or personal comfort levels.

Weekend come and gone

Well the weekend has ended. I am typing the following in the car on the way to work (don't worry my wife is driving). Reflecting back I can't say that I accomplished much.
I did't feel very good Saturday. My wife's mother visited us but I slept almost the entire time. Against all odds I did manage to put up one more wall in the basement. It seemed as if fate was against us, as anything that could go wrong did. We vowed to complete at least one wall before giving up.
I played with my laptop a little last night. Since I got it back it has frozen twice and powered down once. I found my 64bit windows ultimate cd this weekend so with a deep breath and a silent prayer I started a reinstall last night.
I prepared for this reinstall (or so I thought) in the nights previous by fownloading all the vista 64 drivers from the asus web site. After successfully reinstalling all I would have to do is run the various driver installs. As luck would have it however some of the installs had damaged or corrupted files. In the end however I was able to get around the problems and went to sleep while windows installed it's seemingly endless updates. I am bringing my laptop with me work to finish the various installs today.

[iBlogger'd from my iPod!]

I haz a bored

The last few days I've been extremely bored. I constantly feel as though there is something really cool I just can't remember to do. I keep finding lots of free time and nothing to fill it with. Like right now for instance. My mind just keeps wandering off randomly, but I suppose all is well as long as it remembers to come back. So tired, Randi just went to bed earlier and the thought of sleep sounds so inviting. Maybe I'll do that.

You see this on Bad Television...

So far throughout my life I have had a torrid on again off again love affair with television. I was raised in front of the the television. I know most old TV sitcom theme songs and commercials by heart. Then all the sudden right around my teenage years I was done. I barely watched TV at all. After a few years I would occasionally pick up a show or two but never for long. Over the last few years I have slowly reintroduced a show or two. For the record I can't even stand shows like 24 and Prison Break. Over the top sensational drama where you only stay tuned to see what absolutely retarded thing they will do next has no appeal. I have noticed a tendency over the past few years of watching movies and fast forwarding through most parts. The number of movies and shows I have watched this way are actually too numerous to count. I think my wife chalks it up to a short attention span but I've been mulling it over the last few days and I disagree. I've noticed an uncanny ability to predict with uncanny accuracy several elements of most plot lines. My wife has often heard me summarize an entire 15 minute scene ahead of time. I can usually map out what about to happen, what the characters are going to learn and what its going to be a transition for in the next scene. A few nights ago for example we rented the movie "Wanted". I had reasonable hopes for the movie and to be fair it was entertaining but knew pretty quickly exactly where it was going. Originality. That's whats missing. Perhaps it was all those years of watching TV that desensitized me to the common plot line and scenarios. I fast forward not because I can't focus, its because I already know the part I'm watching and I just don't want to wait for it to resolve so I can get to the part I don't. It's like knowing 3/4ths of a story and then having to sit through the whole thing again to hear the ending. The "Amazing Plot Twist" game of the last few years has been so overplayed that the new "Amazing Plot Twist" is actually not having one. The plot twist you never see coming because it isn't there! It seems equivalent to the "made you look" games of childhood. Enough with the reality TV, down with the over the top sensationalism, and to hell with all the Americas Top [Model, Singer, Got Talent, Fashion Designer, Hair Stylist, insert random profession here]. Bring back good old fashion television. All in the Family was entertaining, and you never tuned in to see Edith tied up in the basement while Archie negotiated for Gloria's life after Meathead was arrested for importing Chinese for black market organ donation. Night Court, MASH, Gilligan's Islands, sure they all had their little cliff hangers but you watched for the show itself. Another common fupa seems to be prematurely canceling shows. Pilots and first seasons typically aren't they great. Even the great shows weren't the best in their first season. Give the darn show a couple of seasons for the series to develop and people to get interested. It seems like if there isn't immediate overwhelming interest the immediately start changing the characters, the main story, or just cancel it all together for the next short lived series. Lately it seems this practice has been biting back. After the shows are canceled the networks discover how popular they really were and they try to scramble to get them back together. Just my two cents.

Woot Google!

The new video-in-chat feature from Google is just fantastic! Couple this with features like the FireFox add-on Cool Preview and you have the makings of a very cool setup! The link preview feature is somethings I've always thought was a good idea. I think the future will distance itself from the page concept model more and we will see more support more of a "snippet" concept. IE 8 beta has already implemented much of this type of functionality.

Success!

Well my interview is over! It went really well, better than I had expected. The project is a very interesting one that will give me a chance to work with several other accomplished architects. The biggest draw for me on this project was the chance to work other architects. I thrive on the back and forth exchanges as ideas are ironed out. Some people take negative criticism harshly and I'm sure I have my days where I am over sensitive too. In general however I have never really had a problem with someone telling an idea was poor or that something wouldn't work. IF they provide and explanation or a reason. All too often I get feedback like, "that's impossible, its not going to work", but never real reason or better yet and alternate solutions. I relearned to tie a Windsor knot today with a little help. You have to love YouTube. Six or seven times of watching this guy do it and I was alright. I could do without the initial diagram and walk through however. It goes too fast and its not entirely clear from the pictures.

BLARG!!!

You know its sad, I am changing employment and I've tried twice to write a blog about what I'm thinking. I just can't seem to do it. I have two drafts so far, one should be a novella and I'm not sure where I was going with the other one. Perhaps I'm just too scatterbrained right now. I really need to do some last minute studying for this interview I am about to have and learn how to tie a tie. :(

Getting Lax

I've been a little lax recently about blogging but I am trying to remind myself to stick with it. It is somewhat odd in a way because it seems like the times I have the most going on I blog the least. I have actually made a number of blogs that haven't shown up on Blogger recently. I love my IPod Touch and I was previously using it to blog while I was on the go. The app I was using was called LifeCast. However it seems the author of the app decided update it with a "new" version that no longer supports Blogger at all. Wonderful update thanks. Still in keeping with my other resolutions I must admit the fault is my own. If I deemed it important enough I should have "found a way" to make the time. Its late and I'm tired at the moment. I've been studying UML, design patterns and software product lines all night for an interview I am really looking forward tomorrow. This is when I really need to try and remember my "Less is More" credo. Instead of overwhelming with volume I am going to try and choose my words carefully and concisely so that I put forth exactly the message I want to convey. I'll explain more about why I am interviewing in another post soon.

Asus Laptop Story comes to a close

The laptop was delivered on Tuesday. Unfortunately I was not at home at the time (partially because I didn't know it was going to be delivered) so I missed it. I stayed home the following day however and the package was redelivered. The packaging was very good, similar to when I first received it. After letting it warm up for a while I opened the box, setup the laptop, and read the enclosed summary. The hinge has been fixed and I am happy to report that it no longer squeaks. According to the letter it needed tightened inside. No USB problem was found, but I was unsure as to whether the issue was hardware or software and so I was not unhappy. The cause of the overheating was found and fixed! The summary shows that unit was overheating due to an excessive amount of the compound used to fix the heat sink to the video processor as well as some installation blockage. This is fantastic news! The found the problems and fixed them without any hassle! I've been using the laptop for the last few days and still no squeaking! I have had no immediate shutdowns or freezes. I haven't been able to put the unit under much of load yet but I am intend play some Warhammer later tonight. In the past the game was notorious for causing pretty quick shutdowns. I am so glad I chose to have a positive attitude about this entire experience. It has been hard, but looking back now I would have been anxious and worried about the possibilities that never came to pass. Even if the worse case scenario had happened worrying about it was pointless because I hadn't reached a juncture in which I could affect any outcome. Thanks ASUS, I really appreciate your customer support. I need to remember to post a comment on New Egg where I purchased the items to let people know that I was pleased with their product and their service.

Frustrated!

I will apologize upfront for what may seem like a nonsensical rant. Where I work frustrates me greatly. The root of the problem is a mix of passive aggressiveness and simple laziness. I suppose most people can relate to following example. I am currently assigned multiple projects. This is the nature of my job and I have no problem juggling multiple deliverables. The problem is that the time lines are incompatible. Recently one of my projects was moved to another developer. The problem is the project manager made the decision and informed me but not the receiving developer and for some reason she still comes to me for updates and deliverables. My typical work week goes very similar to the following. Projects A, B, C, D all have a documented estimate of 24 working hours to complete.

• Monday Morning - Begin working on Project A
• Monday Afternoon - Directed to change focus to Project B items only
• Tuesday - Directed to work on Project B only
• Wednesday - Directed to stop work on Project B and work on a Project C item
• Thursday Morning - Continue work on Project C items
• Thursday Afternoon - Directed to stop work on Project C and resume Project B
• Friday Morning - Directed to work on Project D

*** To this point although the constant change is annoying I actually just fine Friday Afternoon (Here's the punchline) I am approached with the following:

• Have you made any progress on Project A?
• When will Project A be complete?
• Why aren't you finished with Project B?
• Its really important that Project D is finishedfor client
  Publish Post
  review today, and you need to at least migrate something for Project C to review.

I know some of you may be saying, "Well perhaps she doesn't understand or realize the time lines are overlapping". She does, I've mapped it out before. Even in the face of logic there is an almost will full ignorance. I have sat down and said, "O.K. we have an 8 hour work day here but you have slated for delivery these three items with a combined estimate of 32 hours". All I get is a blank stare. It's not that shes dumb, she knows. Its as though she is simply hoping against hope that hope alone will somehow make it possible. In a nutshell my frustration is the willful and deliberate continued ignorance in the presence of enlightenment. end rant

New Car

This past Monday my wife and I set out on the arduous quest that is car buying. My father worked for GM and as such I have always been able to get what GM calls an "A Buyer" discount. It's basically a few thousand dollars off MSRP depending on the car. One of our biggest problems is and has been that many of the GMC / Chevy / Pontiac / Saturn cars just don't appeal to us. It has always seemed like the majority of their business is geared big vehicles and the few smaller sized sedans that they do offer often fill one extreme of feeling very cheap or being very powerful. Neither my wife nor I are big fans of the SUV or the Mini Van. There are times I wouldn't mind a truck but those times are few and far between and wouldn't require the monster sized trucks being pushed. We just want a car, preferable a sedan as the insurance is cheaper and a 4 door vehicle is easier to use if we have kids. Right now I drive a Chevy Aveo, and before the accident my wife also drove one. They are both all right cars. We drive 80 miles a day to work so gas mileage for them being a non hybrid has been nice. I will have to say that hers was much nicer than mine but neither of them are anything to talk about. When we started looking for cars I really wanted to try and find a GM / Chevy car, I couldn't believe how hard it was to find what I wanted. For starters the Chevy website is horrible! The main Build it Now link doesn't work on the site so I actually had to find another way to get the page. Unlike other websites that let you build or add features and show the prices Chevy kicks you to a dealer customized portal with some type of list item feature application. You can't tell what your adding, what it does, what it will look like, or even what it will cost. Frustrating! When it came down to it we couldn't find the kind of car in our price range. The only cars with the features we were looking for were only on the highest end models, and even with a discount applied the price was outside what we were looking to spend. We strongly considered buying another hybrid. We loved our Civic hybrid and we like her parents Prius but this time we were trying to keep our costs under $20,000.00 and preferably closer to $15,000.00. After alot of searching we started looking at used cars. Used cars make me nervous in general, I haven't owned one in almost a decade as my past experiences were typically poor. After some research we decided to check out Carmax. I see their commercials all the time but I never realized they were a "No Haggle" dealer. The price is the price, which was somewhat odd for me. Randi found a Chrysler Sebring she was interested in on the site and after test driving it and looking at some other models we settled on it. At the end it did come down to a choice between two Sebrings but I more and more I feel like we chose the right one.

Asus Laptop Update

I tried to post yesterday from my IPod but for some reason I just wasn't able to publish it. Friday I decided to check on the status of my laptop using the Tracking number supplied by Asus. One slightly bothersome item is that although the email tells you that you can track that status of your repair and gives a handy little number in order to do so, they don't actually tell you how or where to go. I was however able to find the correct url after a little digging through their site. When I checked the status it says: ASUS After-sale Repair Status Route is as below: Product Received > (Waiting) > Repairing > Final Testing > Packing > Ready for Shipping > Repair Finished Then in a box below it shows the status as Repair Finished() . Great! So the repairs are done, but without any notes I have just be optimistic and assume that since I have no emails they must have found the problems and fixed them. Although I can see the current status I really wish there was a way to see when the status changed. Since it appears to be at the end of the process and repair center is in the same state I should see a package in the mail any day. In a way its kind of frustrating however because I don't know when to expect it or how long to wait before I should I call and check on it. I'm going to try to put it out of my mind until at least Wednesday.

IPod Touch Google Contact Sync Bug

I thought I would post this in the hopes of saving others some of the leg work I went through trying to figure why I couldn't seem sync my IPod Touch with my Google Contacts. All of the other options would work just fine except for Google. After confirming that my friends could sync their Google contacts without problem and searching the Internet for anyone having similar issues I set out on trying to figure out what was different. To fix this issue verify that none of your Google contacts have a Skype Instant messenger entry saved. If ANY contact has Skype Information under the Instant Messenger section then NOTHING will sync at all. I have confirmed this with other IPod owners and Gmail accounts. Adding Skype Information at this time will keep you from synchronizing or prevent you from synchronizing again if you already have. I have submitted a bug but until its resolved if you see a fellow frustrated IPod owner you might pass this along!

Dream

Last night I experienced a very interesting and profound dream. 

The setting was a dry and arid landscape.  The sun was beating down from the sky and the sand beneath me stretched out for miles in every direction.  Every detail was painted from pallette of yellows and browns except for the sky which was highlighted in a briliant blue.  I stood in the midst of what appeared to be an ancient abandoned town.

As I walked, it seemed as though I was approaching one paticular building that had caught my attention.  The building itself was not extrodinary but somehow I knew that it was a temple of some kind.  A simple stone arched entrance marked two joining sides of the building.  Inside the layout was reminiscent of an old coliseum, if somewhat smaller.  As I entered the building my attention was focused on a stone platform fixed prominently in the center.  The stage stood half a foot tall and was  considerably narrow in length.  Unlike the building the stage was adorned with red fabric and intricate but unmemorable gold designs.  Beyond and surrounding the stage were several stone blocks laid out in teirs similar to bleachers.

I found myself in the center of the stage engrossed in thoughts of self confidently declaring this temple my own when I first became aware of another presence.  Although I knew I had entered alone, without sight or sound, I knew that this was no longer so.  Without turning to meet his gaze or even acknowledging his presence I knew him to be a god.  It was at this moment that he “communicated”.  My words fall short of appropriately articulating the experience.  He spoke without speaking and it was if every word was said at the same time.  Light and sound converged, and although I understood him at the time I can recall no substance to the conversation.

Deep inside I knew fear, but I decided to appear indifferent.  Dismissively I waved my hand and said aloud, “Be gone, you have no followers anymore.  This temple is mine.”, still not meeting his gaze.  After many moments I finally turned to face him, standing unwaivering among the upper row of stones..  His appearance was tall and slender, clad in deceptively thin armor made of gold.  Bits of crimson cloth seemed to adorn his armor and at times seemed to almost form a cloak.  His helmet appeared narrow and elongated and although it did not obscure his features I can recall in detail his face.  His visage appeared as many faces sitting on top of each other.  In many ways it felt like a very dark face shaped like that of a dog or a jackal.  The image was something that I could feel  than see.

 After a moment he began to approach me.  His movements were slow and deliberant and as he approached it seemed less as though he were moving and more as though the distance between us was simply closing.  He stopped at the opposite end of the stage and once again he spoke words without sound that I can not recall.  I stood steadfast refusing to yield my bluff.

Purposefully he drew from each hip a very eloquent curved short sword. The blades appeared gold in color with a red jewel embedded where the hilt met the blade.  They were as beautiful as they were deadly.  Although I had brought with me no weapons, I suddenly found my right hand grasping a similar blade at my side.  I had sudden understanding that this was a duel.  One that I, in my arrogance had caused and was obviously outmatched.  At my realization he began his approach in a calm and deliberate manner.  With each step he swung the blades in sync a full circle each time resting the tip toward me.

My mind raced and my initial reaction was to stand firm and unafraid.  For some reason I felt almost enlightened, as though I could see all possible outcomes at once.  I knew that I would not win and at best I could see myself losing at least one of my arms.  The blow would strike cleanly at the shoulder, severing it.  I felt each outcome as though I had lived it individually instead of mearly observing it.  My sword was at the ready in front of me, but cowardace caused me to retreat slowly backwards  My mind was racing, searching for some advantage, but there was none to be had.  His advanced continued until he had pressed me through the stone archway and out of the temple.

As my last footstep carried me backwards outside the temple his advanced ceased and his stance relaxed.  I was bitter in my cowardace and the taste of defeat.  In my arrogance I cried out, “What fairness is this when you have two swords and I have but one?”.  My words were meant for my own comfort and perhaps to ease the sting of defeat, but as the last word passed my lips he tossed me one of his swords which I caught with my left hand.  My bluff was called yet again.  Desperate I began searching for a new excuse.  As I looked up to protest that I would not fight an opponent at a disadvantage, he had already gestured and was once again holding two swords.  He had anticipated my excuse, we were now both evenly matched.

Again I found myself at one end of the stone platform in the center of the temple.  He began his approach in the same manner as before calmly and methodically advancing with an aire of confidence.  I stood there at the ready, my mind racing in desperation to formulate some defense or talk my way out of this.  It took only moments for the prescient feelings of defeat to return.  The overwhelming understanding of my defeat caused what little remained of my courage to once again falter and I found myself slowly stepping back.  I can not recall any fighting but I do remember the distinctive ring of steel as though I defensively parried one or two of the strikes.  Regardless of what little resistance I may have put forth I found myself once again stepping backward through the arched entrance.

Having once again halted his advance, I stood staring at him in the temple entrance for several moments searching for something to say.  All of my thoughts were interrupted by an abrupt and unexpected attack.  A single strike by a previously unseen weapon commanded my full attention.  I had only enough time to raise my blades in front of me in defense, and for a moment I was pleased by my prowess.  The force of the blow halted, his weapon sat heavily and purposefully on my blade.  It resembled a long staff with an upward curved blade at the end.  My eyes followed from the tip of the blade and down the staff to its bearer.

It was in this moment as I stood silently staring at him that I fully understood the true intent behind the attack.  He wanted my full and undivided attention.  My thoughts of anything had ceased at that moment.  It was after this feeling had fully enveloped me that he spoke plainly the only words I am able to recall.  He said, “That is why you will never lead.”  He paused a moment before continueing.  “Even with the respect and power you seek, you lack the courage to lead men of will”.  Each word brought an understanding as though a thousand conversations had transpired in the span of two sentences.

His message spoken, he remained motionless for a moment, and though our eyes were locked I could still make out no distinguishing facial features. Then abruptly he withdrew his attack and returned to the temple. I remember very distinctly saying, "What I said about you having no followers before, well you do now." If my words mattered or were even heard it did not show. As he left I was overcome with a sense sorrow or perhaps shame. I had been shown something about myself that I already knew but I couldn't admit.  I was a coward.  My fear had overwhelmed me, and though I may sometimes deflect or defend with a biting tongue I would find no refuge against men of will.  I will always be a slave to those who see me for what I am.