Anger

Society doesn't seem to like anger, or angry people for that matter.  There are countless ways in which life tries "help you" with anger.  Curiously enough none of the solutions ever seem to involve correcting the thing you are angry about.  That's external and it seems the only help that can be offered is to change you.

I was somewhat angry growing up.  Anger was my sword, my shield, and my steed.  Time seem determine to change my ways though and eventually talked from my mount.  Life eventually convinced me to ease my grip on sword and shield, that the burden was to heavy to carry around.  Finally after many miles I cast them aside and continued on.

The problem with all these "anger management" solutions is that they don't give you anything to replace what they took.  Years later I find myself alone.  Bereft of my horse I have no swiftness.  Divested of my blade I have no means to charge forward to my goal.  My shield no more than memory I stand naked without shelter from any attack.  There is no fire left in my belly save for indigestion.

We aren't supposed to get angry anymore, we are supposed to find another way to deal with our feelings.  We tell our children, "Theres no since getting mad about it.", but is isn't there?  There are things in life that we should get mad about.  You don't have to be OK with everything.  We are not sheep!  I know its not productive to simply be mad all the time, but damn it don't let them take you fire.

Every once in a while I think about changing my career to something more exciting.  Contract killer for the mob for instance seems like an interesting career path.  The pay is good, the hours are flexible, but I'm just not sure where you put in your application.  Do you need a resume for that line of work?  Do they check your references?  (Ring, ring... "Hello?" Oh he answered hes not dead you big liar)  Can you just claim to have killed random people or is prior work experience limited to human beings?  For instance I've been told that I repeatidly butcher the english language, is that enough?

Dream revisited

Although it has been over a year now since I had this dream, the memory still lingers clearly in my minds eye.  To my dismay and despite my efforts I have never again had a dream of this kind.  It seems the closer I get to 30 the more often I hear those words spoken so clearly.  I still have so many unaswered questions that quietly nag at me in the back of mind.

So... I'm 30 years old but it seems even at this age Toll House Cookies are some mystical piece of knowledge that lies just beyond my comprehension.


Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Bake Cookies for 9 to 11 minutes
3. Remove from oven and let cool
4. Eat


Sounds simple right? I think there is a magical missing step between 2 and 3 because somehow when I go to execute step 3 I find my cookies and doughy undercooked CRAP. So I go ahead and leave them in a few more minutes... still undercooked crap. So apparently there is a missing step 2a. Find and choke Tinkerbell to death and shake dead fairy dust in a clockwise circle around the oven while chanting "I want to wish you a Merry Xmas from the bottom of my heart!".


Or their stupid cookies just suck!

Almost 30

30, the number feels like a predator quietly waiting to pounce on me when I turn around to take a drink. If time is the fire in which we burn then 30 must be like that french fry that falls out in the oven and gets left behind, cooking over and over until it eventually resembles a piece of coal. I'll be 30, I'm married, I've had 2 houses, 1 failed business, and more jobs than I can count. Somehow I'm tired, but it feels more like 60 or 90 tired than 30 tired. Work is OK and stable but somewhat less than fulfilling at the moment. Each day seems to sort of blur into the next defined only by working or not working.

I've been feeling like this for a little while now. Part of me is starting to wonder if a lot of the way that I have been feeling for the last few months is tied closely to my current assignment. The environment if is very relaxed and although I have enjoyed it I am forced to consider if it is not too relaxed. I feel stagnate. I have no real tangible or realistic goals and very little direction. I suppose its every artists dream, but I am no artist. I feel like I thrive in more defined environments.

Its not that I am high maintenance or that I need micro managed. I am a "doer" and I excel at providing solutions to problems. I can even extend to helping to define the a problem so that I can then provide a solution, but this ability has its limits. I do not "dream the dream", I "build the dream" or even help "elaborate on the dream". I need more to go on than, "make something", or even the more popular, "make something like this". Perhaps this is my Achilles heel, I am easily overwhelmed when left to my own devices and a very loosely defined or vague set of goals. There are those that thrive in this landscape and are suited to defining this level of chaos. I am not one of them nor do I desire to be.

For a long time I have been saying that I am tired, but perhaps "weary" is a better word. I am comfortable, perhaps even complacent but I am also stagnate. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I just need to grab onto what little direction is here and run with it. Flesh out the details and the requirements on my own. My biggest obstacle would be myself. I just haven't wanted to.