Almost 30

30, the number feels like a predator quietly waiting to pounce on me when I turn around to take a drink. If time is the fire in which we burn then 30 must be like that french fry that falls out in the oven and gets left behind, cooking over and over until it eventually resembles a piece of coal. I'll be 30, I'm married, I've had 2 houses, 1 failed business, and more jobs than I can count. Somehow I'm tired, but it feels more like 60 or 90 tired than 30 tired. Work is OK and stable but somewhat less than fulfilling at the moment. Each day seems to sort of blur into the next defined only by working or not working.

I've been feeling like this for a little while now. Part of me is starting to wonder if a lot of the way that I have been feeling for the last few months is tied closely to my current assignment. The environment if is very relaxed and although I have enjoyed it I am forced to consider if it is not too relaxed. I feel stagnate. I have no real tangible or realistic goals and very little direction. I suppose its every artists dream, but I am no artist. I feel like I thrive in more defined environments.

Its not that I am high maintenance or that I need micro managed. I am a "doer" and I excel at providing solutions to problems. I can even extend to helping to define the a problem so that I can then provide a solution, but this ability has its limits. I do not "dream the dream", I "build the dream" or even help "elaborate on the dream". I need more to go on than, "make something", or even the more popular, "make something like this". Perhaps this is my Achilles heel, I am easily overwhelmed when left to my own devices and a very loosely defined or vague set of goals. There are those that thrive in this landscape and are suited to defining this level of chaos. I am not one of them nor do I desire to be.

For a long time I have been saying that I am tired, but perhaps "weary" is a better word. I am comfortable, perhaps even complacent but I am also stagnate. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I just need to grab onto what little direction is here and run with it. Flesh out the details and the requirements on my own. My biggest obstacle would be myself. I just haven't wanted to.