Ho Ho Oh

So the holidays are back. In years past I have been rather bah humbug about the whole event, but this year I resolved be more in spirit. I think its partially because despite current events I feel more Christmas-y this year. I will admit I have no idea what to get my wife though. Well that's not entirely true, I have ideas but nothing that really "wows" me. The holiday season seems to be exacting a price for my good spirits. An abundance of food is a hallmark of this time of year and indulgence is an unwritten rite of passage. While I'm not really putting on weight I have been feeling worse. As I've gotten older my stomach and associated organs have become decidedly less tolerant. The list of foods that don't bring me pysical pain after consumption seems to be shrinking steadily. Greasy foods have been out for a while but now I am suspecting dairy might also be a culprit. It doesn't seem right to me though I can just never ever eat certain foods again without enduring painful consequences. In light of recent events I'm going to keep a food journal in an effort to figure out what I am eating and how it correlates to my symptoms. I am fast approaching the point where if the doctor told me he could remove something (like my gual bladder) and I would be able to eat a piece of sausage again, I'd say to hell with it and just have it removed. I hate hospitals but darn it I want to be able to eat normal things again.

Observation

Over the past few days I have had a rather interesting and complex set of work / development related challenges. I know that I revel in midst of the challenge but I have also made some observations this time around. The overall challenge is broken up into several sets of complex little conundrums. Each tiny victory or discovery is rewarding with its own fleeting moments of intense feelings of accomplishment. I sleep much less during these periods and I eat less frequently and more sporadically. It's not intention as much as I am just not as hungry and my mind has trouble shutting off to let me sleep. Additionally my sex drive seems to decrease during these periods. Day to day conversations seem annoying or distracting. I normally take "smoke breaks" with a coworker although I do not smoke myself. When I am feeling like this however even the notion of his company seems more of a distraction than anything else. My concept of time seems more troubled than normal as well. I have noticed little things such as having to pee and thinking to myself, "in just a moment, let me just finish this part" only to find that hours have passed and I about to pee down my own leg. It seems like I look at the computer and when I glance up hours have passed. I would surmise that I was having a "manic" type of episode during these periods, but I am particularly giddy or bouncing off the walls. Loss of appetite and sleep would allude to depression but I don't feel sad or upset. Overall I just feel very focused. I am reminded of the character Sherlock Holmes, an savant of sorts when faced with a problem only come down when they are solved. I will most likely post more observations from time to time.

I do what I do

I am software engineer by trade and by choice. Sometimes I forget that not everyone wanted to be in the line of work they are in. Because I enjoy what I am do I am infinitely interested in it both inside and outside of work. My particular area of focus has always been architecture. I like putting together the little pieces but I cherish tackling the more complex decisions and planning involved in software architecture. While I respect that not everyone likes what they are doing, I tire of working with people that just "go through the motions". Maybe it sounds a little corny in this day and age but at the end of the day I want to be proud of what I do. I want to know that did best I could on each project. Often times I reflect back and see the areas in which I have improved or that could use improvement. I do not lament that past projects were not done better because I know that I did the best I could for that project with the knowledge and skills I possessed at the time. I've been at this career now for about 11 years. In the beginning many aspects of my youth hampered my creditability. After all its hard for a company to bill you out as a Senior level at the age of 25. When you add Senior to your title people expect you to look more the part. In the beginning I was more than likely a little full of myself, but time, experience, and persistence helped me overcome initial perceptions and create my own. Often times I know that my earnest interest in my trade and in advancing my knowledge has made some coworkers defensive. I have learned to worry less about the ridicule and focus more on doing what is right at the time. In the past I have taken a more timid approach to confrontations, simply backing down from a stance to avoid a conflict. Within this past year or two however I have really focused accepting opposing arguments without backing down from my own position. I really believe that this change has paid off. When I have been proven wrong I have learned from that proof and more than often when I am right it is more recognized because I stood by my view.

The appletree

They say, "The apple never falls far from the tree". I have oft amended this statement with the qualifier, "unless its planted on a hill". I am recently haunted comments from my father than I am "more and more like him everyday". While I am sure this is a phrase every child disdains, I have more definitive reasons for my alarm. My father is Bipolar. Growing up my father was an emotional roller coaster. Prone to outbursts of anger and energy as well as crying and depression. I have always had an uneasiness when he is about. There was always an uncomfortable anxiety and a constant sense of alertness. As if the "fight or flight" instinct was in full swing. I have little or no ill will about the past. After all it is the past and everyone has their childhood stories. It was only in later years as certain behaviors have become less and less publicly acceptable and the strain began to wear his relationships too thin that he began to seek treatment and diagnosis. It was only some years ago I received the penance of the confirmation that I was indeed not crazy, as I had been told for so long and that he in fact did have a problem. It is in this stage of his life I feel the most pity. He has been lost for so long and is just now understanding things about himself and about life that I understood some time ago. Many times he comes to me for answers and I have none give. He sees and feels the same problems I feel, and he has the same questions and feelings I have. I never found any real answers, I just found a way to deal not having them. I find myself saying things that remind me of him, things I know he would say. I find myself wondering if he is getting better or if I am getting worse? I wonder if or how I will change as time presses on. Not long ago a psychologist told me that she believes I have cyclothymic disorder. I have read about it with caution. I believe people have a tendency to see in themselves things that are not necessarily there. Bending either themselves or the symptoms to better align. With that in mind however I am not unconvinced of the possibility, although I believe my wife may be. A scary thought occurred to me today related to all of this. In one article, the smallest sentence made as a footnote or an afterthought read: "Genetic counseling, which assists a couple in understanding their risk of producing a child with the disorder, may be of some help. " I hadn't really considered the fact that I may in fact pass to my offspring the very sames challenges I face, or perhaps something more or less severe. I have always expressed a desire for children and I can't imagine not reproducing on the basis of what might be, but I have to wonder at my guilt should I pass to those that bear my legacy that which tears at its previous generations.

Lies tell me lies

Everyone lies. I am not so naive to believe that even I am above this most basic of human traits. I will say that I try very hard not to lie to myself. I have always been of the opinion that people who can successfully lie to themselves are the most dangerous. I don't believe that most people set out to do evil things, but I do believe that people are capable of evil things. I would conjecture that good people that do evil things often do so because they have successfully lied to themselves. All that aside though I expect a certain amount of lying from everyone. There are a breed of people however that just seem to get under my skin in general. The perpetual liar. People who's drive to lie seems to be so over stimulated that it bleeds into every word that tumbles past their lips. I have a number of theories as to why, but none of them seem to detract from my irritation. Sometimes I wonder though why it seems that the perpetual liar never seems to get better at it. "Practice makes perfect", doesn't seem to apply in this case as most of the lies are as transparent as a 5 year olds version of "how the lamp got broken". Its odd in a way really in that listening to it actually makes me tired. Not sleepy mind you but it seems like a single sentence from this type of person just weighs on me from the moment its heard. I find myself irritable not so much at being lied to but at the feeling it invokes. In any case I've said my piece on the matter. I just wish it helped me to get over it.

MMO Woe's

From the very beginning I was never a fan of MMORPGs. I always had a hard time getting my mind around buying something and then paying to play with it. I enjoyed playing Major Mud (an old text based BBS game) but that was about it. Then one day after months of suggestions a friend let me play Everquest on his account. It was rough honestly, this was early Everquest without updated graphics and in game tutorials that are now standard in MMOs. It didn't matter, I was intrigued. The very next day I went out and bought a copy. I have played the game pretty regularly ever since that day some 10 years ago. My wife also plays with me. Thankfully my interest seemed to stop at Everquest. By this time Ultima Online was on its way out and Asherons Call seems like an Amway scam to me. As the years past lots of new MMOs sprung up. Anarchy Online, Dark Age of Camelot, Shadowbane, the list goes on and on. They would launch with lots of buzz and hype and then fade into nothingness within months. I didn't even bother to try most of them. I have friends that have played several different MMOs. Sometimes all at once. I always found myself thinking I could never do that. Most games are around $50.00 and the average upkeep cost is $15.00. After more than a few subscriptions that adds up, as such I said to myself "One at a time". Within the past year however I find myself in violation of this creed. It started small. After 8 or 9 years of Everquest I decided to buy a second account. Then several members of my old guild contacted to me. They no longer played Everquest, they had moved on to Everquest 2. After some prodding I found myself playing that too. Sony has a deal that allows you to play all of their games for one price so I was somewhat able to justify making the leap. I have been avoiding the new games, Conan for instance looked promising but I was glad I stayed away. Then came Warhammer Online. I decided I would try something new and perhaps I was caught up in that "new game smell". I like the game quite a bit and I play it pretty regularly now. Then World of Warcraft launched a special promotion and I found myself signed up for it as well. I've never been a fan of WoW really but it gave me a chance to play with some of my other friends. It was only a week or so ago when I got an email about my City of Heros account ( we had only a brief tryst ) that it dawned on me that I was exactly where I said I couldn't picture myself being. I have 2 Everquest subscriptions, 1 Everquest 2 subscription, 1 Warhammer and 1 Wow subscription. That's 5 recurring MMO subscriptions at $15.99 a month. Almost $80.00 a month, when you say it like that it really starts to sink in. Realization is half the battle, now is the time for action. I think some of the impact can be mitigated simply only renewing the subscription when I am really actively playing the game. The next step is figure out which ones I'm going to drop. I don't want to drop Everquest yet. I am rather embarrassed to say that in 10 or so years of playing I've never reach max level with any character. My wife and I made similar vows that we would play at least until we reach max level with a character. Somehow to do less seems like a waste of all that time. Until then I think I may go ahead and let my Everquest 2 and WoW accounts lapse. 2 MMOs doesn't seem that bad to me at this point. Perhaps once we reach our goal in EQ I will reevaluate the situation and go from there.

Made for television... NOT!

Last night marked the first episode of a new made for television series based on the works of author Terry Goodkind. I had been looking forwarding to watching the series for a while now. Having seen various television and movie adaptions of novels in the past I had already prepared myself for the numerous deviations from the book, or so I thought. I do not believe any amount of preparation could have properly braced me for the nightmare I witnessed. I understand not being able to follow the book exactly. I understand dropping, changing, or merging scenes in the interest of time. All of this taken under consideration the series bears not resemblance to the books other than the title and some of the characters names. It ceases to be an adaptation when even the fundamentals of the story have been changed. The foundation of the story and its characters are so different with a quick change of names you could write a brand new book (albeit a bad one) from the screenplay. Imagine if you will making a movie about brain eating zombies from outer space that infect and destroy mankind. Set it on the 4th of July, name you characters Scrooge, Cratchet, and Tiny Tim and then title A Christmas Carol. That's the gravity of the injustice in my opinion. I met Terry Goodkind once, and its hard to believe he could have seen this and said, "Yeah that's pretty close alright, produce it!". He really seemed to believe in his writing and lamented that the perception of Science Fiction as a genre seemed to stereotype and downplay what would otherwise be a fantastic work. I suppose its not my place to question his motives and reasons. After all it is his intellectual property to do with as he pleases. It just saddens me that he chose to lend his name to something so far from his own creation. Overall I guess I'm just disappointed.