All this morning my mind has been preoccupied with the notion of time again. I was specifically pondering the concept of future. We often suppose that the idea of predestination precludes the possibility of free will. If it is written then what real choice do we have, and yet history is littered with predictions and visions. If time is not written there is nothing to see beyond the moment and if time is not recorded than there is nothing to look back on except memory.
An idea suddenly occurred to me that perhaps time and even mortality are not really the problem, but instead symptoms of something bigger, linearity. Our entire lives our governed by linearity and its manifestation as order. Words follow single file to form sentences, like footsteps that comprise a journey. We experience life in a single file arrangement of moments. Rob yourself of all your worldly senses and you will find that you have little left with which to distinguish the idea of "now" from "then" or even "soon".
If our eyes could see only black and white, color would still be present. The mind is limited by the means in which it has for receiving input. Time however is a concept and not necessarily limited by a physical input. The Greeks had two words for time chronos, which refers to the idea of sequential time, and kairos which refers to a qualitative period of undetermined time.
In the New Testament of the Bible kairos is referred to as "the appointed time in the purpose of God" or the time when God acts. In the Catholic church the words, "Kairos tou poiesai to Kyrio" are recited before the Divine Liturgy, which means "It is time for the Lord to act" and is used to indicate that the time of the liturgy intersects with eternity. As far back as Aristotle man has felt the need separate the distinctions of time to make absolutely clear that traditional linear concept was not the intended meaning.
If we remove the idea of linearity from time and assume for the moment that everything has happened, is happening, and will happen at once then perhaps destiny does not preclude free will. We ourselves have the choices and are making the choices. When an author writes a book he is choosing the words and order, and yet when he reads his book he is following his story in a linear fashion. It isn't that he cannot choose what his characters will do next, its that he has already chosen.
I doubt that anyone else will find any of my thoughts of any significant interest, but perhaps they will provide some comfort when I reflect on them later. There are moments when I feel so close understanding something I can't explain, and then suddenly its gone.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Things left unsaid
With the birth of my son or daughter just around the corner I wondered what I would want them to know in the event that I were not around to teach them.
To my child
Although I do not yet know you, believe me when I say that I love you. Your mother and I have loved you since you were a mere idea and our love only grows as we wait for you to be born. If my only accomplishment in life were you I would rest feeling fulfilled. Although I am not so foolish to believe that I can summarize 30 years of life in a few pretty words. I would leave you the following knowledge that I have learned along my way.
In all things try to be honest with yourself. The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves. Self truth is often uncomfortable, but understanding and accepting who you are is the first step to becoming who you want to be. It has been said that a person will often believe a lie, either because they want it to be true, or they fear that it might be true. Strive to recognize this in yourself as well as others.
Although I wish I could impart my faith to you, finding it and understanding it is an individual journey. In your life you will find many people who wish to "give it to you" or "take it from you". You will encounter many convincing arguments against it, but understand that faith by its very nature is not something that can be argued. By its very definition faith is belief in the absence of proof. Faith is not something rationalized, it is something felt and experienced.
Of love and marriage each day teaches me more but I impart to you a few cherished realizations that was lucky to have very early in life. If you take only one thing away with you from my words let it be this. Make sure the person that you choose to be with is someone you respect and who respects you. That respect will build the foundation for a relationship that will support you when all seems lost. I love and respect your mother and our relationship has shaped me into a better person. I pray with all my heart that you may know the same love I have found in your mother.
The following may seem the suspicious words of an older generation but time has rendered them no less true. Guard well your surroundings and understand how the things that you surround yourself with influence your point of view, be it people, culture, or simple media. Be who YOU are, not what anything tells you to be. With honesty, faith, and a strong partner you discover not only who you are but who you truly want to be.
With all my love,
You Father
P.S. Change your own front brakes and a good sense of humor will help you through some otherwise irritating times.
To my child
Although I do not yet know you, believe me when I say that I love you. Your mother and I have loved you since you were a mere idea and our love only grows as we wait for you to be born. If my only accomplishment in life were you I would rest feeling fulfilled. Although I am not so foolish to believe that I can summarize 30 years of life in a few pretty words. I would leave you the following knowledge that I have learned along my way.
In all things try to be honest with yourself. The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves. Self truth is often uncomfortable, but understanding and accepting who you are is the first step to becoming who you want to be. It has been said that a person will often believe a lie, either because they want it to be true, or they fear that it might be true. Strive to recognize this in yourself as well as others.
Although I wish I could impart my faith to you, finding it and understanding it is an individual journey. In your life you will find many people who wish to "give it to you" or "take it from you". You will encounter many convincing arguments against it, but understand that faith by its very nature is not something that can be argued. By its very definition faith is belief in the absence of proof. Faith is not something rationalized, it is something felt and experienced.
Of love and marriage each day teaches me more but I impart to you a few cherished realizations that was lucky to have very early in life. If you take only one thing away with you from my words let it be this. Make sure the person that you choose to be with is someone you respect and who respects you. That respect will build the foundation for a relationship that will support you when all seems lost. I love and respect your mother and our relationship has shaped me into a better person. I pray with all my heart that you may know the same love I have found in your mother.
The following may seem the suspicious words of an older generation but time has rendered them no less true. Guard well your surroundings and understand how the things that you surround yourself with influence your point of view, be it people, culture, or simple media. Be who YOU are, not what anything tells you to be. With honesty, faith, and a strong partner you discover not only who you are but who you truly want to be.
With all my love,
You Father
P.S. Change your own front brakes and a good sense of humor will help you through some otherwise irritating times.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Baby Countdown
Since I am humming Final Countdown as I write this, feel free to hum along as you read it.
We are week 37 now so the baby is full term! Which means it could arrive anytime between now and the next three weeks. It seems inconsiderate for it not to narrow down the time frame a bit but I will have to wait to have that discussion after it arrives. In all seriousness though I have mixed emotions. I have become used to my wife's protruding belly and feeling the baby push against the palm of my hand through her. I am accustom to the pregnancy in way that it has integrated into my life.
The experience feels more real now that the due date is so much closer. Many people comment when they ask me how far along my wife is that I am unusually calm about the situation. I always found the comment strange, was I supposed to be a nervous wreck? Am I supposed to be afraid, excited? How should one feel at this time? Am I broken or did I fail to realize something? Perhaps my ADHD is a hidden blessing as I tend not to dwell on any one thing at length.
I do have some anxieties, its just they center on different things. When we want something we can and usually do imagine it. If you want a car, you can see yourself driving it and you can imagine the experience. I have always wanted very much to be a parent, but now that it is happening I find I am unable to visualize the experience. We have taken child birth classes, watched movies, and read books on birth. I am filled with the facts of the experience, and yet when I place myself there in my minds eye I am blind. In those brief moments when I feel anxious I think it is mostly a fear born out of that inability to imagine.
At first I wondered if my ability to "see it" was a sign that for reason it would fall short of actually happening. More recently I have begun to come to understanding that perhaps the birth of my child is not something to be imagined, but instead something to be experienced. It has often been said of me that I am emotionally very strong ( as both an insult and a compliment ). I have a sense that this experience in all its wonder will not just "move me" but permeate through me in a way I have yet to grasp. Maybe underneath it all that's what I'm really anxious about.
We are week 37 now so the baby is full term! Which means it could arrive anytime between now and the next three weeks. It seems inconsiderate for it not to narrow down the time frame a bit but I will have to wait to have that discussion after it arrives. In all seriousness though I have mixed emotions. I have become used to my wife's protruding belly and feeling the baby push against the palm of my hand through her. I am accustom to the pregnancy in way that it has integrated into my life.
The experience feels more real now that the due date is so much closer. Many people comment when they ask me how far along my wife is that I am unusually calm about the situation. I always found the comment strange, was I supposed to be a nervous wreck? Am I supposed to be afraid, excited? How should one feel at this time? Am I broken or did I fail to realize something? Perhaps my ADHD is a hidden blessing as I tend not to dwell on any one thing at length.
I do have some anxieties, its just they center on different things. When we want something we can and usually do imagine it. If you want a car, you can see yourself driving it and you can imagine the experience. I have always wanted very much to be a parent, but now that it is happening I find I am unable to visualize the experience. We have taken child birth classes, watched movies, and read books on birth. I am filled with the facts of the experience, and yet when I place myself there in my minds eye I am blind. In those brief moments when I feel anxious I think it is mostly a fear born out of that inability to imagine.
At first I wondered if my ability to "see it" was a sign that for reason it would fall short of actually happening. More recently I have begun to come to understanding that perhaps the birth of my child is not something to be imagined, but instead something to be experienced. It has often been said of me that I am emotionally very strong ( as both an insult and a compliment ). I have a sense that this experience in all its wonder will not just "move me" but permeate through me in a way I have yet to grasp. Maybe underneath it all that's what I'm really anxious about.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Come and gone
Another weekend seems to have whizzed by again. Friday is sort of blur after work. Saturday Julie came over and the three of us worked on the nursery and the upstairs bathroom. Painting was actually more fun than it has been in the past. Sunday all I remember is church, having lunch with Mike and then moving a couple items in the house. With the desk and the other bookshelf in the office its really starting to come together. The Nintendo PC is a perfect size for the space that its in. All I have to do is finish pick it up and finding a place for things and it will be a really neat space. Now its time for bed only to get up again tomorrow to start the week a new.
Sometimes the weekend just feels like some arbitrary demarcation to help break up the days and differentiate one week from the next. The baby should be due anytime in the next three weeks but it somehow feels so far away. I often wonder if I am on auto-pilot at some points throughout the day. It seems like every time I look up from what I'm doing hours have passed.
Sometimes the weekend just feels like some arbitrary demarcation to help break up the days and differentiate one week from the next. The baby should be due anytime in the next three weeks but it somehow feels so far away. I often wonder if I am on auto-pilot at some points throughout the day. It seems like every time I look up from what I'm doing hours have passed.
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