Champions Online

Sometime last week a friend of mine sent me a 10 day trial for Champions Online.  My initial reaction to the game was definitely poor.  For whatever reason the default graphic setup it chose was absolutely horrendous.  From the character creation to the game play it just seemed poor quality for a nintendo game let along a PC game.  After a conversation with my friend and some adjustments to the graphics settings the game came together a little better although still somewhat cartoony for my taste.

I enjoyed playing City of Heros so I was looking forward to giving Champions Online a shot.  Honestly the game play was unimpressive.  I could see many times what they were going for but it just seemed to fall short.  You start out like most games in the Newbie Tutorial setting with your two powers.  The problem is that the tutorial drags on and on as a series of quests.  I must admit the quests are pretty well written and thought out.  As you progress from quest to quest gaining experience you will gain levels.  With levels you would sort of expect to get a new power every once in a while.  The problem is you aren't allowed to get new powers until after you finish the tutorial.

The hours pass as you gain your first level, then your second, third, etc.  In all I believe I was level 6 by the time I completed the tutorial.  Finally as I emerged victorious from the newbie scenario I headed straight for the power training area.  Any sense of accomplishment was immediately beaten to death upon my arrival and a quick chat with one of the power vendors.  It seems that in my hours of questing and 6 levels I earned of the right kind of currency to get one power... Bite.  Hours worth of play and thats it, Bite?  Later powers in the line looked equally unimpressive and have expected to see Sniff Butt and Mark Territory somewhere in power tree.  After speaking to my friend I guess I supposedly picked one of the more limiting power lines in the game.  Silly me for not knowing which lines sucked.

Honestly though one of the greater joys in City of Heros had been the character creation process.  I felt like they offered a lot of costume and character options as well some pretty interesting powers.  The Champions Online character creation process just didn't excite me.  The costume choices often felt very limited.  It seemed like you could customize more things overall but the options for each choice were limited to the same slightly varied pieces.  At the end of the creator I always felt like my character just looked stupid.  Finally out of frustration and just wanting to play the game with my friend I punched the "Random" button until it generated something that didn't suggest my powers were good taste in clothing and a love of musicals....

Once I got into the game I was only there for a few moments before being unceremoniously booted.  I had previously taken my computer apart and I was waiting (wrongly) for my wife to help me put it back together.  (Space is limited and I have a hard time getting the cables to sit properly to close the case)  To reference my post a few days ago, I realized its my PC and I should stop waiting for her help and just do it myself.  With my PC back together and I think a few days left in my trial am debating whether or not to roll one more character and try to play with my friend.  I just wish any of the powers or abilities offer interested me more...

Yesterday after work I stopped by the Home Depot near me and picked up some things I have been meaning to get.  I was looking for something to make a stage for my wife's photo studio when I came across some interlocking pieces of particle board.  After some ideas on her part it looks like they may work nicely.

I spent most of the evening painting one of the doors in the basement.  I had planned to get more done but I failed to realized just what a pain painting a door really is.  I plan on doing the second coat tonight while hoping my previous experience will expedite the task a little.  Sometime while I was painting the door my mood finally shifted and felt tired.  The childish voice in my head was actively trying to rationalize taking a break to play a game.  I had to smile at the argument that I need to take some time for myself to have a little fun now and then.  I think I have the whole "taking some me time" covered pretty well, but it was a nice try.

Later on in the evening a chat with my neighbor proved a long enough distraction to derail any other plans for work that night.  The conversation actually proved to be a nice segue into something more relaxing before bed.  My wife decided it was too late for a movie so we played Mario Galaxy 2 instead.  I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to sleep for some reason and I took a sleep aid.  I must say whenever I take a Unisom my dreams are so vivid and interesting.  I suppose nothing comes without consequence though and I was especially slow to get up this morning for work.

Energy

I feel like there is a dramatic disparity between my mental and physical energy.  Mentally I often feel like I am channeling enough energy to create life out of sheer will.  In contrast physically I feel sort of run down by comparison.  I wish I could bring the two into alignment.

I would have to describe my mood as of late as introspective and "bummed".  Sad seems too severe and depressed seems to dramatic of a descriptor.  The weight of ones own failures is a heavy burden to bear when you gather them all at once.  I am trying not to allow myself to wallow to long in my own self pity lest it become my next "excuse".  I realize that the responsibility for my own success in any task ultimately lies with me.  You can delegate tasks but the accountability will always be your own constant shadow.  Understanding all of this is a  small comfort however and I find myself childishly wishing that it wasn't so.

The past is written in stone that can not be washed away with regret.  History is to be remembered that we might learn from it and not carried with us that it might weigh us down.  Looking forward I feel overwhelmed and my mind tells me I'm tired before I have yet to take my first step.  I'm not tired, I want to be tired, or at least believe I am, as though being tired were some valid appeal for reprieve.

I'm not tired, I'm selfish just like everyone else. I want what I want but I don't want to have to do all the work required to do it.  "I don't know how", "I need help with this part", "I'm not comfortable with this thing".  Irrelevant.  No matter how you say it you're always saying the same thing: "I'd like an excuse for failure because I don't want to do whats required".  The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.  I think I'm just mad because I've realized it for a while but I took comfort in it all the same.

Observations & The Meaning of Life

It has been said that human beings thrive on adversity, which I believe.  That being said I believe the somewhat understated implication that lack of adversity breeds stagnation is also true.  Its almost as if we need some opposition in order to be complete.  It was while contemplating these thoughts that I discovered the true meaning of life.  I know that many people have been searching for countless centuries but I have at last stumbled upon the  one true answer.  It was so simple and apparent that it was easily overlooked.  Are you ready for this?

The meaning of life.... is to aspire to become more than you are.

That's it!  That's the big secret.  That is the simple meaning to our entire existence.  I am currently accepting tokens of appreciation is the form of compliments as well as currency.

I had a good anniversary this weekend despite being sick.  My symptoms seem to let enough at the right times for us to be able to enjoy some time together.  We went to mass on Sunday but our lunch plans with my wife's parents were canceled due to an illness of their own.  Overall I was somewhat relieved that the day was cut short as it allowed me some much needed rest. 

I feel better today even though it is a wet and dreary day.  I'm looking forward to a new episode of House tonight and spending some time cuddled up with my wife.

Sometimes the effort required to accomplish something exceeds the enjoyment you get from it.  In other words, sometimes; "Sometimes the juice is worth the squeeze", and sometimes it isn't.  I think the lesson may have more to do with wisdom and experience than mere patience.

On fate and traffic

When I gave birth to the idea for this post I had a particular thought or idea I had planned to voice.  Fate it seems had a different plan.  The following is the train of thought as it left the station until it ultimately reached different destination.  I will try to be as coherent as I can if for no other reason that my underlying conclusion might be preserved.

I was thinking about this post as a drove home from a particularly tedious day of work.  My last three commutes to and from work have been terrible and this one was no different.  I imagined this post as a rant about traffic, police, and the inequities of man in general.  A month or so ago I was pulled over for speeding.  To my ire I was pulled over for speeding while cars where blowing by me on the right hand side, but I was speeding none the less.  I was very nice and polite to the officer as he took my information and handed me my speeding ticket.

The ticket itself bears mentioning because it is the catalyst of my story.  A speeding ticket for those who have never had one is about $125.00.  The price is a little high but not intolerable, but the cost doesn't stop there.  When you get a ticket it can affect your insurance, raising your premiums for a period of years in some cases.  I did the crime however and I have to pay the price, justice is justice after all, or is it.  Many places offer what they call a deferral program now.  If you agree to plead GUILTY and pay bribe... I mean fee the ticket will not show up on your record which means your insurance rates will not increase.  The fee, $244.40. 

With enough money you can make the problem "go away", but there is the catch.  If you are given a ticket any time in the next two years you will then have to pay the price of your original ticket plus the new one, and both tickets will appear on your insurance increasing your premiums substantially.  It feels more like a deal you would make with Fat Tony the mobster than with the government.  Most of the time people will take the plea and the government prefers it that way.  Twice the money for half the work and the prospect of a bonus later on.

Fear not, you have my word if you stay with me this post is not simple rant.  For obvious reasons I have been obeying the speed limit.  Because of this my commutes have been hell.  Most drivers are irritated that I am not going faster and my adherence to the speed limit has caused a number of close calls from drivers expecting me to be traveling faster.  My last few commutes have been particularly bad with drivers hanging from their windows screaming at me before pulling in front of me hitting the brakes hard.  Today's drive was no different with the exception of gentleman that promised to find and kill me.

Needless to say it was a bitter drive.  Doing the speed limit was making my life hell but I knew no excuse would matter if I were to speed up and get caught.  So there I sat between a rock and hard place.  The situation was unfair but if I sped up and got caught no one would care or even really want to hear about it.  They might even agree that the situation was unfair but that is it.  I thought about it as I drove and I decided people don't care unless it affects them.  Even if the issue is one they agree with if it does not affect them at that moment they will not care enough to do anything about it.

I mentioned in my previous post that people don't angry enough any more and I as drove I continued to think about this again and again.  I decided after a while that people were selfish and finally after some thought I arrived at what I decided was my underlying principal.  It's a weird habit but after discussing or arguing something with myself I like to end the whole set of thoughts some short paraphrasing of my conclusion into a neat little statement or set of statements.  My principal from this I decided was:  Everything that matters only matters to you. 

I was very pleased at myself for having packaged my conclusion so neatly.  For a moment I'm sure features must have took on a smug grin.  As I pulled into the drive I remember that the grass really need mowed.  Every fiber of my being told me to forget it.  It was a crappy day, I didn't want to do it.  I just wanted to go in, write my blog entry and sulk for a bit.  As I went into the house something in the back of my mind kept tugging at me, telling me to go out and mow the yard.  At least mow the front yard and put weed control stuff on the back yard.  Finally I gave into the nagging and changed my clothes.

As I started the mower and set to the task I found myself once again lost in my thoughts.  I was still pleased but bitter at my conclusion.  The entire conversation played through my head as I mowed the front yard, first the front and then on to the back.  As I reaffirmed my conclusion my smugness returned and a voice in my head repeated, "Everything that matters only matters to you."  "At that time", amended a second voice.  "At that time", repeated the first.

I could hear the first voice surprised at the amendment, "Wait, what?".  "At that time", said the first.  It really only matters at that time even to that person.  The first voice was listening but confused.  The second voice continued, "Think about it, you said yourself you don't think most people really want to hear about the problem even if they agree with it."  "You know this applies to you too, if someone told you a similar tale you would sympathize but not much more."  "The fact is when the moment has passed this problem will bore you as though it were someone elses."  After some thought the first voice concluded that the second voice was indeed correct and the principal was amended.

I was still left with my underlying conclusion, if anything the conversation had strengthened my case.  People are so shallow they can scarcely care about even themselves.  I continued to mow, this time the two voices reiterating the conversation, patting each other on the back and feeling generally smug for having puzzled through things so nicely.  And so the principal was repeated, "Everything that matters, only matters to you, at that time"  "Except those things that are timeless", amended a third voice.

The first two voices were confused, and so it was that the third voice began to elaborate.  "There are things that transcend the moment."  "There are somethings that people continually care about, things that will always matter.  "Everything that matters only matters to you, at that time, unless its timeless."  It was too clunky.  And thus my mind gave way to a chorus of voices.

I had hit upon something profound I just had to fully realize it.  Some things are timeless.  What makes them timeless?  They are the things that are truly important us.  Things we love, honor, etc.  These things transcend the moment.  I had posted that people had lost their fire, that I had lost my fire.  A voice said, "Perhaps you didn't loose your fire at all."  "Maybe you just learned to save it for the things worth fighting for, the things that really matter."  This day will come and go just like so many before it and so many yet to come.  Almost nothing that happens today will hold any meaning that time will not wash away.  The events of today are so small and easily forgotten they can scarcely be said to have happened.

Those things that endure are what really count.  Waste not your passion for the moment, for it is fleeting and to quickly spent.  Invest feeling in the things that will always matter.  And it was with those thoughts, standing in my backyard looking up into the clouds that I knew a sense of peace.  My breath came easy and my anger melted away.  Nothing changed about my situation except me.

For the record yes my thoughts are usually represented voices.  I figure as long as I don't name them I'm not schizophrenic... right?