When I gave birth to the idea for this post I had a particular thought or idea I had planned to voice. Fate it seems had a different plan. The following is the train of thought as it left the station until it ultimately reached different destination. I will try to be as coherent as I can if for no other reason that my underlying conclusion might be preserved.
I was thinking about this post as a drove home from a particularly tedious day of work. My last three commutes to and from work have been terrible and this one was no different. I imagined this post as a rant about traffic, police, and the inequities of man in general. A month or so ago I was pulled over for speeding. To my ire I was pulled over for speeding while cars where blowing by me on the right hand side, but I was speeding none the less. I was very nice and polite to the officer as he took my information and handed me my speeding ticket.
The ticket itself bears mentioning because it is the catalyst of my story. A speeding ticket for those who have never had one is about $125.00. The price is a little high but not intolerable, but the cost doesn't stop there. When you get a ticket it can affect your insurance, raising your premiums for a period of years in some cases. I did the crime however and I have to pay the price, justice is justice after all, or is it. Many places offer what they call a deferral program now. If you agree to plead GUILTY and pay bribe... I mean fee the ticket will not show up on your record which means your insurance rates will not increase. The fee, $244.40.
With enough money you can make the problem "go away", but there is the catch. If you are given a ticket any time in the next two years you will then have to pay the price of your original ticket plus the new one, and both tickets will appear on your insurance increasing your premiums substantially. It feels more like a deal you would make with Fat Tony the mobster than with the government. Most of the time people will take the plea and the government prefers it that way. Twice the money for half the work and the prospect of a bonus later on.
Fear not, you have my word if you stay with me this post is not simple rant. For obvious reasons I have been obeying the speed limit. Because of this my commutes have been hell. Most drivers are irritated that I am not going faster and my adherence to the speed limit has caused a number of close calls from drivers expecting me to be traveling faster. My last few commutes have been particularly bad with drivers hanging from their windows screaming at me before pulling in front of me hitting the brakes hard. Today's drive was no different with the exception of gentleman that promised to find and kill me.
Needless to say it was a bitter drive. Doing the speed limit was making my life hell but I knew no excuse would matter if I were to speed up and get caught. So there I sat between a rock and hard place. The situation was unfair but if I sped up and got caught no one would care or even really want to hear about it. They might even agree that the situation was unfair but that is it. I thought about it as I drove and I decided people don't care unless it affects them. Even if the issue is one they agree with if it does not affect them at that moment they will not care enough to do anything about it.
I mentioned in my previous post that people don't angry enough any more and I as drove I continued to think about this again and again. I decided after a while that people were selfish and finally after some thought I arrived at what I decided was my underlying principal. It's a weird habit but after discussing or arguing something with myself I like to end the whole set of thoughts some short paraphrasing of my conclusion into a neat little statement or set of statements. My principal from this I decided was: Everything that matters only matters to you.
I was very pleased at myself for having packaged my conclusion so neatly. For a moment I'm sure features must have took on a smug grin. As I pulled into the drive I remember that the grass really need mowed. Every fiber of my being told me to forget it. It was a crappy day, I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to go in, write my blog entry and sulk for a bit. As I went into the house something in the back of my mind kept tugging at me, telling me to go out and mow the yard. At least mow the front yard and put weed control stuff on the back yard. Finally I gave into the nagging and changed my clothes.
As I started the mower and set to the task I found myself once again lost in my thoughts. I was still pleased but bitter at my conclusion. The entire conversation played through my head as I mowed the front yard, first the front and then on to the back. As I reaffirmed my conclusion my smugness returned and a voice in my head repeated, "Everything that matters only matters to you." "At that time", amended a second voice. "At that time", repeated the first.
I could hear the first voice surprised at the amendment, "Wait, what?". "At that time", said the first. It really only matters at that time even to that person. The first voice was listening but confused. The second voice continued, "Think about it, you said yourself you don't think most people really want to hear about the problem even if they agree with it." "You know this applies to you too, if someone told you a similar tale you would sympathize but not much more." "The fact is when the moment has passed this problem will bore you as though it were someone elses." After some thought the first voice concluded that the second voice was indeed correct and the principal was amended.
I was still left with my underlying conclusion, if anything the conversation had strengthened my case. People are so shallow they can scarcely care about even themselves. I continued to mow, this time the two voices reiterating the conversation, patting each other on the back and feeling generally smug for having puzzled through things so nicely. And so the principal was repeated, "Everything that matters, only matters to you, at that time" "Except those things that are timeless", amended a third voice.
The first two voices were confused, and so it was that the third voice began to elaborate. "There are things that transcend the moment." "There are somethings that people continually care about, things that will always matter. "Everything that matters only matters to you, at that time, unless its timeless." It was too clunky. And thus my mind gave way to a chorus of voices.
I had hit upon something profound I just had to fully realize it. Some things are timeless. What makes them timeless? They are the things that are truly important us. Things we love, honor, etc. These things transcend the moment. I had posted that people had lost their fire, that I had lost my fire. A voice said, "Perhaps you didn't loose your fire at all." "Maybe you just learned to save it for the things worth fighting for, the things that really matter." This day will come and go just like so many before it and so many yet to come. Almost nothing that happens today will hold any meaning that time will not wash away. The events of today are so small and easily forgotten they can scarcely be said to have happened.
Those things that endure are what really count. Waste not your passion for the moment, for it is fleeting and to quickly spent. Invest feeling in the things that will always matter. And it was with those thoughts, standing in my backyard looking up into the clouds that I knew a sense of peace. My breath came easy and my anger melted away. Nothing changed about my situation except me.
For the record yes my thoughts are usually represented voices. I figure as long as I don't name them I'm not schizophrenic... right?
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