Looking over my 2010 resolutions I have a sense of accomplishment. In some ways 2011 is more significant than previous years. It represents for me not only the beginning of a new year but also the start of a new phase of my life. This will be my first year as a father and later as a catholic. Earlier last year I also made a transition that was significant at least to me, I turned 30. So 2011 represents the beginning of many things in my life.
Games
While I still intend to play video games I think perhaps the time has come to redefine the role they play in my life. I want to try shy away from or minimize my time playing maintenance "Skinner Box" games such as Farmville. It isn't that I do not enjoy them as much as the enjoyment they provide is not equal to amount of time and investment they require. I had originally planned to stop once I reached some arbitrary point in each game, but realized that these points were the same silly carrots that perpetuate my continuous playing.
Books
I have not read a book in what seems like forever. I need to read more this year and try to expand my own horizons.
Food
I am a sugar junkie. This year I am going to try to bring this under control. Chocolates and cookies have been my guilty pleasure for so long. I don't want to go overboard and eliminate sugar as much as I want to bring my cravings under control. Another goal under this topic is to reduce the amount of fast food I eat.
Potty mouth
This year I am going to work harder at controlling my potty mouth. Yes that includes my often colorful made up lyrics and songs.
Perspective
I want to try to keep a positive perspective on things. In general I have been doing pretty good with this but sometimes it is hard for me to see the forest through the trees.
Calmness
I tend to be a rather hyper and excitable person. While I think this has its benefits I would like to exude more of a sense of calm and peacefulness. Sometimes I have a tendency to say so much that nothing is really heard. I think that I may be able to say more by speaking less and really choosing my words carefully.
Assertiveness
I am going to work on being less passive about the things that are important to me.
For 2011 I would like to work on being a better husband, a good father, and a more understanding person.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
It's hard sometimes to just stay positive. I feel like nothing ever really lasts. Time erodes all things, people die, mountains crumble etc. Sometimes everything just seems so pointless. Fast forward 100 years, will anything I've ever done really matter? Probably not. Fast forward another 500 years or even a thousand and suddenly my entire life is so insignificant that its not even relate-able. A precious few that have made some significant contribution to mankind may find a few words about their lives in a text book but the majority will be overlooked.
Looking backward we know some of the key players in the construction of the pyramids but the vast majority of the workers were unremarkable and so they go unremembered. They all lived, worked, married, had children etc and then they died and were mourned for a generation before passing out of all memory. Time is a framing mechanism that gives our lives context and meaning. The longer the time span the more insignificant we become.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that since I feel insignificant I should just give up and not do anything. I will admit the thought is depressing but that doesn't necessarily mean I am depressed about it. I understand it and I want to say that I accept it but I think some part of me is still fighting.
Looking backward we know some of the key players in the construction of the pyramids but the vast majority of the workers were unremarkable and so they go unremembered. They all lived, worked, married, had children etc and then they died and were mourned for a generation before passing out of all memory. Time is a framing mechanism that gives our lives context and meaning. The longer the time span the more insignificant we become.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that since I feel insignificant I should just give up and not do anything. I will admit the thought is depressing but that doesn't necessarily mean I am depressed about it. I understand it and I want to say that I accept it but I think some part of me is still fighting.
I've been feeling "meh" lately but I'm not sure why. I spent all of Sunday sort of just laying in the bean bag chair watching American Dad. Off topic but there is a commercial on TV for a workout video called Flirty Girl Fit (FlirtyGirlfit.com). It's hilarious and sad all at the same time. Maybe if they re-marketed it as an instructional video for strippers... As a bonus you can learn the "Chair Dance" and the "Pole Dance". I think that may have cheered me right up.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Play Dom-jot human?
I have been thinking a lot lately about a particular episode of Star Trek (TNG) called "Tapestry". In it Jean-Luc Picard dies and meets an omnipotent acquaintance who questions the captain about any regrets he might have in his life. One incident from his youth readily comes to mind as it relates to his death now. He is then given the chance change the past by not taking that same risk. After correcting his mistake however he returns to life to find he is a different man, "bereft of passion and imagination" created from a lifetime of playing it safe.
In a plea to set things back he says, "I would rather die as the man I was than live the life I just saw." After restoring his past he is returned to life with a new understanding about himself and later makes a profound statement:
In a plea to set things back he says, "I would rather die as the man I was than live the life I just saw." After restoring his past he is returned to life with a new understanding about himself and later makes a profound statement:
"There are many parts of my youth that I'm not proud of. There were... loose threads - untidy parts of me that I would like to remove. But when I pulled on one of those threads - it'd unravel the tapestry of my life."
I have always held to the belief that we should embrace are mistakes because they often play a vital role in shaping who are and who we will become. However my mind keeps returning to the earlier revelation that always playing it safe may get you through life unscathed but it also leaves you with no great passion. It may seem cliche but to quote William Wallace: "Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."
Sometimes I wonder if this applies to me? My reluctance to sometimes make decisions is based on the fear of being wrong or more simply put the fear of the risk. There is a flip side to this metaphorical coin however in that I believe sometimes those who risk the most have the least to lose. I am very happy with my life as it is and though many risks may offer me much gain it often seems paltry in comparison to what I have and could therefor lose. "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? - Mark 8:36, Matthew 16:26, & Luke 9:25" I suppose the answer lies in finding middle ground between the extremes which has never really been my strong point.
Did I just quote Star Trek, Braveheart, and the Bible together....
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
So whats happened since the last time I blogged? I suppose there have been a few things worth mentioning.
At work I finally had to deal with a situation in which a co-worker was constantly wanting to buy Rx medication from me or have me join him during lunch to smoke pot. Despite the constant reminder that I am not interested in any of those activities he persisted until I was unfortunately forced to do something about it. After that I was temporarily pulled into another contract to assist on a project I knew nothing about. The expectations were that I would come in and instantly fix everything. Additionally it was assumed that I would just work non-stop with little or no consideration for petty things like sleep. At one point I simply put my foot down and said enough, well see how well that move bodes for me in the future.
Aside from work my friend decided to divorce his wife in the pursuit of happiness. In the interim he is staying with me until his wife is finished moving out of the house. Oddly enough now that he actually lives with me I see or hear from him less than ever. Most nights he is pre-occupied with more important things, but such is life. It was an interesting change to get used to having someone else live you but for most part I hardly remember he is there. There has been a bit of back and forth about whether he would sell the house or keep it but most of that has been ironed out now.
I can't remember the last time my father was around but its been a while. He came over with the rest of the family a while ago and pretty much acted like a child. I'm not sure what his problem was but he hardly said two words to me. Every 10 to 15 minutes was interrupted by him reminding everyone that he would rather not be there and would like to go home. Since that day I hadn't heard from him. I called him on this birthday but got no answer. Yesterday he called and acted as though nothing ever happened. He wanted to tell me my grandparents were coming down and to invite us to a cook out. I wouldn't say that I am really upset with him because I just really don't care.
We started RCIA classes recently. Overall I am enjoying them though I feel like sometimes they meander along seeking a direction. My mother didn't seem to take too well to the idea of me being catholic but she didn't protest too much. Her religious beliefs could best be describe as attending the Church of A&E and the History channel. Its an odd mixture of space aliens, reincarnation, and a myriad of gods including "the god". In the end it doesn't really matter what people think. I'm doing this for me.
Diving has been a lot of fun recently despite a few set backs. Someone walked off with a rented tank of my air on my Gilboa trip, but in the end they returned it to the shop. It still caused a bit of stress until it showed up. Other highlights of that trip included loosing my mask (someone found it for me) and throwing up underwater (which was actually kind of fun). My dive buddy sort of petered out on me about half way through. I still have Bill to dive with and I did have fun at the France Park scavenger hunt. I only got to do one dive however. After I got out of the water the first time I was so cold I had to change into dry clothes. The underwater pumpkin carving is coming up but I don't know if I am going yet or if I even want to.
My brother-in-law is wanting my wife and I to do some work for him and he is coming over sometime next week to do some video work. I've been working on finishing up the basement but its a lot of work and slow going. Meanwhile my wife has began her nesting stage of pregnancy and has begun addressing an agenda of her own. Patience is my focus lately as I try to let things roll off of me. Things have a way of being resolved whether we worry about them or not. I'm just not sure if that classifies as faith or apathy.
So as you can see not much has happened lately, just more of the same day in and day out.
At work I finally had to deal with a situation in which a co-worker was constantly wanting to buy Rx medication from me or have me join him during lunch to smoke pot. Despite the constant reminder that I am not interested in any of those activities he persisted until I was unfortunately forced to do something about it. After that I was temporarily pulled into another contract to assist on a project I knew nothing about. The expectations were that I would come in and instantly fix everything. Additionally it was assumed that I would just work non-stop with little or no consideration for petty things like sleep. At one point I simply put my foot down and said enough, well see how well that move bodes for me in the future.
Aside from work my friend decided to divorce his wife in the pursuit of happiness. In the interim he is staying with me until his wife is finished moving out of the house. Oddly enough now that he actually lives with me I see or hear from him less than ever. Most nights he is pre-occupied with more important things, but such is life. It was an interesting change to get used to having someone else live you but for most part I hardly remember he is there. There has been a bit of back and forth about whether he would sell the house or keep it but most of that has been ironed out now.
I can't remember the last time my father was around but its been a while. He came over with the rest of the family a while ago and pretty much acted like a child. I'm not sure what his problem was but he hardly said two words to me. Every 10 to 15 minutes was interrupted by him reminding everyone that he would rather not be there and would like to go home. Since that day I hadn't heard from him. I called him on this birthday but got no answer. Yesterday he called and acted as though nothing ever happened. He wanted to tell me my grandparents were coming down and to invite us to a cook out. I wouldn't say that I am really upset with him because I just really don't care.
We started RCIA classes recently. Overall I am enjoying them though I feel like sometimes they meander along seeking a direction. My mother didn't seem to take too well to the idea of me being catholic but she didn't protest too much. Her religious beliefs could best be describe as attending the Church of A&E and the History channel. Its an odd mixture of space aliens, reincarnation, and a myriad of gods including "the god". In the end it doesn't really matter what people think. I'm doing this for me.
Diving has been a lot of fun recently despite a few set backs. Someone walked off with a rented tank of my air on my Gilboa trip, but in the end they returned it to the shop. It still caused a bit of stress until it showed up. Other highlights of that trip included loosing my mask (someone found it for me) and throwing up underwater (which was actually kind of fun). My dive buddy sort of petered out on me about half way through. I still have Bill to dive with and I did have fun at the France Park scavenger hunt. I only got to do one dive however. After I got out of the water the first time I was so cold I had to change into dry clothes. The underwater pumpkin carving is coming up but I don't know if I am going yet or if I even want to.
My brother-in-law is wanting my wife and I to do some work for him and he is coming over sometime next week to do some video work. I've been working on finishing up the basement but its a lot of work and slow going. Meanwhile my wife has began her nesting stage of pregnancy and has begun addressing an agenda of her own. Patience is my focus lately as I try to let things roll off of me. Things have a way of being resolved whether we worry about them or not. I'm just not sure if that classifies as faith or apathy.
So as you can see not much has happened lately, just more of the same day in and day out.
Friday, August 13, 2010
A lesson learned and bridges burned
The past few days have proved both stressful and insightful. I've learned a lot about myself and other people. Now that things seemed to have settled down I have more time to put my thoughts on the matter down.
Have you ever known someone that you just couldn't fully believe in anything they said? Whenever they speak your left with the feeling that whether through omission or exaggeration you aren't quite getting the whole truth. It so happens that my wife and I have just such a friend. In addition to his allergy with the truth his stories tend to be grandiose over-productions that are clumsily laden with unintentional insults at the listener. Over time you just understand it and accept that its a part of who he is.
Last week this particular person called me. The call would not be extraordinary except that I can count on one hand the number of times he has called in the past 5 years. I chuckled as he opened with an unintended insult, "Hey listen, normally you'd be the last person on earth I would ask for a favor but...". He was in a bind and needed to borrow some money. I agreed to try and help him and asked how much he needed. Unfortunately he needed to borrow $500.00, and that is somewhat over the limit of what I can casually lend and I told him I would need to speak to my wife first.
Before I proceed the following are the facts what my wife and I knew at that point. Little more than a month ago during a frustrated day at work he quit and walked out. This is the same company that he fire from once before and cited that an internal conspiracy within the company would not allow him to file for unemployment. Having quit he was of course not eligible for benefits this time either. His wife works a steady minimum wage job and they had recently cashed out her 401k savings from a previous company. According to him they also had a plethora of savings on which to live for some time.
After a few weeks of sitting around he decided to take classes to become an insurance salesman. In the same month while paying for classes and supplies he also made several large purchases. An IMac, IPad, IPhone and other numerous toys were purchased all the while proclaiming savings were intact. Indeed he had even had enough to play with buying and selling stock. Now suddenly he has encountered a mysterious reversal of fortune in the span of one week? Had he spent through all of their savings, the money from her retirement, the money in stocks already? Perhaps more likely is that each pool of money was really one and the same.
I have never inquired into his financial stability because I honestly figure that it is none of my business. I have a tendency to empathize with people and this time was no different. After discussing it with my wife we both decided that $500 was more than we afford to lose. Because we wanted to help we offered to loan him $200 or $500 if he had some collateral. He was not interested in either option. I honestly felt bad. I really did want to help, but it felt too irresponsible to my own obligations to accept the risk.
Days later he called again to ask if I would co-sign on a loan for $2000. Unfortunately we could not. Again he repeated the urgency and importance of his need. I once again offered to loan him some money with collateral but when I tried to speak to him he told me he was too busy doing his chores to speak of it today and we would have to speak tomorrow. I must admit I was dumbstruck. So urgent was his needs for funds that he wanted the money wired, and then when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it outright as though he has all the time in the world.
I was right there with that one action that I lost all empathy for his situation. It occurred to me in that moment that he created his situation. He was either embellishing his need for money, or he failed to fully understand the severity of his situation. In either case it became clear to me. I believe he has every intention of paying me back. I do not however believe that he is capable of understanding his own situation in way appropriate to substantiate his belief. He believes he can repay me simply because he wants it to be so.
The next day only confirmed my beliefs on the matter. While he agreed to put up collateral it was under the condition that he be able to keep it. In the event that he couldn't pay, "I could just come over and take what ever he wasn't using". All the items of value belong to his wife and as such may not be used as he is solely responsible for resolving the situation on this own. This was another clue that lending him money was a bad idea. There is no solidarity at home, she has been removed from all responsibility for what will soon become consequences that impact both of them.
Both my wife and I feared that these events would damage or end our friendship and for the most part we were right. They see us as greedy and untrusting. In a sense their situation has become our fault. If WE had been willing to loan THEM money we "obviously" had they wouldn't be in a bad situation. In all honestly the blame doesn't bother me. It's hard sometimes when your in the middle of a bad situation of your own design to stop and accept responsibility. I think we instinctively look for someone to blame and take the responsibility out of our own hands.
I tried to explain why I couldn't just loan him the money outright. In the end I have to be accountable to my own family. If I loan him the money and he fails to repay it, we will suffer the consequences. If that happens I can't simply blame him for not paying me back. The responsibility of my decisions stays with me. As I feared my explanation fell on deaf ears. Although we may have burned a bridge it has taught me not to base my decisions on my empathy.
Have you ever known someone that you just couldn't fully believe in anything they said? Whenever they speak your left with the feeling that whether through omission or exaggeration you aren't quite getting the whole truth. It so happens that my wife and I have just such a friend. In addition to his allergy with the truth his stories tend to be grandiose over-productions that are clumsily laden with unintentional insults at the listener. Over time you just understand it and accept that its a part of who he is.
Last week this particular person called me. The call would not be extraordinary except that I can count on one hand the number of times he has called in the past 5 years. I chuckled as he opened with an unintended insult, "Hey listen, normally you'd be the last person on earth I would ask for a favor but...". He was in a bind and needed to borrow some money. I agreed to try and help him and asked how much he needed. Unfortunately he needed to borrow $500.00, and that is somewhat over the limit of what I can casually lend and I told him I would need to speak to my wife first.
Before I proceed the following are the facts what my wife and I knew at that point. Little more than a month ago during a frustrated day at work he quit and walked out. This is the same company that he fire from once before and cited that an internal conspiracy within the company would not allow him to file for unemployment. Having quit he was of course not eligible for benefits this time either. His wife works a steady minimum wage job and they had recently cashed out her 401k savings from a previous company. According to him they also had a plethora of savings on which to live for some time.
After a few weeks of sitting around he decided to take classes to become an insurance salesman. In the same month while paying for classes and supplies he also made several large purchases. An IMac, IPad, IPhone and other numerous toys were purchased all the while proclaiming savings were intact. Indeed he had even had enough to play with buying and selling stock. Now suddenly he has encountered a mysterious reversal of fortune in the span of one week? Had he spent through all of their savings, the money from her retirement, the money in stocks already? Perhaps more likely is that each pool of money was really one and the same.
I have never inquired into his financial stability because I honestly figure that it is none of my business. I have a tendency to empathize with people and this time was no different. After discussing it with my wife we both decided that $500 was more than we afford to lose. Because we wanted to help we offered to loan him $200 or $500 if he had some collateral. He was not interested in either option. I honestly felt bad. I really did want to help, but it felt too irresponsible to my own obligations to accept the risk.
Days later he called again to ask if I would co-sign on a loan for $2000. Unfortunately we could not. Again he repeated the urgency and importance of his need. I once again offered to loan him some money with collateral but when I tried to speak to him he told me he was too busy doing his chores to speak of it today and we would have to speak tomorrow. I must admit I was dumbstruck. So urgent was his needs for funds that he wanted the money wired, and then when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it outright as though he has all the time in the world.
I was right there with that one action that I lost all empathy for his situation. It occurred to me in that moment that he created his situation. He was either embellishing his need for money, or he failed to fully understand the severity of his situation. In either case it became clear to me. I believe he has every intention of paying me back. I do not however believe that he is capable of understanding his own situation in way appropriate to substantiate his belief. He believes he can repay me simply because he wants it to be so.
The next day only confirmed my beliefs on the matter. While he agreed to put up collateral it was under the condition that he be able to keep it. In the event that he couldn't pay, "I could just come over and take what ever he wasn't using". All the items of value belong to his wife and as such may not be used as he is solely responsible for resolving the situation on this own. This was another clue that lending him money was a bad idea. There is no solidarity at home, she has been removed from all responsibility for what will soon become consequences that impact both of them.
Both my wife and I feared that these events would damage or end our friendship and for the most part we were right. They see us as greedy and untrusting. In a sense their situation has become our fault. If WE had been willing to loan THEM money we "obviously" had they wouldn't be in a bad situation. In all honestly the blame doesn't bother me. It's hard sometimes when your in the middle of a bad situation of your own design to stop and accept responsibility. I think we instinctively look for someone to blame and take the responsibility out of our own hands.
I tried to explain why I couldn't just loan him the money outright. In the end I have to be accountable to my own family. If I loan him the money and he fails to repay it, we will suffer the consequences. If that happens I can't simply blame him for not paying me back. The responsibility of my decisions stays with me. As I feared my explanation fell on deaf ears. Although we may have burned a bridge it has taught me not to base my decisions on my empathy.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Zero Punctuation
I must admit that lately I've been indulging a bit of an obsession. Sometime ago a friend introduced me to an online game review video type blog on The Escapist Magazine called Zero Punctuation. The author doing the reviews is a British born gentleman currently living in Australia. What makes his game reviews so unique is the format. The reviews are animated in his own trademarked style. As the name might suggest he speaks at a very fast pace as he literally picks games apart.
It's a combination of things that keeps me enthralled. His rate of speech while considered fast paced is at the speed in which I wish all conversations took place. Also his frequent use of color metaphors and comparisons for illustrating his point hits close to home. Metaphors have long been my preferred method for communicating not just a thought but the feeling behind it. His brand of humor is sarcastic but honest in way I can relate to.
I've been listening to his reviews for weeks now, waiting impatiently each Wednesday for him to release a new one. Last night / this morning while searching on YouTube I stumbled across a number of people who either subtly or just blatantly try to recreate Yahtzee's (his nickname) style but it always falls short. Everyone I watched had some of the same elements but never enough to create that winning combination. I just find combination of his rate of speech, accent, and humor oddly soothingly.
I must admit there is a part of me that desperately wants to do something similar. The problem is I know I would fall short. More than that I think an effort to copy someone is misguided. I think if I ever decided to try some type of review etc I would need to find my own angle to make it unique. Food for thought.
It's a combination of things that keeps me enthralled. His rate of speech while considered fast paced is at the speed in which I wish all conversations took place. Also his frequent use of color metaphors and comparisons for illustrating his point hits close to home. Metaphors have long been my preferred method for communicating not just a thought but the feeling behind it. His brand of humor is sarcastic but honest in way I can relate to.
I've been listening to his reviews for weeks now, waiting impatiently each Wednesday for him to release a new one. Last night / this morning while searching on YouTube I stumbled across a number of people who either subtly or just blatantly try to recreate Yahtzee's (his nickname) style but it always falls short. Everyone I watched had some of the same elements but never enough to create that winning combination. I just find combination of his rate of speech, accent, and humor oddly soothingly.
I must admit there is a part of me that desperately wants to do something similar. The problem is I know I would fall short. More than that I think an effort to copy someone is misguided. I think if I ever decided to try some type of review etc I would need to find my own angle to make it unique. Food for thought.
Ack! Tick tick tick tick
We have a friend of ours that has Tourette syndrome. Not the more rare but highly publicized version that causes people to curse randomly, but the more common kind that just causes nervous ticks such as random movements or noises. Why am I mentioning this? Because at this moment I am sympathizing with that person in a rather unique way. The medicine I am on sometimes causes me to have a sort of nervous tick. My tick involves my tongue, I am either constantly rubbing the roof of my mouth or creating a sort of vacuum that causes my mouth to collect saliva. Over time (a day or so) it will cause the beginning of a sore on my tongue.
I think the most frustrating thing for is that I know am doing it. I know what will happen if I don't stop and yet somehow I am unable to control it. I want to say to myself, "Just Stop!" I feel like it should be that easy and yet I can't explain why its not. I can force my tongue to relax and perhaps not do it for a moment but it feels like I'm going to choke. Its like I've become acutely aware of my own swallowing and now I'm so conscious of it I'm screwing it up. Its just so frustrating not to have your body respond to your commands. Overall though it is a little humbling because its just a glimpse of what other people with more severe neurological disorders go through.
It's 4 a.m. and I'm still awake. I suppose its time for what I call a reboot. It seems unwise to try and go to sleep at this point. If I sleep their will be no waking me for work. So I will probably try to just stay up for a couple more hours before heading off to work. At least I can get there early for once... maybe.
ADHD
As you may or may not know I have ADHD. I was diagnosed as kid and prescribed Ritalin. I took it for a little while but I never liked the way it made me feel and my parents were never very consistent about making sure I took it. After a few months they just stopped filling the Rx. It almost felt like a fad. Fast forward to today, or rather a few years ago. I, much like my wife, am not very fond of taking medications. The idea of being "tied" to something was very unappealing. I imagined myself as a diabetic during the zombie apocalypse at the mercy of either brain eating zombies or insulin. I didn't like the idea of being dependent on things.
One day after some conversation my wife made some very good points. I never really thought of things being bad, but I didn't really have anything to compare it to. In a way I was ignorant to the possibility of what could be. What if things could be better? A few doctor visits later I had an Rx for Stratera. The doctor chose Stratera mainly because it's the only ADHD medication that is not a narcotic.
The first problem I had with Stratera was that it made me sort of nauseous, but I managed to work around that. It did have an effect on my behavior but other people noticed the change long before I could perceive a difference. I chose not to tell anyone that I was taking the medicine. I wanted any observations made to be unbiased. People were very used to me being excitable and hyper and the change in behavior was perceived as extreme. Often times people thought that I was sad. I tried to stay with the Stratera for as long as I could but in the end some very unusual side effects caused my doctor to discontinue the Stratera and prescribe Aderall XR.
Aderall was a huge difference from Stratera. The nausea was gone and my attitude was not perceived as being sad or depressed. I had some mania the very first time I took it which lead to non stop multi-day cleaning spree on my part, but afterwards the side effects subsided to random bad cases of dry mouth. With the dry mouth sometimes came the habit of constantly rubbing my tongue against the roof of my mouth. In retrospect it seems more like a tick. When the problem persisted I would develop a sore in the middle of my tongue. Usually just stopping the medication for 1 to 2 days would let my tongue heal and then I would continue without problem. Later I had some issues with teeth grinding at night but it was nothing a night time retainer couldn't fix.
My job situation has been "odd" to say the least for almost the last year. About 3 months after being at the clients it seemed like after more than a year of working just fine my medicine wasn't as effective. I mentioned it a few times when I got my refills and the doctor offered to up my dosage. I decided not to change anything for a while and see if I could work on things from my end. At one point I even wondered if the changes weren't due to a change in my Rx from name brand to a generic. Finally after a few months I decided to talk to the doctor about changing my dose.
When I spoke to the doctor she mentioned a new drug called Vyvanse that many of her patients had been changing to. After some discussion I decided to try it. The first Rx was OK but it seemed very underpowered. After some discussion she decided to change to a higher dosage twice a day. After the dosage change I could definitely tell a difference. The problem however was that the side effects seemed much more severe. With Vyvanse I seemed to have wet mouth. I find myself constantly carrying a mouthful of spit. Also that nervous tick with my tongue returned with a vengeance.
It got to the point that I couldn't take 2 pills a day for more than 2 or 3 days at a time before my symptoms caused me to either stop or only take one pill. It also took me a while to realize but even with the full dose I still had this sense of apathy. I think perhaps the problem I am having right now is one that the medicine can't help. I wonder if its not just as effective as its always been, and its just that the issues I am having are interfering.
The side effects I am having make me think I'm taking too much. I have figured out that I have to be careful what other medicines I take with it. I have particularly bad allergies and I have found that if I am taking even just one pill in addition to allergy medicine the side effects can be worse faster. Recently while doing a search for something I came across this article on Vyvanse. Here is a small excerpt that caught my attention:
Due to the side effects my dosages have been all over the place including some on again off again periods. As I mentioned in a previous blog my wife has recently observed what might be described as depression (though I wouldn't say severe). I have also had more than one bout of what I would call extreme tiredness. Not to mention about 15lbs of weight gain. (of course that might have something to do with the cheesecake, oreos, cookies, and popsicles that I have charitably called meals recently) Still, I wonder if my medicine isn't throwing me out of whack a little.
One more quick excerpt from the article under the serious side effects section:
I must admit these two bullets gave me a chuckle. "Believing things that are not true", like the new Knight Rider series that got canceled was an excellent mini-series with great characters and stories that was unfairly canceled before its time? "Feeling unusually suspicious of others", as opposed to a usual suspicion of other people? I'm curious exactly how suspicious is unusually suspicious? As my good friend Fox Mulder used to say, "Trust No One!"
One day after some conversation my wife made some very good points. I never really thought of things being bad, but I didn't really have anything to compare it to. In a way I was ignorant to the possibility of what could be. What if things could be better? A few doctor visits later I had an Rx for Stratera. The doctor chose Stratera mainly because it's the only ADHD medication that is not a narcotic.
The first problem I had with Stratera was that it made me sort of nauseous, but I managed to work around that. It did have an effect on my behavior but other people noticed the change long before I could perceive a difference. I chose not to tell anyone that I was taking the medicine. I wanted any observations made to be unbiased. People were very used to me being excitable and hyper and the change in behavior was perceived as extreme. Often times people thought that I was sad. I tried to stay with the Stratera for as long as I could but in the end some very unusual side effects caused my doctor to discontinue the Stratera and prescribe Aderall XR.
Aderall was a huge difference from Stratera. The nausea was gone and my attitude was not perceived as being sad or depressed. I had some mania the very first time I took it which lead to non stop multi-day cleaning spree on my part, but afterwards the side effects subsided to random bad cases of dry mouth. With the dry mouth sometimes came the habit of constantly rubbing my tongue against the roof of my mouth. In retrospect it seems more like a tick. When the problem persisted I would develop a sore in the middle of my tongue. Usually just stopping the medication for 1 to 2 days would let my tongue heal and then I would continue without problem. Later I had some issues with teeth grinding at night but it was nothing a night time retainer couldn't fix.
My job situation has been "odd" to say the least for almost the last year. About 3 months after being at the clients it seemed like after more than a year of working just fine my medicine wasn't as effective. I mentioned it a few times when I got my refills and the doctor offered to up my dosage. I decided not to change anything for a while and see if I could work on things from my end. At one point I even wondered if the changes weren't due to a change in my Rx from name brand to a generic. Finally after a few months I decided to talk to the doctor about changing my dose.
When I spoke to the doctor she mentioned a new drug called Vyvanse that many of her patients had been changing to. After some discussion I decided to try it. The first Rx was OK but it seemed very underpowered. After some discussion she decided to change to a higher dosage twice a day. After the dosage change I could definitely tell a difference. The problem however was that the side effects seemed much more severe. With Vyvanse I seemed to have wet mouth. I find myself constantly carrying a mouthful of spit. Also that nervous tick with my tongue returned with a vengeance.
It got to the point that I couldn't take 2 pills a day for more than 2 or 3 days at a time before my symptoms caused me to either stop or only take one pill. It also took me a while to realize but even with the full dose I still had this sense of apathy. I think perhaps the problem I am having right now is one that the medicine can't help. I wonder if its not just as effective as its always been, and its just that the issues I am having are interfering.
The side effects I am having make me think I'm taking too much. I have figured out that I have to be careful what other medicines I take with it. I have particularly bad allergies and I have found that if I am taking even just one pill in addition to allergy medicine the side effects can be worse faster. Recently while doing a search for something I came across this article on Vyvanse. Here is a small excerpt that caught my attention:
Do not stop taking lisdexamfetamine without talking to your doctor, especially if you have overused the medication. Your doctor will probably decrease your dose gradually and monitor you carefully during this time. You may develop severe depression and extreme tiredness if you suddenly stop taking lisdexamfetamine after overusing it.
Due to the side effects my dosages have been all over the place including some on again off again periods. As I mentioned in a previous blog my wife has recently observed what might be described as depression (though I wouldn't say severe). I have also had more than one bout of what I would call extreme tiredness. Not to mention about 15lbs of weight gain. (of course that might have something to do with the cheesecake, oreos, cookies, and popsicles that I have charitably called meals recently) Still, I wonder if my medicine isn't throwing me out of whack a little.
One more quick excerpt from the article under the serious side effects section:
- believing things that are not true
- feeling unusually suspicious of others
I must admit these two bullets gave me a chuckle. "Believing things that are not true", like the new Knight Rider series that got canceled was an excellent mini-series with great characters and stories that was unfairly canceled before its time? "Feeling unusually suspicious of others", as opposed to a usual suspicion of other people? I'm curious exactly how suspicious is unusually suspicious? As my good friend Fox Mulder used to say, "Trust No One!"
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A little "off"
I think I've been a bit "off" lately. My wife thinks I might be a bit depressed. Depression is one of those odd things I have a hard time understanding. I used to believe being depressed meant contemplating various methods for shuffling off the ole' mortal coil. I have since come to understand that being depressed can manifest in a myriad of different ways, but its still hard for me to recognize it in myself.
My symptoms appear to be as follows:
I'm tired more often. Often times I don't feel like doing anything and oddly enough when I do I can't seem to figure out what to do until time seems to have just passed me by. I am withdrawn but I'm not necessarily avoiding people. I would like to but I have a reasonable penchant towards practicality. I posted in a previous blog that I would like nothing better than to hide away in a basement doing essentially nothing. There was a particular emphasis on avoiding the sunlight all together though my motives are not as depressed as they seem. I actually like the sunlight just fine. The real reason for eliminating my exposure to it was because it represents a sense of time, and time is exactly what I wanted to forget. 3a.m. or 5p.m would be completely irrelevant. 24 hours would no longer define a "day". The "day" would be as long as my circadian rhythm dictated.
To be honest I think a lot of the way I feel right now is a combination how I feel about my current job and some life changing events in my life. My job right now is very disorganized. Things are very undefined with no real structure and I am not in a position to be able to bring the order that I or the project needs. I hesitate to complain because the job itself is very laid back and easy going, so much though nothing seems to matter. The project itself isn't even defined, or it gets defined as we go. I am glad that the deadlines don't seem to matter but I think its because they know the expectations are unreasonable or more likely they aren't really sure what the expectations are.
Having a baby is listed as one of those common "Stress Factors" right beside job loss, divorce, marriage, and any other major event. I realize that it does impact me but I'm honestly really happy that I'm going to be a father. I know there are a lot of things that will need to be done and I do feel a renewed emphasis on money. Truthfully though I don't think these things are the problem. I don't feel anxious about what has to be done. I do however feel "odd" about all the things that were already on the list to be done.
I say "odd" because I don't know what the feeling is or how to describe it. I feel a little ashamed at all the things that I should have done by now that I just consistently put off. It's almost as though I'm having a "reckoning" with myself. There are times when I ask myself how I can expect to do the things I intend regarding the baby when I couldn't do the things I intended to get done before. Our money situation is not bad, but at the same time its not where we wanted to be either. I think I could be OK with that except for the fact that I no longer feel empowered to do anything about it. Frugality and saving is a passive approach (still positive). In the past though I felt like I could use a more active approach to change things.
Maybe that's what I want to hide from, responsibility. Not the responsibility of being a father or a husband which I think someone would naturally assume first. I don't feel empowered to change things in general be it at work or home. That's not to say I think I am a failure. I have not lost my perspective as far as that is concerned. I have a lot of good things to be thankful for. I have a wonderful wife. I am about to be a father. We are both comfortable and happy. It isn't that I forget the good things, its just that the good doesn't just excuse the bad.
I think my fantasy about retreating is really just a selfish dream. I want to withdraw and do what I want. I want to avoid interactions with people because I don't want to be concerned with them or what they want. It all seems to come back to me me me and that's a selfish attitude to have. There is more to think about than just myself. Maybe that's what depression is, selfishness. Theinability lack of desire to look beyond my own needs and wants.
My symptoms appear to be as follows:
I'm tired more often. Often times I don't feel like doing anything and oddly enough when I do I can't seem to figure out what to do until time seems to have just passed me by. I am withdrawn but I'm not necessarily avoiding people. I would like to but I have a reasonable penchant towards practicality. I posted in a previous blog that I would like nothing better than to hide away in a basement doing essentially nothing. There was a particular emphasis on avoiding the sunlight all together though my motives are not as depressed as they seem. I actually like the sunlight just fine. The real reason for eliminating my exposure to it was because it represents a sense of time, and time is exactly what I wanted to forget. 3a.m. or 5p.m would be completely irrelevant. 24 hours would no longer define a "day". The "day" would be as long as my circadian rhythm dictated.
To be honest I think a lot of the way I feel right now is a combination how I feel about my current job and some life changing events in my life. My job right now is very disorganized. Things are very undefined with no real structure and I am not in a position to be able to bring the order that I or the project needs. I hesitate to complain because the job itself is very laid back and easy going, so much though nothing seems to matter. The project itself isn't even defined, or it gets defined as we go. I am glad that the deadlines don't seem to matter but I think its because they know the expectations are unreasonable or more likely they aren't really sure what the expectations are.
Having a baby is listed as one of those common "Stress Factors" right beside job loss, divorce, marriage, and any other major event. I realize that it does impact me but I'm honestly really happy that I'm going to be a father. I know there are a lot of things that will need to be done and I do feel a renewed emphasis on money. Truthfully though I don't think these things are the problem. I don't feel anxious about what has to be done. I do however feel "odd" about all the things that were already on the list to be done.
I say "odd" because I don't know what the feeling is or how to describe it. I feel a little ashamed at all the things that I should have done by now that I just consistently put off. It's almost as though I'm having a "reckoning" with myself. There are times when I ask myself how I can expect to do the things I intend regarding the baby when I couldn't do the things I intended to get done before. Our money situation is not bad, but at the same time its not where we wanted to be either. I think I could be OK with that except for the fact that I no longer feel empowered to do anything about it. Frugality and saving is a passive approach (still positive). In the past though I felt like I could use a more active approach to change things.
Maybe that's what I want to hide from, responsibility. Not the responsibility of being a father or a husband which I think someone would naturally assume first. I don't feel empowered to change things in general be it at work or home. That's not to say I think I am a failure. I have not lost my perspective as far as that is concerned. I have a lot of good things to be thankful for. I have a wonderful wife. I am about to be a father. We are both comfortable and happy. It isn't that I forget the good things, its just that the good doesn't just excuse the bad.
I think my fantasy about retreating is really just a selfish dream. I want to withdraw and do what I want. I want to avoid interactions with people because I don't want to be concerned with them or what they want. It all seems to come back to me me me and that's a selfish attitude to have. There is more to think about than just myself. Maybe that's what depression is, selfishness. The
XBox 360
It happened by chance, but it happened none the less. The stars somehow aligned and I finally picked up an XBox 360. Its not that I hated the system really, it just never appealed to me. My only previous experience with an XBox is the vague memory of playing Mechwarrior for 5 minutes and once observing a game of Halo. Quite frankly I don't even know if it was an XBox or an XBox 360. The XBox always seemed like a system poised to appeal to your college frat boy.
To be fair I wasn't a fan of the PS3 in the beginning either, having owned neither the PS 1 or PS 2 before it. The controllers for system other than Nintendo always felt foreign in my hands, and I had always considered myself more of a computer gamer than a console junkie. Then one Christmas we picked up a couple of PS3's to hopefully resell for some extra Christmas money. The first one sold very well but right afterwards the demand dropped completely off. After a while we decided to keep the second one and we haven't been sorry. The launch titles were definitely iffy at best, but the console eventually grew out of its awkward puberty into a quite capable machine.
My draw to the XBox was mostly due to a game. The initial news that Portals 2 would not be available on the PS3 was the first event to force me to consider purchasing one. Later to my relief they announced that although they were pushing back the release date it would be available on the PS3. However with the idea of the XBox on my mind I started to wonder what other games I might actually be interested in that were only available on the XBox. Fable 2 was the first that came to mind. I had seen the reviews for quite a while and it had always looked interesting.
At the same time I was considering this it just so happened that a friend of mine had an Arcade Version that he was willing to part with for a song. Having no prior knowledge of the system I was quick to learn that Arcade meant basically it had no Hard Drive or Wireless etc. My only fear or hesitation was the common Red Ring of Death problem that seemed to be plaguing the XBox 360 since... well since as long as I can remember. For the price however I decided to take the chance. All he had was the System, Power Cord, and the game Mass Effect. It seems the other peripherals were all victims of various unexplained accidents. I found Fable 2 on sale for $19.99 and I picked up a controller and an AV cable. Apparently older XBox 360 models are without HDMI.
With the console hooked up and the game in place I crossed my fingers and hit the power. The system seemed good and game play seemed fine. I played for quite a while the first night before saving and shutting down to get some sleep. The next day however after playing for only a few moments the system hung. I cycled the power and tried to load the game again but the result was the same. I tried making a new game but still all it would do was load and then hang. I was disappointed to say the least but after reading online apparently its a common problem with the game if you don't have a hard drive. There were a large number of hits and complaints that apparently are just going ignored.
Accepting my fate I decided to head down to the Game Stop and see about a Hard Drive. I actually felt pretty lucky. They happened to have a decent sized drive at a somewhat reasonable price. So drive purchased and attached. Disc in place, power on and install! Except two minutes into the install a message appears saying the disc is unreadable or may be scratched. The disc was new and its condition was pristine. Finally after spending some quality time with Google I found once again that the problem I was having was not uncommon. So after a lengthy exchange process I returned triumphant with a working copy of Fable 2. If the game turns out not to be worth all the effort I'm going to call Peter Molyneux and have a long talk.
To be fair I wasn't a fan of the PS3 in the beginning either, having owned neither the PS 1 or PS 2 before it. The controllers for system other than Nintendo always felt foreign in my hands, and I had always considered myself more of a computer gamer than a console junkie. Then one Christmas we picked up a couple of PS3's to hopefully resell for some extra Christmas money. The first one sold very well but right afterwards the demand dropped completely off. After a while we decided to keep the second one and we haven't been sorry. The launch titles were definitely iffy at best, but the console eventually grew out of its awkward puberty into a quite capable machine.
My draw to the XBox was mostly due to a game. The initial news that Portals 2 would not be available on the PS3 was the first event to force me to consider purchasing one. Later to my relief they announced that although they were pushing back the release date it would be available on the PS3. However with the idea of the XBox on my mind I started to wonder what other games I might actually be interested in that were only available on the XBox. Fable 2 was the first that came to mind. I had seen the reviews for quite a while and it had always looked interesting.
At the same time I was considering this it just so happened that a friend of mine had an Arcade Version that he was willing to part with for a song. Having no prior knowledge of the system I was quick to learn that Arcade meant basically it had no Hard Drive or Wireless etc. My only fear or hesitation was the common Red Ring of Death problem that seemed to be plaguing the XBox 360 since... well since as long as I can remember. For the price however I decided to take the chance. All he had was the System, Power Cord, and the game Mass Effect. It seems the other peripherals were all victims of various unexplained accidents. I found Fable 2 on sale for $19.99 and I picked up a controller and an AV cable. Apparently older XBox 360 models are without HDMI.
With the console hooked up and the game in place I crossed my fingers and hit the power. The system seemed good and game play seemed fine. I played for quite a while the first night before saving and shutting down to get some sleep. The next day however after playing for only a few moments the system hung. I cycled the power and tried to load the game again but the result was the same. I tried making a new game but still all it would do was load and then hang. I was disappointed to say the least but after reading online apparently its a common problem with the game if you don't have a hard drive. There were a large number of hits and complaints that apparently are just going ignored.
Accepting my fate I decided to head down to the Game Stop and see about a Hard Drive. I actually felt pretty lucky. They happened to have a decent sized drive at a somewhat reasonable price. So drive purchased and attached. Disc in place, power on and install! Except two minutes into the install a message appears saying the disc is unreadable or may be scratched. The disc was new and its condition was pristine. Finally after spending some quality time with Google I found once again that the problem I was having was not uncommon. So after a lengthy exchange process I returned triumphant with a working copy of Fable 2. If the game turns out not to be worth all the effort I'm going to call Peter Molyneux and have a long talk.
To blog or not to blog
Sometimes its hard to actually blog about whats going on in your life. The problem centers around the lack of anonymity mostly. If your blog is actually associated with you it can make posting about things like work, friends, and family a very precarious situation. I find myself choosing my words carefully or simply not saying anything at all in some situations just in case my words should come back to haunt me. The old warning to watch what you say would be better put as watch what you express.
I have known people who take the stance that their blog is their own and that any liberties they might take in expressing their feelings are well within their rights. Perhaps in a perfect world. The fact is that while you are free to express yourself there is nothing granting you indemnity for your reactions. Only a fool or an ass believes they are beyond reproach. Anonymity is expressions true friend, for it is only when we are free from consequence that we express are true feelings.
I have known people who take the stance that their blog is their own and that any liberties they might take in expressing their feelings are well within their rights. Perhaps in a perfect world. The fact is that while you are free to express yourself there is nothing granting you indemnity for your reactions. Only a fool or an ass believes they are beyond reproach. Anonymity is expressions true friend, for it is only when we are free from consequence that we express are true feelings.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Utopia
Picture it.
A basement or sub level apartment, no windows. Simple little kitchen with basic necessities, same for the bathroom. One main room with a tv, game consoles, computer, and a large bean bag. The only lighting is black lights and the warm glow of the television. Time looses all meaning and life becomes an endless circle of eating, playing, sleeping etc. Being alone I would often take on more simian properties including walking about on all fours in an almost ape like manner and pounding my fists about the floors while making low guttural noises. Communication would revert to a series of grunts unless absolutely necessary. Exposure to the sunlight would be my only enemy.
Sounds like heaven right?
A basement or sub level apartment, no windows. Simple little kitchen with basic necessities, same for the bathroom. One main room with a tv, game consoles, computer, and a large bean bag. The only lighting is black lights and the warm glow of the television. Time looses all meaning and life becomes an endless circle of eating, playing, sleeping etc. Being alone I would often take on more simian properties including walking about on all fours in an almost ape like manner and pounding my fists about the floors while making low guttural noises. Communication would revert to a series of grunts unless absolutely necessary. Exposure to the sunlight would be my only enemy.
Sounds like heaven right?
Work
I've been rather apathetic recently and I have the overwhelming feeling that much of it is related to my work. About 8 months or so ago I was placed at a client to do some work. All positions have their quirks and so I chalked many of the issues up to this fact alone, but there always been this feeling I couldn't quite put into the words. Don't misunderstand me, the client is actually very friendly and laid back. So I kept asking myself, "What am I complaining about?"
Today after months of pondering in the back of my mind it suddenly occurred to me. Do you remember Tetris? Tetris and other similar puzzle games would often have a "Continuous Mode". In this mode the game simply goes on forever until 1 of 2 conditions are met. You either lose or you stop playing. The whole concept of entering into something with the only premise being to lose and the only benchmark being how long it took you to do it seems... well stupid. The feature even rears its ugly head in the occasional first person shooter, allowing the player to shoot creature after creature until eternity or death. It sounds more like a description of pain rather than fun.
What does all this have to do with my project? I can't win, it can't be beaten. Level after level it just continues on and on without even a concept of an end and somehow I have the controller in my hand. Even if I loose I just have to start playing again. I had to pinch myself to make sure I hadn't slipped into a dream of my own private hell. I don't care what my score is, or how quickly I was able to get in that last sub routine. It's all without purpose, the ultimate exercise in futility. And so I am apathetic, comfortably numb and insulated from the repetitive uselessness of it all. I just wish it didn't bleed into the rest of my life.
Today after months of pondering in the back of my mind it suddenly occurred to me. Do you remember Tetris? Tetris and other similar puzzle games would often have a "Continuous Mode". In this mode the game simply goes on forever until 1 of 2 conditions are met. You either lose or you stop playing. The whole concept of entering into something with the only premise being to lose and the only benchmark being how long it took you to do it seems... well stupid. The feature even rears its ugly head in the occasional first person shooter, allowing the player to shoot creature after creature until eternity or death. It sounds more like a description of pain rather than fun.
What does all this have to do with my project? I can't win, it can't be beaten. Level after level it just continues on and on without even a concept of an end and somehow I have the controller in my hand. Even if I loose I just have to start playing again. I had to pinch myself to make sure I hadn't slipped into a dream of my own private hell. I don't care what my score is, or how quickly I was able to get in that last sub routine. It's all without purpose, the ultimate exercise in futility. And so I am apathetic, comfortably numb and insulated from the repetitive uselessness of it all. I just wish it didn't bleed into the rest of my life.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Blogs can be very frustrating. I have a lot to blog about but the reality is I can't. There are too many people that I know that read my blog and know it is my blog. So naturally anything concerning them is somewhat off limits. At the same time those very people make up the majority of my life. Catch 22 nothing to blog about. Can't really blog about work, what if someone that I work with find a blog connected to me.... Just frustrating.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Assertiveness
I have never been an assertive person and although I have realized this for sometime I had never stopped to really wonder why, until now. I have been thinking a great deal about the reasons behind my attitude lately, perhaps in an effort to explain it or at the very least understand it. I don't think it is any one thing as much as it is probably a collection of several things.
I think my observations are one contributing factor. I have watched many assertive people and leaders and I have always felt that more often than not they are wrong. Sometimes I feel the most assertive people are usually the ones that are the least correct. While I envy they're ability to lead I also disdain their stubbornness and the seeming inability to re-evaluate their decisions. It feels like in order for them to lead they must be deaf and blind to any input contrary to their decision.
I believe another contributing factor is empathy. I often have a hard time doing things or leading people with strong view points contrary to my own. I feel the passion they have for their opinion and I empathize with it to the point of trying to find some compromise between views. I don't like the feeling that people are upset or aggravated with me.
I am afraid of making a decision I think because I am afraid of making the wrong decision. This is especially true when I know that my actions will affect other people. I hate the way some people will make a decision that affects other people without considering input, and when that decision shows itself to be poor it never seems to matter to the person that made it. It's as though they feel no responsibility to the people affected by the poor choice that THEY made.
For the longest time I've felt like to be a good leader or to be assertive you have to be an asshole. You make your decision and consequences be damned. I have a hard time seeing myself in that role or being that person.
This weekend however something new occurred to me. If some many leaders are poor why do some many continue to follow them? I think its because most of us want to be led, even when the destination is not in our best interest. Being led I think gives us the feeling that the consequences are not our fault. That feeling is an illusion and a lie. I have always tried to accept that I am directly responsible for what happens to me. Not making a decision is the same as making one. If I'm not willing to give up the feeling of responsibility for my actions then why do I continue to be lead?
I can lead. I just don't think people would like me very much. I think the change would put many people off, especially those closer to me. That responsibility I feel to other people is a hard thing to ignore. I constantly second guess myself, and I wonder who am I to decide that I am the one to make a decision for other people?
I suppose the only shelter I can take from my own feelings is instead put the blame back on them. If the outcome of my choice negatively impacts someone that took my direction it's their own fault for not leading themselves. They chose to follow. I chastise myself to take responsibility for my own actions or inaction's. If don't expect others to be responsible for me why do feel like I need to responsible for others?
My empathy is illogical but no less powerful and influential. I almost feel like it defines me. It allows me to adapt and read people. The more time I spend with someone the more I adopt their mannerisms and even their ideas. I feel like everything about me changes based on the company I keep. I think sometimes that is why I had issues being alone. I can often remember sitting alone and thinking that I have no idea how I really feel about something. It's an odd sensation not know if your feelings on something are truly your own or simply a reflection of the last person you were with. Maybe my lack of identity is a contributor to my lack of assertiveness. I suppose its hard to make decisions when your never really sure how you feel. Perhaps my empathy for others is my greatest enemy?
I think my observations are one contributing factor. I have watched many assertive people and leaders and I have always felt that more often than not they are wrong. Sometimes I feel the most assertive people are usually the ones that are the least correct. While I envy they're ability to lead I also disdain their stubbornness and the seeming inability to re-evaluate their decisions. It feels like in order for them to lead they must be deaf and blind to any input contrary to their decision.
I believe another contributing factor is empathy. I often have a hard time doing things or leading people with strong view points contrary to my own. I feel the passion they have for their opinion and I empathize with it to the point of trying to find some compromise between views. I don't like the feeling that people are upset or aggravated with me.
I am afraid of making a decision I think because I am afraid of making the wrong decision. This is especially true when I know that my actions will affect other people. I hate the way some people will make a decision that affects other people without considering input, and when that decision shows itself to be poor it never seems to matter to the person that made it. It's as though they feel no responsibility to the people affected by the poor choice that THEY made.
For the longest time I've felt like to be a good leader or to be assertive you have to be an asshole. You make your decision and consequences be damned. I have a hard time seeing myself in that role or being that person.
This weekend however something new occurred to me. If some many leaders are poor why do some many continue to follow them? I think its because most of us want to be led, even when the destination is not in our best interest. Being led I think gives us the feeling that the consequences are not our fault. That feeling is an illusion and a lie. I have always tried to accept that I am directly responsible for what happens to me. Not making a decision is the same as making one. If I'm not willing to give up the feeling of responsibility for my actions then why do I continue to be lead?
I can lead. I just don't think people would like me very much. I think the change would put many people off, especially those closer to me. That responsibility I feel to other people is a hard thing to ignore. I constantly second guess myself, and I wonder who am I to decide that I am the one to make a decision for other people?
I suppose the only shelter I can take from my own feelings is instead put the blame back on them. If the outcome of my choice negatively impacts someone that took my direction it's their own fault for not leading themselves. They chose to follow. I chastise myself to take responsibility for my own actions or inaction's. If don't expect others to be responsible for me why do feel like I need to responsible for others?
My empathy is illogical but no less powerful and influential. I almost feel like it defines me. It allows me to adapt and read people. The more time I spend with someone the more I adopt their mannerisms and even their ideas. I feel like everything about me changes based on the company I keep. I think sometimes that is why I had issues being alone. I can often remember sitting alone and thinking that I have no idea how I really feel about something. It's an odd sensation not know if your feelings on something are truly your own or simply a reflection of the last person you were with. Maybe my lack of identity is a contributor to my lack of assertiveness. I suppose its hard to make decisions when your never really sure how you feel. Perhaps my empathy for others is my greatest enemy?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Weekend Diving
It's about 12:30am as I write this in a tent next to my friend who is currently snoring in what appears be an effort to scare away any possible predators. Truth be told I don't know whether I could sleep anyway. I probably should be tired given my activity today but i'm just not.
This weekend I am camping / diving with my friend and my brother in law. It was about a 5 hour drive and the tempature was over 100 for most of the day. I am not typically very fond of being hot and it usually causes me to be frustrated and short. My friend and brother in law are both considerably larger than me by comparison. As such I know if i'm uncomfortable they must be miserable.
It was 104f when we arrived and my brother in law wanted to wait a while before trying to suit up for a dive. This was understandable, the water is cold enough below the thermalcline to require a drysuit or a 7 mm wetsuit. Either of which would cook you pretty quickly if you weren't quick to get into the water. While I understood the wisdom in postponing the dive I was baffled when instead my brother in law decided it would be a good time to assemble a three room tent in the sun. To make matters worse it seemed like everyone wanted manage and no one wanted to read the directions.
I could tell things were turning chaos and I decided to do something out of character for me. I took charge. I read the directions and started piecing the tent together whilr they argued. I can honestly say I wasn't mad, just frustrated with the lack of progress.
On a side note as I began writing this entry an alarm of some kind began to sound in the distance.
Monday, June 14, 2010
In less than 6 hours I will have 1/3 of the optimistic estimate for the male lifespan (I'll be 30). I'm not sure why 30 has always seemed such a significant age to me but it has seemed a milestone for as long as I can remember. I can't say that have any real regrets in life so far. That's not to say I haven't made mistakes, I have (Just ask my wife). I try not to regret my mistakes because I know that undoing them would change the person I am.
I am definitely feeling a little old and depressed. It's not looking back that bothers me, its looking forward. I knew what I wanted before this milestone and for the most part I am happy with what I have achieved. I have no similar aspirations for the next phase of my life. It's not that I feel I have achieved everything as much as I just don't know what to do. I attribute some of my angst to the stress of recent events.
I understand a little more about life in general than I did 15 years ago and that knowledge serves to temper my more irrational anxieties. Things will move forward and I have no choice but to move with them. All I can do is choose to fight the current or go with the flow. I have had many blessing thus far and I believe there will be many more to come. I must remind myself to take solace in this and the fact that in the end everything will be OK.
I am definitely feeling a little old and depressed. It's not looking back that bothers me, its looking forward. I knew what I wanted before this milestone and for the most part I am happy with what I have achieved. I have no similar aspirations for the next phase of my life. It's not that I feel I have achieved everything as much as I just don't know what to do. I attribute some of my angst to the stress of recent events.
I understand a little more about life in general than I did 15 years ago and that knowledge serves to temper my more irrational anxieties. Things will move forward and I have no choice but to move with them. All I can do is choose to fight the current or go with the flow. I have had many blessing thus far and I believe there will be many more to come. I must remind myself to take solace in this and the fact that in the end everything will be OK.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Champions Online
Sometime last week a friend of mine sent me a 10 day trial for Champions Online. My initial reaction to the game was definitely poor. For whatever reason the default graphic setup it chose was absolutely horrendous. From the character creation to the game play it just seemed poor quality for a nintendo game let along a PC game. After a conversation with my friend and some adjustments to the graphics settings the game came together a little better although still somewhat cartoony for my taste.
I enjoyed playing City of Heros so I was looking forward to giving Champions Online a shot. Honestly the game play was unimpressive. I could see many times what they were going for but it just seemed to fall short. You start out like most games in the Newbie Tutorial setting with your two powers. The problem is that the tutorial drags on and on as a series of quests. I must admit the quests are pretty well written and thought out. As you progress from quest to quest gaining experience you will gain levels. With levels you would sort of expect to get a new power every once in a while. The problem is you aren't allowed to get new powers until after you finish the tutorial.
The hours pass as you gain your first level, then your second, third, etc. In all I believe I was level 6 by the time I completed the tutorial. Finally as I emerged victorious from the newbie scenario I headed straight for the power training area. Any sense of accomplishment was immediately beaten to death upon my arrival and a quick chat with one of the power vendors. It seems that in my hours of questing and 6 levels I earned of the right kind of currency to get one power... Bite. Hours worth of play and thats it, Bite? Later powers in the line looked equally unimpressive and have expected to see Sniff Butt and Mark Territory somewhere in power tree. After speaking to my friend I guess I supposedly picked one of the more limiting power lines in the game. Silly me for not knowing which lines sucked.
Honestly though one of the greater joys in City of Heros had been the character creation process. I felt like they offered a lot of costume and character options as well some pretty interesting powers. The Champions Online character creation process just didn't excite me. The costume choices often felt very limited. It seemed like you could customize more things overall but the options for each choice were limited to the same slightly varied pieces. At the end of the creator I always felt like my character just looked stupid. Finally out of frustration and just wanting to play the game with my friend I punched the "Random" button until it generated something that didn't suggest my powers were good taste in clothing and a love of musicals....
Once I got into the game I was only there for a few moments before being unceremoniously booted. I had previously taken my computer apart and I was waiting (wrongly) for my wife to help me put it back together. (Space is limited and I have a hard time getting the cables to sit properly to close the case) To reference my post a few days ago, I realized its my PC and I should stop waiting for her help and just do it myself. With my PC back together and I think a few days left in my trial am debating whether or not to roll one more character and try to play with my friend. I just wish any of the powers or abilities offer interested me more...
I enjoyed playing City of Heros so I was looking forward to giving Champions Online a shot. Honestly the game play was unimpressive. I could see many times what they were going for but it just seemed to fall short. You start out like most games in the Newbie Tutorial setting with your two powers. The problem is that the tutorial drags on and on as a series of quests. I must admit the quests are pretty well written and thought out. As you progress from quest to quest gaining experience you will gain levels. With levels you would sort of expect to get a new power every once in a while. The problem is you aren't allowed to get new powers until after you finish the tutorial.
The hours pass as you gain your first level, then your second, third, etc. In all I believe I was level 6 by the time I completed the tutorial. Finally as I emerged victorious from the newbie scenario I headed straight for the power training area. Any sense of accomplishment was immediately beaten to death upon my arrival and a quick chat with one of the power vendors. It seems that in my hours of questing and 6 levels I earned of the right kind of currency to get one power... Bite. Hours worth of play and thats it, Bite? Later powers in the line looked equally unimpressive and have expected to see Sniff Butt and Mark Territory somewhere in power tree. After speaking to my friend I guess I supposedly picked one of the more limiting power lines in the game. Silly me for not knowing which lines sucked.
Honestly though one of the greater joys in City of Heros had been the character creation process. I felt like they offered a lot of costume and character options as well some pretty interesting powers. The Champions Online character creation process just didn't excite me. The costume choices often felt very limited. It seemed like you could customize more things overall but the options for each choice were limited to the same slightly varied pieces. At the end of the creator I always felt like my character just looked stupid. Finally out of frustration and just wanting to play the game with my friend I punched the "Random" button until it generated something that didn't suggest my powers were good taste in clothing and a love of musicals....
Once I got into the game I was only there for a few moments before being unceremoniously booted. I had previously taken my computer apart and I was waiting (wrongly) for my wife to help me put it back together. (Space is limited and I have a hard time getting the cables to sit properly to close the case) To reference my post a few days ago, I realized its my PC and I should stop waiting for her help and just do it myself. With my PC back together and I think a few days left in my trial am debating whether or not to roll one more character and try to play with my friend. I just wish any of the powers or abilities offer interested me more...
Yesterday after work I stopped by the Home Depot near me and picked up some things I have been meaning to get. I was looking for something to make a stage for my wife's photo studio when I came across some interlocking pieces of particle board. After some ideas on her part it looks like they may work nicely.
I spent most of the evening painting one of the doors in the basement. I had planned to get more done but I failed to realized just what a pain painting a door really is. I plan on doing the second coat tonight while hoping my previous experience will expedite the task a little. Sometime while I was painting the door my mood finally shifted and felt tired. The childish voice in my head was actively trying to rationalize taking a break to play a game. I had to smile at the argument that I need to take some time for myself to have a little fun now and then. I think I have the whole "taking some me time" covered pretty well, but it was a nice try.
Later on in the evening a chat with my neighbor proved a long enough distraction to derail any other plans for work that night. The conversation actually proved to be a nice segue into something more relaxing before bed. My wife decided it was too late for a movie so we played Mario Galaxy 2 instead. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to sleep for some reason and I took a sleep aid. I must say whenever I take a Unisom my dreams are so vivid and interesting. I suppose nothing comes without consequence though and I was especially slow to get up this morning for work.
I spent most of the evening painting one of the doors in the basement. I had planned to get more done but I failed to realized just what a pain painting a door really is. I plan on doing the second coat tonight while hoping my previous experience will expedite the task a little. Sometime while I was painting the door my mood finally shifted and felt tired. The childish voice in my head was actively trying to rationalize taking a break to play a game. I had to smile at the argument that I need to take some time for myself to have a little fun now and then. I think I have the whole "taking some me time" covered pretty well, but it was a nice try.
Later on in the evening a chat with my neighbor proved a long enough distraction to derail any other plans for work that night. The conversation actually proved to be a nice segue into something more relaxing before bed. My wife decided it was too late for a movie so we played Mario Galaxy 2 instead. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to sleep for some reason and I took a sleep aid. I must say whenever I take a Unisom my dreams are so vivid and interesting. I suppose nothing comes without consequence though and I was especially slow to get up this morning for work.
Energy
I feel like there is a dramatic disparity between my mental and physical energy. Mentally I often feel like I am channeling enough energy to create life out of sheer will. In contrast physically I feel sort of run down by comparison. I wish I could bring the two into alignment.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I would have to describe my mood as of late as introspective and "bummed". Sad seems too severe and depressed seems to dramatic of a descriptor. The weight of ones own failures is a heavy burden to bear when you gather them all at once. I am trying not to allow myself to wallow to long in my own self pity lest it become my next "excuse". I realize that the responsibility for my own success in any task ultimately lies with me. You can delegate tasks but the accountability will always be your own constant shadow. Understanding all of this is a small comfort however and I find myself childishly wishing that it wasn't so.
The past is written in stone that can not be washed away with regret. History is to be remembered that we might learn from it and not carried with us that it might weigh us down. Looking forward I feel overwhelmed and my mind tells me I'm tired before I have yet to take my first step. I'm not tired, I want to be tired, or at least believe I am, as though being tired were some valid appeal for reprieve.
I'm not tired, I'm selfish just like everyone else. I want what I want but I don't want to have to do all the work required to do it. "I don't know how", "I need help with this part", "I'm not comfortable with this thing". Irrelevant. No matter how you say it you're always saying the same thing: "I'd like an excuse for failure because I don't want to do whats required". The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves. I think I'm just mad because I've realized it for a while but I took comfort in it all the same.
The past is written in stone that can not be washed away with regret. History is to be remembered that we might learn from it and not carried with us that it might weigh us down. Looking forward I feel overwhelmed and my mind tells me I'm tired before I have yet to take my first step. I'm not tired, I want to be tired, or at least believe I am, as though being tired were some valid appeal for reprieve.
I'm not tired, I'm selfish just like everyone else. I want what I want but I don't want to have to do all the work required to do it. "I don't know how", "I need help with this part", "I'm not comfortable with this thing". Irrelevant. No matter how you say it you're always saying the same thing: "I'd like an excuse for failure because I don't want to do whats required". The biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves. I think I'm just mad because I've realized it for a while but I took comfort in it all the same.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Observations & The Meaning of Life
It has been said that human beings thrive on adversity, which I believe. That being said I believe the somewhat understated implication that lack of adversity breeds stagnation is also true. Its almost as if we need some opposition in order to be complete. It was while contemplating these thoughts that I discovered the true meaning of life. I know that many people have been searching for countless centuries but I have at last stumbled upon the one true answer. It was so simple and apparent that it was easily overlooked. Are you ready for this?
The meaning of life.... is to aspire to become more than you are.
That's it! That's the big secret. That is the simple meaning to our entire existence. I am currently accepting tokens of appreciation is the form of compliments as well as currency.
The meaning of life.... is to aspire to become more than you are.
That's it! That's the big secret. That is the simple meaning to our entire existence. I am currently accepting tokens of appreciation is the form of compliments as well as currency.
Monday, May 17, 2010
I had a good anniversary this weekend despite being sick. My symptoms seem to let enough at the right times for us to be able to enjoy some time together. We went to mass on Sunday but our lunch plans with my wife's parents were canceled due to an illness of their own. Overall I was somewhat relieved that the day was cut short as it allowed me some much needed rest.
I feel better today even though it is a wet and dreary day. I'm looking forward to a new episode of House tonight and spending some time cuddled up with my wife.
I feel better today even though it is a wet and dreary day. I'm looking forward to a new episode of House tonight and spending some time cuddled up with my wife.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
On fate and traffic
When I gave birth to the idea for this post I had a particular thought or idea I had planned to voice. Fate it seems had a different plan. The following is the train of thought as it left the station until it ultimately reached different destination. I will try to be as coherent as I can if for no other reason that my underlying conclusion might be preserved.
I was thinking about this post as a drove home from a particularly tedious day of work. My last three commutes to and from work have been terrible and this one was no different. I imagined this post as a rant about traffic, police, and the inequities of man in general. A month or so ago I was pulled over for speeding. To my ire I was pulled over for speeding while cars where blowing by me on the right hand side, but I was speeding none the less. I was very nice and polite to the officer as he took my information and handed me my speeding ticket.
The ticket itself bears mentioning because it is the catalyst of my story. A speeding ticket for those who have never had one is about $125.00. The price is a little high but not intolerable, but the cost doesn't stop there. When you get a ticket it can affect your insurance, raising your premiums for a period of years in some cases. I did the crime however and I have to pay the price, justice is justice after all, or is it. Many places offer what they call a deferral program now. If you agree to plead GUILTY and pay bribe... I mean fee the ticket will not show up on your record which means your insurance rates will not increase. The fee, $244.40.
With enough money you can make the problem "go away", but there is the catch. If you are given a ticket any time in the next two years you will then have to pay the price of your original ticket plus the new one, and both tickets will appear on your insurance increasing your premiums substantially. It feels more like a deal you would make with Fat Tony the mobster than with the government. Most of the time people will take the plea and the government prefers it that way. Twice the money for half the work and the prospect of a bonus later on.
Fear not, you have my word if you stay with me this post is not simple rant. For obvious reasons I have been obeying the speed limit. Because of this my commutes have been hell. Most drivers are irritated that I am not going faster and my adherence to the speed limit has caused a number of close calls from drivers expecting me to be traveling faster. My last few commutes have been particularly bad with drivers hanging from their windows screaming at me before pulling in front of me hitting the brakes hard. Today's drive was no different with the exception of gentleman that promised to find and kill me.
Needless to say it was a bitter drive. Doing the speed limit was making my life hell but I knew no excuse would matter if I were to speed up and get caught. So there I sat between a rock and hard place. The situation was unfair but if I sped up and got caught no one would care or even really want to hear about it. They might even agree that the situation was unfair but that is it. I thought about it as I drove and I decided people don't care unless it affects them. Even if the issue is one they agree with if it does not affect them at that moment they will not care enough to do anything about it.
I mentioned in my previous post that people don't angry enough any more and I as drove I continued to think about this again and again. I decided after a while that people were selfish and finally after some thought I arrived at what I decided was my underlying principal. It's a weird habit but after discussing or arguing something with myself I like to end the whole set of thoughts some short paraphrasing of my conclusion into a neat little statement or set of statements. My principal from this I decided was: Everything that matters only matters to you.
I was very pleased at myself for having packaged my conclusion so neatly. For a moment I'm sure features must have took on a smug grin. As I pulled into the drive I remember that the grass really need mowed. Every fiber of my being told me to forget it. It was a crappy day, I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to go in, write my blog entry and sulk for a bit. As I went into the house something in the back of my mind kept tugging at me, telling me to go out and mow the yard. At least mow the front yard and put weed control stuff on the back yard. Finally I gave into the nagging and changed my clothes.
As I started the mower and set to the task I found myself once again lost in my thoughts. I was still pleased but bitter at my conclusion. The entire conversation played through my head as I mowed the front yard, first the front and then on to the back. As I reaffirmed my conclusion my smugness returned and a voice in my head repeated, "Everything that matters only matters to you." "At that time", amended a second voice. "At that time", repeated the first.
I could hear the first voice surprised at the amendment, "Wait, what?". "At that time", said the first. It really only matters at that time even to that person. The first voice was listening but confused. The second voice continued, "Think about it, you said yourself you don't think most people really want to hear about the problem even if they agree with it." "You know this applies to you too, if someone told you a similar tale you would sympathize but not much more." "The fact is when the moment has passed this problem will bore you as though it were someone elses." After some thought the first voice concluded that the second voice was indeed correct and the principal was amended.
I was still left with my underlying conclusion, if anything the conversation had strengthened my case. People are so shallow they can scarcely care about even themselves. I continued to mow, this time the two voices reiterating the conversation, patting each other on the back and feeling generally smug for having puzzled through things so nicely. And so the principal was repeated, "Everything that matters, only matters to you, at that time" "Except those things that are timeless", amended a third voice.
The first two voices were confused, and so it was that the third voice began to elaborate. "There are things that transcend the moment." "There are somethings that people continually care about, things that will always matter. "Everything that matters only matters to you, at that time, unless its timeless." It was too clunky. And thus my mind gave way to a chorus of voices.
I had hit upon something profound I just had to fully realize it. Some things are timeless. What makes them timeless? They are the things that are truly important us. Things we love, honor, etc. These things transcend the moment. I had posted that people had lost their fire, that I had lost my fire. A voice said, "Perhaps you didn't loose your fire at all." "Maybe you just learned to save it for the things worth fighting for, the things that really matter." This day will come and go just like so many before it and so many yet to come. Almost nothing that happens today will hold any meaning that time will not wash away. The events of today are so small and easily forgotten they can scarcely be said to have happened.
Those things that endure are what really count. Waste not your passion for the moment, for it is fleeting and to quickly spent. Invest feeling in the things that will always matter. And it was with those thoughts, standing in my backyard looking up into the clouds that I knew a sense of peace. My breath came easy and my anger melted away. Nothing changed about my situation except me.
For the record yes my thoughts are usually represented voices. I figure as long as I don't name them I'm not schizophrenic... right?
I was thinking about this post as a drove home from a particularly tedious day of work. My last three commutes to and from work have been terrible and this one was no different. I imagined this post as a rant about traffic, police, and the inequities of man in general. A month or so ago I was pulled over for speeding. To my ire I was pulled over for speeding while cars where blowing by me on the right hand side, but I was speeding none the less. I was very nice and polite to the officer as he took my information and handed me my speeding ticket.
The ticket itself bears mentioning because it is the catalyst of my story. A speeding ticket for those who have never had one is about $125.00. The price is a little high but not intolerable, but the cost doesn't stop there. When you get a ticket it can affect your insurance, raising your premiums for a period of years in some cases. I did the crime however and I have to pay the price, justice is justice after all, or is it. Many places offer what they call a deferral program now. If you agree to plead GUILTY and pay bribe... I mean fee the ticket will not show up on your record which means your insurance rates will not increase. The fee, $244.40.
With enough money you can make the problem "go away", but there is the catch. If you are given a ticket any time in the next two years you will then have to pay the price of your original ticket plus the new one, and both tickets will appear on your insurance increasing your premiums substantially. It feels more like a deal you would make with Fat Tony the mobster than with the government. Most of the time people will take the plea and the government prefers it that way. Twice the money for half the work and the prospect of a bonus later on.
Fear not, you have my word if you stay with me this post is not simple rant. For obvious reasons I have been obeying the speed limit. Because of this my commutes have been hell. Most drivers are irritated that I am not going faster and my adherence to the speed limit has caused a number of close calls from drivers expecting me to be traveling faster. My last few commutes have been particularly bad with drivers hanging from their windows screaming at me before pulling in front of me hitting the brakes hard. Today's drive was no different with the exception of gentleman that promised to find and kill me.
Needless to say it was a bitter drive. Doing the speed limit was making my life hell but I knew no excuse would matter if I were to speed up and get caught. So there I sat between a rock and hard place. The situation was unfair but if I sped up and got caught no one would care or even really want to hear about it. They might even agree that the situation was unfair but that is it. I thought about it as I drove and I decided people don't care unless it affects them. Even if the issue is one they agree with if it does not affect them at that moment they will not care enough to do anything about it.
I mentioned in my previous post that people don't angry enough any more and I as drove I continued to think about this again and again. I decided after a while that people were selfish and finally after some thought I arrived at what I decided was my underlying principal. It's a weird habit but after discussing or arguing something with myself I like to end the whole set of thoughts some short paraphrasing of my conclusion into a neat little statement or set of statements. My principal from this I decided was: Everything that matters only matters to you.
I was very pleased at myself for having packaged my conclusion so neatly. For a moment I'm sure features must have took on a smug grin. As I pulled into the drive I remember that the grass really need mowed. Every fiber of my being told me to forget it. It was a crappy day, I didn't want to do it. I just wanted to go in, write my blog entry and sulk for a bit. As I went into the house something in the back of my mind kept tugging at me, telling me to go out and mow the yard. At least mow the front yard and put weed control stuff on the back yard. Finally I gave into the nagging and changed my clothes.
As I started the mower and set to the task I found myself once again lost in my thoughts. I was still pleased but bitter at my conclusion. The entire conversation played through my head as I mowed the front yard, first the front and then on to the back. As I reaffirmed my conclusion my smugness returned and a voice in my head repeated, "Everything that matters only matters to you." "At that time", amended a second voice. "At that time", repeated the first.
I could hear the first voice surprised at the amendment, "Wait, what?". "At that time", said the first. It really only matters at that time even to that person. The first voice was listening but confused. The second voice continued, "Think about it, you said yourself you don't think most people really want to hear about the problem even if they agree with it." "You know this applies to you too, if someone told you a similar tale you would sympathize but not much more." "The fact is when the moment has passed this problem will bore you as though it were someone elses." After some thought the first voice concluded that the second voice was indeed correct and the principal was amended.
I was still left with my underlying conclusion, if anything the conversation had strengthened my case. People are so shallow they can scarcely care about even themselves. I continued to mow, this time the two voices reiterating the conversation, patting each other on the back and feeling generally smug for having puzzled through things so nicely. And so the principal was repeated, "Everything that matters, only matters to you, at that time" "Except those things that are timeless", amended a third voice.
The first two voices were confused, and so it was that the third voice began to elaborate. "There are things that transcend the moment." "There are somethings that people continually care about, things that will always matter. "Everything that matters only matters to you, at that time, unless its timeless." It was too clunky. And thus my mind gave way to a chorus of voices.
I had hit upon something profound I just had to fully realize it. Some things are timeless. What makes them timeless? They are the things that are truly important us. Things we love, honor, etc. These things transcend the moment. I had posted that people had lost their fire, that I had lost my fire. A voice said, "Perhaps you didn't loose your fire at all." "Maybe you just learned to save it for the things worth fighting for, the things that really matter." This day will come and go just like so many before it and so many yet to come. Almost nothing that happens today will hold any meaning that time will not wash away. The events of today are so small and easily forgotten they can scarcely be said to have happened.
Those things that endure are what really count. Waste not your passion for the moment, for it is fleeting and to quickly spent. Invest feeling in the things that will always matter. And it was with those thoughts, standing in my backyard looking up into the clouds that I knew a sense of peace. My breath came easy and my anger melted away. Nothing changed about my situation except me.
For the record yes my thoughts are usually represented voices. I figure as long as I don't name them I'm not schizophrenic... right?
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Anger
Society doesn't seem to like anger, or angry people for that matter. There are countless ways in which life tries "help you" with anger. Curiously enough none of the solutions ever seem to involve correcting the thing you are angry about. That's external and it seems the only help that can be offered is to change you.
I was somewhat angry growing up. Anger was my sword, my shield, and my steed. Time seem determine to change my ways though and eventually talked from my mount. Life eventually convinced me to ease my grip on sword and shield, that the burden was to heavy to carry around. Finally after many miles I cast them aside and continued on.
The problem with all these "anger management" solutions is that they don't give you anything to replace what they took. Years later I find myself alone. Bereft of my horse I have no swiftness. Divested of my blade I have no means to charge forward to my goal. My shield no more than memory I stand naked without shelter from any attack. There is no fire left in my belly save for indigestion.
We aren't supposed to get angry anymore, we are supposed to find another way to deal with our feelings. We tell our children, "Theres no since getting mad about it.", but is isn't there? There are things in life that we should get mad about. You don't have to be OK with everything. We are not sheep! I know its not productive to simply be mad all the time, but damn it don't let them take you fire.
I was somewhat angry growing up. Anger was my sword, my shield, and my steed. Time seem determine to change my ways though and eventually talked from my mount. Life eventually convinced me to ease my grip on sword and shield, that the burden was to heavy to carry around. Finally after many miles I cast them aside and continued on.
The problem with all these "anger management" solutions is that they don't give you anything to replace what they took. Years later I find myself alone. Bereft of my horse I have no swiftness. Divested of my blade I have no means to charge forward to my goal. My shield no more than memory I stand naked without shelter from any attack. There is no fire left in my belly save for indigestion.
We aren't supposed to get angry anymore, we are supposed to find another way to deal with our feelings. We tell our children, "Theres no since getting mad about it.", but is isn't there? There are things in life that we should get mad about. You don't have to be OK with everything. We are not sheep! I know its not productive to simply be mad all the time, but damn it don't let them take you fire.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Every once in a while I think about changing my career to something more exciting. Contract killer for the mob for instance seems like an interesting career path. The pay is good, the hours are flexible, but I'm just not sure where you put in your application. Do you need a resume for that line of work? Do they check your references? (Ring, ring... "Hello?" Oh he answered hes not dead you big liar) Can you just claim to have killed random people or is prior work experience limited to human beings? For instance I've been told that I repeatidly butcher the english language, is that enough?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Dream revisited
Although it has been over a year now since I had this dream, the memory still lingers clearly in my minds eye. To my dismay and despite my efforts I have never again had a dream of this kind. It seems the closer I get to 30 the more often I hear those words spoken so clearly. I still have so many unaswered questions that quietly nag at me in the back of mind.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
So... I'm 30 years old but it seems even at this age Toll House Cookies are some mystical piece of knowledge that lies just beyond my comprehension.
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Bake Cookies for 9 to 11 minutes
3. Remove from oven and let cool
4. Eat
Sounds simple right? I think there is a magical missing step between 2 and 3 because somehow when I go to execute step 3 I find my cookies and doughy undercooked CRAP. So I go ahead and leave them in a few more minutes... still undercooked crap. So apparently there is a missing step 2a. Find and choke Tinkerbell to death and shake dead fairy dust in a clockwise circle around the oven while chanting "I want to wish you a Merry Xmas from the bottom of my heart!".
Or their stupid cookies just suck!
Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Bake Cookies for 9 to 11 minutes
3. Remove from oven and let cool
4. Eat
Sounds simple right? I think there is a magical missing step between 2 and 3 because somehow when I go to execute step 3 I find my cookies and doughy undercooked CRAP. So I go ahead and leave them in a few more minutes... still undercooked crap. So apparently there is a missing step 2a. Find and choke Tinkerbell to death and shake dead fairy dust in a clockwise circle around the oven while chanting "I want to wish you a Merry Xmas from the bottom of my heart!".
Or their stupid cookies just suck!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Almost 30
30, the number feels like a predator quietly waiting to pounce on me when I turn around to take a drink. If time is the fire in which we burn then 30 must be like that french fry that falls out in the oven and gets left behind, cooking over and over until it eventually resembles a piece of coal. I'll be 30, I'm married, I've had 2 houses, 1 failed business, and more jobs than I can count. Somehow I'm tired, but it feels more like 60 or 90 tired than 30 tired. Work is OK and stable but somewhat less than fulfilling at the moment. Each day seems to sort of blur into the next defined only by working or not working.
I've been feeling like this for a little while now. Part of me is starting to wonder if a lot of the way that I have been feeling for the last few months is tied closely to my current assignment. The environment if is very relaxed and although I have enjoyed it I am forced to consider if it is not too relaxed. I feel stagnate. I have no real tangible or realistic goals and very little direction. I suppose its every artists dream, but I am no artist. I feel like I thrive in more defined environments.
Its not that I am high maintenance or that I need micro managed. I am a "doer" and I excel at providing solutions to problems. I can even extend to helping to define the a problem so that I can then provide a solution, but this ability has its limits. I do not "dream the dream", I "build the dream" or even help "elaborate on the dream". I need more to go on than, "make something", or even the more popular, "make something like this". Perhaps this is my Achilles heel, I am easily overwhelmed when left to my own devices and a very loosely defined or vague set of goals. There are those that thrive in this landscape and are suited to defining this level of chaos. I am not one of them nor do I desire to be.
For a long time I have been saying that I am tired, but perhaps "weary" is a better word. I am comfortable, perhaps even complacent but I am also stagnate. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I just need to grab onto what little direction is here and run with it. Flesh out the details and the requirements on my own. My biggest obstacle would be myself. I just haven't wanted to.
I've been feeling like this for a little while now. Part of me is starting to wonder if a lot of the way that I have been feeling for the last few months is tied closely to my current assignment. The environment if is very relaxed and although I have enjoyed it I am forced to consider if it is not too relaxed. I feel stagnate. I have no real tangible or realistic goals and very little direction. I suppose its every artists dream, but I am no artist. I feel like I thrive in more defined environments.
Its not that I am high maintenance or that I need micro managed. I am a "doer" and I excel at providing solutions to problems. I can even extend to helping to define the a problem so that I can then provide a solution, but this ability has its limits. I do not "dream the dream", I "build the dream" or even help "elaborate on the dream". I need more to go on than, "make something", or even the more popular, "make something like this". Perhaps this is my Achilles heel, I am easily overwhelmed when left to my own devices and a very loosely defined or vague set of goals. There are those that thrive in this landscape and are suited to defining this level of chaos. I am not one of them nor do I desire to be.
For a long time I have been saying that I am tired, but perhaps "weary" is a better word. I am comfortable, perhaps even complacent but I am also stagnate. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I just need to grab onto what little direction is here and run with it. Flesh out the details and the requirements on my own. My biggest obstacle would be myself. I just haven't wanted to.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Project Fail
As I've mentioned previously I have been pretty excited about building a PC inside an old NES case. The intent was harmless but as with everything I seem to undertake the implementation seems mostly folly. Don't worry this is not intended as a "woe is me" entry. The concept has been done many times. Where I strayed from the norm was in the way it was done. Ever implementation I have seen seems to cut the case up and expose all the nifty little computer plugs. My goal however lofty was to keep the alterations to the outside of the case to a minimum.
The crux of the problem is that the bottom of the NES case contains a molded ridge in the shape of T that connects to the three sides of the case. This ridge stands a little less than 1/2 inch tall. Before I set out to do this project I did some homework. I measured the case very closely and compared the sizes of the parts I would order. On paper everything looked good but in practice things fell apart.
Everything fits without the processor fan on top of the heat sink. However without the fan in this position the processor generates too much heat. With the fan on top of the processor I can close the case with some effort but the fan cannot turn or pull air. I have tried every solution I can think of to no avail. In the end I believe I will need to cut out the T shaped ridge in the bottom of the case. In reality removing the ridge will not be that noticeable from the exterior of the case. The main reason I had been avoiding removing it had more to do with the difficulty of doing so correctly.
I don't think the frustration I am feeling is completely just about failing at this project. It's more that I feel like it's just the most recent in a long line of failed attempted projects. Sometimes I feel like every time I try to do something all it does is annoy those around me. In a way I involve others because it gives me some connection to them. It's something I can do with them. I suppose I should stop consider whether they really care to be involved in the first place. I think sometimes people think I can't do anything on my own so when I do have an idea for something new others look at it as just creating more work for them.
Perhaps I depend on people too much. Maybe I need to do more things on my own. Of course if my track record is any indication perhaps I should stop trying to do anything at all. If I can't do something completely on my own I shouldn't undertake it. I spend too much time thinking of stupid ideas. I think I will try to just "chill" for a while.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Damnable! I stand here on the precipice looking over at what I once was, fat. I thought foolishly I had rid myself of such demons. In my complacency I have given my pursuer the advantage. Now is not the time for lament! Now is the time for action, calorie burning action! I should immediately like to drop at least 8 but preferable 13 lbs. I fear if I reach that peak of 140 I may tumble down the wrong side of the mountain. If that happens so help me I will eat everything and everyone on the way down!
Hummus, I need Hummus an Flat bread Stat!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Nintendo PC
I finally got off my butt and ordered the parts I need to build my Nintendo PC project. The idea is simple; put a computer inside an old NES case. Although I have seen this done before I was never quite happy with the implementations I have seen. In almost every example the person will cut one or more holes in the exterior of the case itself. It would be my preference not to leave any distinguishing marks on the outside of the Nintendo at all!
As technology has advanced and parts have gotten smaller I have felt more and more that my goal was obtainable. As with any project though I have run into a few setbacks. I ordered a Slimline DVD R to fit in the case. The drive had to be SATA as per the requirements of the motherboard. Before I ordered the drive I checked the description to ensure that it would work. When the drive finally arrived I was dissapointed. The site does say the interface is SATA and technically I suppose it is. The drive however will not accept a standard SATA connection, it needs a special cable which of course it does not come with.
I spend the better part of the day going from computer store to computer store with no luck. I must admit a certain level of frustration not in my ability to locate the part I needed but in the caliber of people I was forced to interact with. Frys stands out as the worst. Personally I have never had much luck there anyway. Sure they have "everything" but no one there is helpful or ever seems to give a damn. This trip was no exception. Everyone I spoke to told me in the most condescending way that the part I seek does not even exist. One clerk went so far as to say he knows all the connectors and cables and that the drive could not possibly accept the connection I described. He then went on to tell me that it must be standard SATA and that I don't know how the plug works. Luckily I brought my phone with me so I pulled up 6 or 7 of the very close images I took of the drives and cables. At which point he told me with the some aire of confidence the drive was proprietary and that connector would only be available on the motherboard made specifically for it.
Despite pictures, Google, Amazon, and New Egg, place after place it was the same response: No such connector exists. I even found one place that sold the exact same drives I had purchased online, but again without any cables. If you don't know something then just say you don't know and don't waste my time. Most of the time I just didn't care enough to correct the ignorant statements, but that condescending tone never fails to make me want to punch someone in the mouth.
What a day, or week. Oh who am I kidding, what a month! It's not that things have been hectic. Quite the contrary actually. I think the problem is me. I feel "out of sorts" again. My sleep patterns are off again. My wife has drawn the correlation between my sleeping habits and the time I spend playing Star Trek Online (STO). I will not deny that there is a connection, however I really feel that she has the relationship reversed. My sleep has been off since before I was playing Star Trek Online and of the time I spend awake at night I don't spend nearly as much playing as she thinks.
Honestly if you subtract the game from the equation something else would just take its place. It's in the quiet hours of the night that my mind seems to be the most restless. Without distraction my mind just seems to wander aimlessly from subject to subject. Think of it like dreaming when you are awake. It doesn't sound so bad but the caveat is that it makes it incredibly hard to sleep. My brain just won't shut down. Many times the whole situation makes me chuckle. The harder I try not to think about anything, the more my mind jumps from subject to subject. Apparently thought is the arch nemesis of sleep.
Perhaps its my sleeping habits that are making everything else seem so blah during the day. I'm not tired in a way that I could sleep but I am for lack of a better word "thin" or "spent". My wife has suggested before that they weather plays a part and I believe her. It seems the gloomy days are affecting more than just myself. I'm not depressed myself but I can feel it in the air. The best thing about the low points is they signal high points in the future.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Science my ass
There are times when it seems to me that I am the only one who notices certain things. On a planet populated with over a billion people I find it hard to believe that I would be so unique. You find generic statements and claims made and repeated everywhere. People accept them as fact. To even question an established idea seems preposterous. After all why would you question what "everyone knows" is correct? The fact is I don't think "everyone knows" what everyone knows, as a matter of fact I don't think "everyone knows" a damn a thing.
I'll give you an example. In several places stated as an accepted fact you find this little gem: Sperm counts in men tend to be higher in the morning. What a fantastic statement! Lets dig a little deeper however and ask why, or perhaps well start with an even easier question and ask about how the results were arrived at. Why does it matter? I'll show you!
I'll assume for the moment that someone used the scientific method if indeed this was tested at all. So we will have to assume that several people were tested over a period of months or years, with samples given at different times. How many of the people had 9 to 5 jobs? Does the question seem irrelevant? Look deeper. If the majority of the people tested had normal 9 to 5 jobs or simply simply kept a 1st shift schedule then morning for these people is shortly after they get out of bed. If this is the case it might suggest that sleep is the influencing factor for increased sperm count and not in fact the time of day. However if subjects on a different schedule were tested shortly after they awoke without the same results then it might suggest that sleep is not a factor at all and in fact the sunlight may be a causal factor.
One simple statement seemingly tested and completely accepted without any real understanding of the factors behind it. I am often accused of being suspicious of things. I have been told I don't tend to believe things unless they are proved to me. To me however it seems a grievous folly to accept things at face value. If I accept something as fact on faith then I have to trust that the source of this information has been as diligent as I would have been and all to often they have not.
Question everything! "They" say a lot of things. "They" tell us what is true and false, what can and cannot be done. If you follow the herd you will always end up where the herd is going. Think for yourself and you may find the herd is following you!
Monday, February 1, 2010
January - A month in review
The first of 12 months flew by so heres a recap of what you might have missed.
1. I made a bunch of resolutions and realized two weeks into the new year that I suck at keeping them, so made some adjustments.
2. Star Trek Online, overall it seems to be a pretty good game.
3. I am a sugar addict.
4. Movies:
- District 9 - Great Movie, I strongly recommend it!
- Avatar - If you haven't seen it, see it. Its well worth it.
- Surrogates - It looked promising but I really felt like it failed to deliver.
- Fame - So so for a musical.
- Primer - I think its good, but it was a little hard to follow. Perhaps I was looking too hard.
- Skeleton Key - I was really surprised how good this film actually was.
- I can't remember what else I've watched.
5. I want to have a baby! Not me personally but you get the picture.
6. Jason sux!
7. My wife is pretty darn smart!
8. I got my friend hired on where I work.
9. Work has started to mellow out.
I can't think of anything significant off hand. I'm having a review later today though so wish me luck!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
IPad
Theres been a lot of hype lately about an Apple Tablet. They finally released the details of this new product yesterday. It is called the IPad. I have no idea what the marketing team was thinking when they named this. I was relieved to see the general population had the same thoughts I did when they heard the news. Nintendo had a hard time when they called their new console the Wii, but the name caught on and most of the grumbling went away.
I personally don't believe Apple will have the same luck as Nintendo. Twitter has been a buzz with names like the IMaxi and the IPeriod. Women seem to consider the name insensitive or disgusting. I can only begin to imagine the jokes the first time someone accidentally sits on one. Putting the name aside for a moment I watched a few of the videos to get a better of idea of what this new thing really is. A lot of people have been billing it as a tablet PC. It is definitely not.
The IPad is essentially a bigger IPod. The design is the same but larger and so is the OS. The device itself seems to offer no functionality that was not already available on the the IPod and in some cases even less. The videos constantly touch on "the best browsing experience" and "the best email experience". The problem is this is no more true than it was on the IPod. Yes you can read a newspaper online and surf basic sites. So can the IPod, and just like the IPod the IPad does NOT support Flash or Silverlight. Hopefully you weren't planning on visiting Facebook, Hulu, Netflix or any other non basic site.
The larger screen is nice to watch videos on until you remember that the only comfortable way to get those videos is from ITunes. You have a DVD you want to watch on your IPad / IPod? Sorry. You'll need to buy or rent it from ITunes or buy some extra software to try to Rip your DVD to a special Apple supported format. Another feature they have introduced is the new IBookstore. The feature itself is not specific to the IPad as much as it is ITunes. It will allow you to rent, buy, and read books. Weee...
From reading this you might think I'm not a fan of Apple's products. In reality I am. I really loved the IPod and I own a Nano and a Touch. The problem I keep running into the ways in which Apple wants to control the use. When thousands of people routinely buy your product and immediately seek a "hack" or "jailbreak" to unlock it so that it will do what they are wanting to do, you have a problem. I understand why they don't want to allow Flash or Silverlight. The fear is that this will cut into the App Store market share, but even though I understand this it doesn't make it any better. I'm still left holding a product that I essentially have to "break" to use the way I want to.
The biggest reason I support and favor the Android over the IPod is that I have more control and options both as a consumer and as a developer. If you ask an Apple Zealot about these issues the response will usually boil down to: "If Apple says it should work this way then it must be so. Question not the ways of the Apple and the prophet Jobs." Well that's what it seems like anyway. In the end the consumers will decide.
Star Trek Online
I've been looking at Star Trek Online recently with some friends of mine. Some time ago I promised a friend that when it came out I would play it with him. I have been playing the beta and found it to be interesting and enjoyable. It has its problems not unlike any other MMO, but many of them are being resolved or haven't seriously impacted game play.
I think my biggest gripe would be not having enough information about what things are or how things work. Some of this of course I attribute to beta, but with the game so close to the release date I assume the details of core principals of the game have been pretty firmly established. You have 3 classes, Science, Engineer, and Tactical. There are also three different types of ships, cruisers, escorts, and science vessels. Any class can pilot any type of ship but nothing really outlines what the advantages or disadvantages of the combinations are. I also don't feel like there is enough information on the skill trees and how they impact your character.
My initial issues centered around the handling of the ship. When start you are given a Cruiser class vessel. The ship is a decent starting ship but as a cruiser it doesn't give you quite the control I was hoping for. It wasn't until I tried piloting an Escort class ship that I felt pretty comfortable. I also tried out the Klingon ships. The handling of Klingon vessels far exceeds that of the Federation ships and you can really feel the difference in the game play. As I have come to understand this factor and its affect on the game I have come to appreciate it more.
I was disappointed that they did not implement cloaking on the Federation ships. With the changes in the storyline there is no good reason the cannon shouldn't support it. In the end I believe a lot of the anxiety around cloaking will depend on the interaction during game play. In general I had been leaning more toward the Federation but the superior handling of the Klingon ships and ability to cloak has caused me to seriously consider aligning myself with the Klingon's. I have always enjoyed speed and stealth over brute force.
It seems STO will also offer a Lifetime Subscription option a limited time. This option will cost $239.00 but it is a one time fee and you can play for as long as the game is around. At $14.99 a month it would take just over 2 years of play before you would come out ahead on your investment. The cost is a little steep but is it smarter in the long run. Not to mention the more serious question: How do I get a thumbs up from my wife?
Resolutions - progress so far
So far this year I feel like I've made practically no progress towards my goals / resolutions. I suppose I am cussing less than usual but I am sure I could make a better effort than I have been. Part of my problem has been that I am tired. It seems like I am more tired more often. My wife thinks it may have something to do with the sunlight. It seems like I don't sleep very well and I can barely get up in the morning. Where as I used to get up and go in the mornings I feel like its all I can do to drag myself out of bed and shuffle around for a few hours.
Perhaps I just need to give myself a kick in the pants. I have changed my diet recently. I am trying to really cut back on my sugar intake as well as increase the amount of water I drink. I don't drink very much in general and what I do drink is usually not water. I've started working out for at least a half hour every other day. My arms were already sore before a started so I've been trying not to life to much weight at once. I need to get all the gym equipment in order so I can actually do a real full workout again.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Valentines Day
I'm going to gripe for just a moment, but honestly please chime in if you don't agree 110%. V-day is still a ways off but I got a an email the other day with various offers. Before relegating it to the archive I decided to take a look. The site had a few things that caught my eye so I decided to look at a little more detail. The problem with almost single bouquet is that the description has been carefully crafted to not tell you what I would call pretty significant details.
When you buy flowers especially roses what are the first two questions that come to mind? (assuming you already know the price) How many roses are there? What kind of roses are they? Most of the selections will show you a pretty arrangement and never mention either of these details. When they do tell you how many the description reads similar to: from 15 to 33.
From 15 to 33?!? Excuse me but last time I checked they was a pretty significant difference between those two numbers. Is it $50 for 15 roses or $50 for 33? One of these deals is not like the other, one of these deals is bad! There is no other product that comes to mind that is sold in this manner. You wouldn't pay $5 for 15 to 33 doughnuts, or apples. To add a insult to injury the site offers two upgrade options; deluxe and premium. These two features add an extra $20 or $40 to your purchase. What are you getting for this extra dosh? The helpful link they provide for an explanation simply alludes that the order will contain higher quality flowers. Higher quality? What quality are the ones that the arrangement started with?
I suppose the lesson to be learned here is to avoid online flowers all together. If someone wants to sell you something without telling you exactly what you are getting they are trying to rip you off. Otherwise they would be upfront and make a point of telling you what a great value your getting. Find your local florist, tell them what you want or better yet what you expect for your money.
Just my 2 to 15 cents...
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