A lesson learned and bridges burned

The past few days have proved both stressful and insightful.  I've learned a lot about myself and other people.  Now that things seemed to have settled down I have more time to put my thoughts on the matter down.

Have you ever known someone that you just couldn't fully believe in anything they said?  Whenever they speak your left with the feeling that whether through omission or exaggeration you aren't quite getting the whole truth.  It so happens that my wife and I have just such a friend.  In addition to his allergy with the truth his stories tend to be grandiose over-productions that are clumsily laden with unintentional insults at the listener.  Over time you just understand it and accept that its a part of who he is.

Last week this particular person called me.  The call would not be extraordinary except that I can count on one hand the number of times he has called in the past 5 years.  I chuckled as he opened with an unintended insult, "Hey listen, normally you'd be the last person on earth I would ask for a favor but...".  He was in a bind and needed to borrow some money.  I agreed to try and help him and asked how much he needed.  Unfortunately he needed to borrow $500.00, and that is somewhat over the limit of what I can casually lend and I told him I would need to speak to my wife first.

Before I proceed the following are the facts what my wife and I knew at that point.  Little more than a month ago during a frustrated day at work he quit and walked out.  This is the same company that he fire from once before and cited that an internal conspiracy within the company would not allow him to file for unemployment. Having quit he was of course not eligible for benefits this time either.  His wife works a steady minimum wage job and they had recently cashed out her 401k savings from a previous company.  According to him they also had a plethora of savings on which to live for some time.

After a few weeks of sitting around he decided to take classes to become an insurance salesman.  In the same month while paying for classes and supplies he also made several large purchases.  An IMac, IPad, IPhone and other numerous toys were purchased all the while proclaiming savings were intact.  Indeed he had even had enough to play with buying and selling stock.  Now suddenly he has encountered a mysterious reversal of fortune in the span of one week?  Had he spent through all of their savings, the money from her retirement, the money in stocks already?  Perhaps more likely is that each pool of money was really one and the same.

I have never inquired into his financial stability because I honestly figure that it is none of my business.  I have a tendency to empathize with people and this time was no different.  After discussing it with my wife we both decided that $500 was more than we afford to lose.  Because we wanted to help we offered to loan him $200 or $500 if he had some collateral.  He was not interested in either option.  I honestly felt bad.  I really did want to help, but it felt too irresponsible to my own obligations to accept the risk.

Days later he called again to ask if I would co-sign on a loan for $2000.  Unfortunately we could not.  Again he repeated the urgency and importance of his need.  I once again offered to loan him some money with collateral but when I tried to speak to him he told me he was too busy doing his chores to speak of it today and we would have to speak tomorrow.  I must admit I was dumbstruck.  So urgent was his needs for funds that he wanted the money wired, and then when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it outright as though he has all the time in the world.

I was right there with that one action that I lost all empathy for his situation.  It occurred to me in that moment that he created his situation.  He was either embellishing his need for money, or he failed to fully understand the severity of his situation.  In either case it became clear to me.  I believe he has every intention of paying me back.  I do not however believe that he is capable of understanding his own situation in way appropriate to substantiate his belief.  He believes he can repay me simply because he wants it to be so.

The next day only confirmed my beliefs on the matter.  While he agreed to put up collateral it was under the condition that he be able to keep it.  In the event that he couldn't pay, "I could just come over and take what ever he wasn't using".  All the items of value belong to his wife and as such may not be used as he is solely responsible for resolving the situation on this own.  This was another clue that lending him money was a bad idea.  There is no solidarity at home, she has been removed from all responsibility for what will soon become consequences that impact both of them.

Both my wife and I feared that these events would damage or end our friendship and for the most part we were right.  They see us as greedy and untrusting.  In a sense their situation has become our fault.  If WE had been willing to loan THEM money we "obviously" had they wouldn't be in a bad situation.  In all honestly the blame doesn't bother me.  It's hard sometimes when your in the middle of a bad situation of your own design to stop and accept responsibility.  I think we instinctively look for someone to blame and take the responsibility out of our own hands.

I tried to explain why I couldn't just loan him the money outright.  In the end I have to be accountable to my own family.  If I loan him the money and he fails to repay it, we will suffer the consequences.  If that happens I can't simply blame him for not paying me back.  The responsibility of my decisions stays with me.  As I feared my explanation fell on deaf ears.  Although we may have burned a bridge it has taught me not to base my decisions on my empathy.