New Years Resolutions 2009

So I suppose its time for the obligatory New Years Resolutions Post. Here it goes... Blogging etc... This year I am going to try Blog more often and make better use of the technology available to me to organize things. I am going to try integrating google calendar and other services into my everyday life. I suppose in general I could use some organization this year. Money Last year we did pretty well financially. We met the majority of our goals including drastically reducing our debt obligations and increasing our savings. This year I would like to increase our investment contributions. I would like to contribute a minimum of $2000.00 to each of Roth IRA accounts this year and increase our general account by two to three thousand. I would like to finish paying off my car this year. It appears we may soon be in the market for another vehicle. I would like to have money to put down and a short term loan for any additional needed financing. As we have no real outstanding credit card debt I would like to continue that into 2009. Although we did well this year in all honesty we could have done better. Looking back I realize there are times we spent money rather frivolously. I would like to cut back on eating out and possibly reign in some of the expenses that seem to nickle and dime us to death. Business 2008 was an intersting year for AMI. Early in the year I almost dissolved it, however this year will be the most profitable yet. The problem is I really haven't put enough effort into it, 2 years into it and I have yet to give out a business card or make a company website. I've squandered a lot of opportunities this past year. This year I will get the company finances in order and get the company on track or I will dissolve it once and for all. Work I am rather pleased with 2008 as far as work has gone. In previous years I spent too much time working or at work. Last year however my work hours trailed off into the realm of normal. Though I fear I may have grown too fond of the somewhat lackadasical pace, it has taught me a lesson about slowing down that I hope I take with me into the next year. Friends I have been distant from friends and somewhat of a homebody last year. I still need to work on keeping friendships open. Overall I need to improve my communication in this area. Family I didn't see as much of my family as I should have in 2008. Although I lament this fact, I know that I have only myself to blame. Time once passed can never be reclaimed. This year I need to try and see my relatives more often. Marriage We have had our ups and downs but overall I thought 2008 was pretty good. I think perhaps a goal for 2009 will be to spend more quality time together doing things (activities). Additionally we are talking about planning for a family this year! In general I've learned or realized a few things in 2008 that I can hopefully apply to 2009. In general I think I need to watch my sarcasm in regard to its frequency and my audience. I am going to try and watch my cussing this year and try keep my attitude more outwardly positive. I am going to try and be quieter in general this year. Right or wrong, good or bad, not everyone cares what I have to say. Thats just the way of it. I need to resist the urge to interject my opinion regardless of whether its needed or not. To the same end I'm going to try and my words count more when I do speak. I was still pretty passive aggressive in 2008 but this trend started to give towards the end of the year. I would like to be more direct instead of taking the passive aggressive approach. If I'm not willing to do something about an issue then I need to just be quiet about it until I am. Anything else is either whiny or just trying to acheive the result without addressing the problem. Basically if it real bothers me then say something, otherwise Shut Up! I need to do more things myself and by extension take more responsiblity for things. If I need something I should get it. If I don't know something I should learn it. I will try to stop filling my own voids by assigning to other people. In the end if I want it, its ultimately my responsibility.

Papa Murphys

A few days ago we had my wife's sister, her husband, and daughter over to play some games and check out the Nintendo Wii. They brought with them a pizza from Papa Murphys. I like pizza in general and I'm not very picky as far as toppings. I generally dislike only single topping pizzas but thats about it. They brought with them on this occasion however a single topping pepperoni. At first I wasn't sure that it would be enough so I went ahead and fixed frozen pizza we had as well. The Papa Murphys pizza was fantastic! I was really impressed and this was only a single topping pizza. So today we decided to get pizza again and this time we decided to try Papa Murphy's ourselves. We got a large half supreme half pepperoni and black olives. The pizza was again fantastic, just the way I would make one myself and there is plenty left over. So if I you haven't tried it I definitely recommend it. Just a note they don't cook the pizzas, they are take and bake.

Asus Our story begins

Well I went to the website a few days ago and submitted a support ticket. In it I outlined my 3 key issues. Yesterday I received the following email with my ticket attached at the bottom. Dear valued customers, you could the send in the machine to have it serviced for inspection, you could contact our service department for more information. Sincerely, Edward PerezNotebook Technical SupportASUS ACI. I have to be honest the grammar and punctuation didn't give me a warm and fuzzy and kind of played into some of my fears, but I decided to look past that and call the number. A positive attitude is said to bring positive results. Today I called the number and outlined the same issues. I have to say the gentleman I spoke to was very polite and agreed that I would need to send the machine in. He gave me service number and followed up with two emails regarding shipping information. The conversation helped to renew my confidence and I am generally feeling better about the situation. Tomorrow is a holiday so I believe the earliest I will be able to ship the laptop will be January 2nd. I'll keep you posted.

Asus The Saga Begins

Around May of 2008 I purchased 2 Asus M50Sa laptops. One for me, and one for my wife. Overall they are nice machines, and we chose them because the hardware was "beefy" enough to meet the demands of both our work and play. Aside from some minor problems they weren't too bad. However shortly after receiving them my laptop screen began to squeak. I don't mean your little random *squeak squeak*, its more of "plasticy" creaking sound that is triggered by even the slightest movement. Aside from being extremely annoying its made using the microphone very difficult as it attached to the LCD and each creak gets picked up. The other issue I have had has been with what I believe is overheating. The laptop simply freezes randomly or even worse it will often times just suddenly completely power off. At first I thought it was software or games that were causing the issue but as time went on it would often happen after a fresh restart and with only an IE window open. I have noticed that efforts to lower the temperature often lead to extended time between these incidents but they still happen much too frequently. Overall I'm really kind of bummed. I really wanted this computer to work out. However both machines came with with a 2 year warranty as well as 1 year accident warranty. In a perfect world all I should have to do is submit a ticket or call the number, send the machine in and everything will be fixed and sent back, and that's still a possibility. To be fair I have no idea how this process will go, but I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook and hope for the best. Additionally I'm going to track everything I do concerning the matter on my blog. Hopefully everything will go really well and I will have a shining example of what great customer service they provide and walk away with an overall "warm and fuzzy" about my buying decision. Hopefully! -stay tuned-

Can't Sleep, Clown will eat me!

At least that's what it feels like. I've been up all night so far and I am now well into the next morning. I'm not sure why I couldn't sleep, perhaps its just general anxieties getting the best of me... or maybe I'm having a traumatic psychotic episode that will cause me to break with reality and go on a rampage pumping round after round into people and animals alike!!! Nah, probably just anxiety, probably!

ITunes App Store

I love the possibilities that are available with Apples new introduction of Apps for the IPhone and Ipod Touch. I am however constantly dissappointed in how people choose to explore those possibilities. For example: Of the Top Paid Apps (Apps that cost money to buy) all of them are under either the Games or Entertainment category. What is the current Top Paid App you ask? IFart Mobile - Fart Machine. Sad, is the only word that comes to mind. Sad that people actually pay for an application to make fart noises. Sad that its the most popular app. Sad that apparently from the review its not very good but people keep buying. Sad that there are in depth commentaries and advice on how to improve such things as juicieness. I love humor and novelty so don't me some random prude. I'm just dissappointed that this is the form of choice for expressing human creativity. Unlimited potential for the development of better sounding farts... :(

Props to Apple

So as I said in a previous post, my wife got me an Ipod Touch for x-mas. While visiting relatives for x-mas dinner I was enlightened to a few more of its growing capabilities. I was particularly impressed with its ability to make voip calls. Not the choppy computer to computer chat of the 90's but real phone calls. To enable this and some other features I wanted to get a few things from the Apple store. So the day after x-mas, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, that's exactly what we did. The mall the store was located in was packed as was the Apple store itself. There were literally people everywhere. Even with all the people and commotion I was able to enter the store and find exactly what I want and even ask questions very easily. What really impressed was when I went to pay for my items. I was approached by an associate who asked if I was wanting to check out and if I was paying by credit. The answer being affirmative to both items he offered to ring me up right there in the middle of the store! He then pulled a small Point of Sale device from his belt, scanned my items, swiped my card, and asked if I wanted my receipt emailed to me. That was it, all done. The experience as a whole goes against what we believe are the established guidelines, it should feel wrong but it doesn't. You start to wonder why you've ever accepted anything less. In any case Kudos to Apple, I have to give credit where credit is due. Apple catches my eye with increasing frequency. I am however a Microsoft .Net Developer by trade so I suppose there are limits to how far the trends can mesh.

Christmas 2008

So, another x-mas come and gone. The trend seems to be a traditional "lewt" listing so I'll follow the herd... somewhat.

Ipod Touch

My wife got me this, and let me just say it was completely unexpected. Oh I had yammered on about one some months ago, but I didn't really think I would get one as it was a little outside our preset x-mas budget this year. I guess the receipt for it had been right under my nose for day but I just never noticed. The gift is awesome and the surprise was fantastic.

Fleece Blanket

Quesdilla Make

Clothes, etc

My mother got us this really neat, very soft, king sized fleece blanket for our bed. When you first see it its all folded up and held together with a strap, and from the look it wouldn't appear to cover a king sized bed. When I unfolded it however it was voluminous. Rather slyly my mother had also tucked some money into the blanket which rained down as I opened it.

At first glance you might not think a Quesdilla Maker is anything that spiffy, but I think it really neat. It so happens I am a big fan of Quesdillas and I am really hoping I will be able to use this to replicate some of the restaurant items I like.

Clothes are somewhat a dangerous item to buy for me as of late. My weight has fluctuated greatly over the year. Even after it reached equilibrium I seemed to slowly loose inches. To give you an idea I have gone from XL shirts to small and my waist has gone from 38 to 28. In any case the clothes seem to fit and they are my style so I was very happy.

Cordless Drill

Tools

My father and stepmother got us a DeWalt Cordless Drill and an assortment of tools. My last cordless drill somehow got a bit stuck in the end of it, and in an attempt to remove it Dad kind of disassembled it into the great beyond. I think he felt kind of bad, though it wasn't a big deal. The drill and tools will be great as I am working on a few projects here at home including finishing my basement.

Picture

Money

My wife's parents got us a set of pictures of them in a very nice frame and some money. The picture is really nice as we do not currently have one hanging of them.

Crucifix

My brother in law got us a very nice wooden crucifix from Israel.

Looking back it seems like a lot of money was spent on us this year. Sometimes I feel a little bad however as I know I didn't spend as much on everyone else. Its not that I'm stingy or anything, we just really didn't have it to spend. Were not destitute or anything we just know our limits.

Test

This is a test.

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Food Journal - Day 1

12/01/2008 Breakfast:

• 2 pieces Cinnamon Raisin Bread with low fat butter and cinnamon sugar
• 1 glass Orange Juice
• 1 Really Really Big Sugar Free Red Bull
• 1 Milkyway midnight (sorry)
• 1/4 can diet coke

I intended to just have the cinnamon raisin bread and orange juice but I was so dead to the world that after dropping my wife off I stopped by the gas station to get something else.

Lunch:

• Half of a diet coke
• Spicy Chicken sandwich and some fries

Dinner:

• 8 Chicken McNuggets or Nicken ChickMuggets as I call them... don't ask
• Some fries

I'm definitely off to a healthy start... NOT.

Ho Ho Oh

So the holidays are back. In years past I have been rather bah humbug about the whole event, but this year I resolved be more in spirit. I think its partially because despite current events I feel more Christmas-y this year. I will admit I have no idea what to get my wife though. Well that's not entirely true, I have ideas but nothing that really "wows" me. The holiday season seems to be exacting a price for my good spirits. An abundance of food is a hallmark of this time of year and indulgence is an unwritten rite of passage. While I'm not really putting on weight I have been feeling worse. As I've gotten older my stomach and associated organs have become decidedly less tolerant. The list of foods that don't bring me pysical pain after consumption seems to be shrinking steadily. Greasy foods have been out for a while but now I am suspecting dairy might also be a culprit. It doesn't seem right to me though I can just never ever eat certain foods again without enduring painful consequences. In light of recent events I'm going to keep a food journal in an effort to figure out what I am eating and how it correlates to my symptoms. I am fast approaching the point where if the doctor told me he could remove something (like my gual bladder) and I would be able to eat a piece of sausage again, I'd say to hell with it and just have it removed. I hate hospitals but darn it I want to be able to eat normal things again.

Observation

Over the past few days I have had a rather interesting and complex set of work / development related challenges. I know that I revel in midst of the challenge but I have also made some observations this time around. The overall challenge is broken up into several sets of complex little conundrums. Each tiny victory or discovery is rewarding with its own fleeting moments of intense feelings of accomplishment. I sleep much less during these periods and I eat less frequently and more sporadically. It's not intention as much as I am just not as hungry and my mind has trouble shutting off to let me sleep. Additionally my sex drive seems to decrease during these periods. Day to day conversations seem annoying or distracting. I normally take "smoke breaks" with a coworker although I do not smoke myself. When I am feeling like this however even the notion of his company seems more of a distraction than anything else. My concept of time seems more troubled than normal as well. I have noticed little things such as having to pee and thinking to myself, "in just a moment, let me just finish this part" only to find that hours have passed and I about to pee down my own leg. It seems like I look at the computer and when I glance up hours have passed. I would surmise that I was having a "manic" type of episode during these periods, but I am particularly giddy or bouncing off the walls. Loss of appetite and sleep would allude to depression but I don't feel sad or upset. Overall I just feel very focused. I am reminded of the character Sherlock Holmes, an savant of sorts when faced with a problem only come down when they are solved. I will most likely post more observations from time to time.

I do what I do

I am software engineer by trade and by choice. Sometimes I forget that not everyone wanted to be in the line of work they are in. Because I enjoy what I am do I am infinitely interested in it both inside and outside of work. My particular area of focus has always been architecture. I like putting together the little pieces but I cherish tackling the more complex decisions and planning involved in software architecture. While I respect that not everyone likes what they are doing, I tire of working with people that just "go through the motions". Maybe it sounds a little corny in this day and age but at the end of the day I want to be proud of what I do. I want to know that did best I could on each project. Often times I reflect back and see the areas in which I have improved or that could use improvement. I do not lament that past projects were not done better because I know that I did the best I could for that project with the knowledge and skills I possessed at the time. I've been at this career now for about 11 years. In the beginning many aspects of my youth hampered my creditability. After all its hard for a company to bill you out as a Senior level at the age of 25. When you add Senior to your title people expect you to look more the part. In the beginning I was more than likely a little full of myself, but time, experience, and persistence helped me overcome initial perceptions and create my own. Often times I know that my earnest interest in my trade and in advancing my knowledge has made some coworkers defensive. I have learned to worry less about the ridicule and focus more on doing what is right at the time. In the past I have taken a more timid approach to confrontations, simply backing down from a stance to avoid a conflict. Within this past year or two however I have really focused accepting opposing arguments without backing down from my own position. I really believe that this change has paid off. When I have been proven wrong I have learned from that proof and more than often when I am right it is more recognized because I stood by my view.

The appletree

They say, "The apple never falls far from the tree". I have oft amended this statement with the qualifier, "unless its planted on a hill". I am recently haunted comments from my father than I am "more and more like him everyday". While I am sure this is a phrase every child disdains, I have more definitive reasons for my alarm. My father is Bipolar. Growing up my father was an emotional roller coaster. Prone to outbursts of anger and energy as well as crying and depression. I have always had an uneasiness when he is about. There was always an uncomfortable anxiety and a constant sense of alertness. As if the "fight or flight" instinct was in full swing. I have little or no ill will about the past. After all it is the past and everyone has their childhood stories. It was only in later years as certain behaviors have become less and less publicly acceptable and the strain began to wear his relationships too thin that he began to seek treatment and diagnosis. It was only some years ago I received the penance of the confirmation that I was indeed not crazy, as I had been told for so long and that he in fact did have a problem. It is in this stage of his life I feel the most pity. He has been lost for so long and is just now understanding things about himself and about life that I understood some time ago. Many times he comes to me for answers and I have none give. He sees and feels the same problems I feel, and he has the same questions and feelings I have. I never found any real answers, I just found a way to deal not having them. I find myself saying things that remind me of him, things I know he would say. I find myself wondering if he is getting better or if I am getting worse? I wonder if or how I will change as time presses on. Not long ago a psychologist told me that she believes I have cyclothymic disorder. I have read about it with caution. I believe people have a tendency to see in themselves things that are not necessarily there. Bending either themselves or the symptoms to better align. With that in mind however I am not unconvinced of the possibility, although I believe my wife may be. A scary thought occurred to me today related to all of this. In one article, the smallest sentence made as a footnote or an afterthought read: "Genetic counseling, which assists a couple in understanding their risk of producing a child with the disorder, may be of some help. " I hadn't really considered the fact that I may in fact pass to my offspring the very sames challenges I face, or perhaps something more or less severe. I have always expressed a desire for children and I can't imagine not reproducing on the basis of what might be, but I have to wonder at my guilt should I pass to those that bear my legacy that which tears at its previous generations.

Lies tell me lies

Everyone lies. I am not so naive to believe that even I am above this most basic of human traits. I will say that I try very hard not to lie to myself. I have always been of the opinion that people who can successfully lie to themselves are the most dangerous. I don't believe that most people set out to do evil things, but I do believe that people are capable of evil things. I would conjecture that good people that do evil things often do so because they have successfully lied to themselves. All that aside though I expect a certain amount of lying from everyone. There are a breed of people however that just seem to get under my skin in general. The perpetual liar. People who's drive to lie seems to be so over stimulated that it bleeds into every word that tumbles past their lips. I have a number of theories as to why, but none of them seem to detract from my irritation. Sometimes I wonder though why it seems that the perpetual liar never seems to get better at it. "Practice makes perfect", doesn't seem to apply in this case as most of the lies are as transparent as a 5 year olds version of "how the lamp got broken". Its odd in a way really in that listening to it actually makes me tired. Not sleepy mind you but it seems like a single sentence from this type of person just weighs on me from the moment its heard. I find myself irritable not so much at being lied to but at the feeling it invokes. In any case I've said my piece on the matter. I just wish it helped me to get over it.

MMO Woe's

From the very beginning I was never a fan of MMORPGs. I always had a hard time getting my mind around buying something and then paying to play with it. I enjoyed playing Major Mud (an old text based BBS game) but that was about it. Then one day after months of suggestions a friend let me play Everquest on his account. It was rough honestly, this was early Everquest without updated graphics and in game tutorials that are now standard in MMOs. It didn't matter, I was intrigued. The very next day I went out and bought a copy. I have played the game pretty regularly ever since that day some 10 years ago. My wife also plays with me. Thankfully my interest seemed to stop at Everquest. By this time Ultima Online was on its way out and Asherons Call seems like an Amway scam to me. As the years past lots of new MMOs sprung up. Anarchy Online, Dark Age of Camelot, Shadowbane, the list goes on and on. They would launch with lots of buzz and hype and then fade into nothingness within months. I didn't even bother to try most of them. I have friends that have played several different MMOs. Sometimes all at once. I always found myself thinking I could never do that. Most games are around $50.00 and the average upkeep cost is $15.00. After more than a few subscriptions that adds up, as such I said to myself "One at a time". Within the past year however I find myself in violation of this creed. It started small. After 8 or 9 years of Everquest I decided to buy a second account. Then several members of my old guild contacted to me. They no longer played Everquest, they had moved on to Everquest 2. After some prodding I found myself playing that too. Sony has a deal that allows you to play all of their games for one price so I was somewhat able to justify making the leap. I have been avoiding the new games, Conan for instance looked promising but I was glad I stayed away. Then came Warhammer Online. I decided I would try something new and perhaps I was caught up in that "new game smell". I like the game quite a bit and I play it pretty regularly now. Then World of Warcraft launched a special promotion and I found myself signed up for it as well. I've never been a fan of WoW really but it gave me a chance to play with some of my other friends. It was only a week or so ago when I got an email about my City of Heros account ( we had only a brief tryst ) that it dawned on me that I was exactly where I said I couldn't picture myself being. I have 2 Everquest subscriptions, 1 Everquest 2 subscription, 1 Warhammer and 1 Wow subscription. That's 5 recurring MMO subscriptions at $15.99 a month. Almost $80.00 a month, when you say it like that it really starts to sink in. Realization is half the battle, now is the time for action. I think some of the impact can be mitigated simply only renewing the subscription when I am really actively playing the game. The next step is figure out which ones I'm going to drop. I don't want to drop Everquest yet. I am rather embarrassed to say that in 10 or so years of playing I've never reach max level with any character. My wife and I made similar vows that we would play at least until we reach max level with a character. Somehow to do less seems like a waste of all that time. Until then I think I may go ahead and let my Everquest 2 and WoW accounts lapse. 2 MMOs doesn't seem that bad to me at this point. Perhaps once we reach our goal in EQ I will reevaluate the situation and go from there.

Made for television... NOT!

Last night marked the first episode of a new made for television series based on the works of author Terry Goodkind. I had been looking forwarding to watching the series for a while now. Having seen various television and movie adaptions of novels in the past I had already prepared myself for the numerous deviations from the book, or so I thought. I do not believe any amount of preparation could have properly braced me for the nightmare I witnessed. I understand not being able to follow the book exactly. I understand dropping, changing, or merging scenes in the interest of time. All of this taken under consideration the series bears not resemblance to the books other than the title and some of the characters names. It ceases to be an adaptation when even the fundamentals of the story have been changed. The foundation of the story and its characters are so different with a quick change of names you could write a brand new book (albeit a bad one) from the screenplay. Imagine if you will making a movie about brain eating zombies from outer space that infect and destroy mankind. Set it on the 4th of July, name you characters Scrooge, Cratchet, and Tiny Tim and then title A Christmas Carol. That's the gravity of the injustice in my opinion. I met Terry Goodkind once, and its hard to believe he could have seen this and said, "Yeah that's pretty close alright, produce it!". He really seemed to believe in his writing and lamented that the perception of Science Fiction as a genre seemed to stereotype and downplay what would otherwise be a fantastic work. I suppose its not my place to question his motives and reasons. After all it is his intellectual property to do with as he pleases. It just saddens me that he chose to lend his name to something so far from his own creation. Overall I guess I'm just disappointed.

Halloween Creepy Doll

This is a cute video I like. It seems particularly appropriate for Halloween. If you have a few moments the author has a number of pretty good videos. Creepy Doll And I almost forgot another old favorite Eat your Brains Happy Halloween!

Work work work...

I'm actually feeling pretty good about work lately. I'm a software developer by trade and the past week has been a steady series of victories for me. I've managed to get implemented some changes I have been pushing for on our Sharepoint Portals. The net effect of the changes is a decrease in overall page size by approximately 85k. That's just shy of cutting it in half. Next months bandwidth usage will ultimately determine the value of the success but either way its help to establish a small standard here in the way things are done. I enjoy creating ideas that have value beyond a single implementation. A better way to create a news feature on one site is great but creating the foundation for a reusable news feature that can be easily deployed across multiple sites are the types of things that really drive me. Give me a challenge beyond "make a widget". Anyone can make a widget, why not make a widget maker! I've noticed I am in an overall better mood when I have good challenge tackle. I think my room for improvement lies in staying focused on the rest of the delivery once the more interesting parts have been completed. This is one of the reasons I enjoy software architecture so much. The fulfillment lies within the challenge. Challenge fathers my creativity and my thinking, and I love to think.

Halloween

So its Halloween again. Our plans kind of deteriorated at the last moment so we find ourselves at home this year. Not to say this is a bad thing actually. I like spending time together. My teeth still hurt so I doubt I'll be gourging on candy anytime soon. I seem to finding an increasing number of little amalgam flakes coming off of my fillings. I've got a followup on Monday though so I will get to the bottom of it then. I'm hoping to have a little fun at home this weekend. I thought about having family over but I think I'd almost prefer to just spend time with the wife. Maybe play a few video games. I've been playing Warhammer Online lately and I've been trying to talk the wife into playing as well. I've almost been retrying World of Warcraft. I just never really liked that game. To be fair I really sure login to Everquest 1 and 2 as swore I wouldn't leave Everquest until I got one character to max level. My wife made the same vow and yet somehow we have still not yet acheived this. In other news, there is no other news :)

The frustration...

I'm going to share something with you. I have ADHD. Not the fun trendy every kid that doesn't behave must have ADHD, the real one. The reality is its not fun. Unlike some the problem has followed me into adulthood. As a child I loathed taking medicine of any kind, especially anything that was going to change the way I felt. Even into adulthood I have maintained much of my reluctance to rely on medicines. It was only within the past few years that fully began to see and understand the impact it was having not only on my work but my personal life. It was after some problems and a continued period of simply not being able to focus that I considered perhaps things could indeed be better. I spoke to my doctor and his first suggestion was Strattera, mainly because it was a non narcotic. Strattera kind of worked. Everyone else thought I was depressed but outwardly I was calmer. The problem was it had some very nasty side effects. At first I didn't say anything because I wanted to try and give it some time but after a while it became clear I would have to talk to the doctor. After Strattera he prescribed Adderall. Adderall really worked, it made a different kind of impact than Strattera. Adderall is a narcotic though so getting a prescription means a going to the Dr.'s office each month to pick it up. All was going well for me, I had been taking medicine for almost a year. Then one day I get a letter in the mail. My doctor an all the doctors in his group will no longer be prescribing my medication or maintenance pain medication. I called the office to better understand what this meant to me and what my options were. The options I was given was basically a list of Psychologists you can schedule an appointment with. Out of the list of about 10 I was able to find two that would actually take a new client and prescribe medication. The new problem? Neither of them had an appointment available for months on end. I only had so many pills so I inquired what I was supposed to do until then? The responses all boiled down to "Your pretty much screwed then huh." No one would prescribe the medicine without seeing me first to access if I needed it or not. No one seemed to care that there were side effects associated with starting and stopping the medication. I had to make do and I did the best I could. No it wasn't the end of the world or anything but yes it was frustrating and yes it had an impact. So then I meet with a psychologist and I have to admit internally I was offended as she looked at me and asked me all kinds of questions. Its not that mind answering them. I don't. It was that she was attempting to decide whether or not I should have the medicine I have been on for a year or not. She was deciding whether I should have it, something else, or perhaps nothing at all. Even though the determination had already been made that I had ADHD, and a medicine had already been prescribed and was working well. She would make this single determination. In the end I was able to get the prescription again. This time though with an added stipulation. Now I needed to see her for 15 minutes each month to get the next prescription. Not because she could determine so much in 15 minutes, its because then you can bill an office call with all the associated charges. It was a sham but it was the apparent "song and dance" I would have to do. So that is what I have done for many months now, close to a year. A few days ago I get a letter in the mail. My psychologist is no longer practicing, sorry. So I call up the office to find out what I need to do now. Since she has left they have divided her case load. A nurse practitioner that can write scripts and a psychologist are seeing her patients until they find a replacement. What does this mean? Well in order to get my next prescription I need to see the nurse practitioner. Oh but wait she doesn't have an open appointment until a month or so from now. Guess what? I'm almost out of pills again. She doesn't feel right writing the script however without seeing me first. (Notice the pattern) So now I need to meet with a nurse practitioner who will once again review my case and make summary judgement whether or not to continue. Additionally I will just have to suck up any medicine gaps in between. If she doesn't feel comfortable writing the prescription then I have to go and find another psychologist, and wait some more until they make a judgement. The icing on the cake? Even after she agrees to write the prescription I will still need to see someone else yet again once they find a permanent replacement. That person will also have to make a judgement about whether to continue. Why do I feel like the only person that sees this as a big deal? If I had diabetes or some other disease and for whatever reason my doctor changed they wouldn't withhold my medicine until I came in so they could determine if I really had diabetes or not? A diagnosis has been made. Are they free to question it? Sure, but not at the expense of your current treatment. What gives them that right? The right to say I don't trust anyone that has given you a diagnosis so I'm going to act like you you never had one and then I'll decide whats best. Why do I feel like the only person that thinks its insane that it seems easier and cheaper to buy a medicine through some online pharmacy than it is to get it through your own doctor after you have already been diagnosed? Why is this OK damnit! No, despite appearances I'm not raving mad. I am frustrated and indignant. I'm tired of being treated like a drug dealer, or a some easy ticket for some free insurance money. Perhaps the root of my frustration is that I just don't know what to do about it. I basically just have to accept it and go on.

Dentist - The Aftermath!

My appointment is over. Aside from some silver and my face looking suspiciously like I've suffered a stroke I am not much worse for wear. The appointment overall was not horrible. I must admit I was nervous and last night I did not sleep that well due to the anxiety. Interestingly enough I didn't really have bad dreams. Most of my dreams were about the dentist visit but they all centered around it already being over. The only part of the entire thing that hurt was the shots. I'm not a fan of needles in general much less in my mouth. I have overcome much of this fear or in the least managed to keep it from being as debilitating as it has been in the past. I will say this for my last dentist, I did not feel the shots. I felt these however. I believe its because they did not leave the topical anesthetic on long enough and some of the injection sites had no topical anesthetic at all. It was not the worst pain in the world although I did squeak several times. I think I was more afraid that it was a sign of how the rest of the procedure would go. After the first round numbing I really didn't feel that much else. After the other rounds of numbing I couldn't really feel my nose let alone my mouth. The dentist seems like a good person to me. He and his staff were very kind to me. I like this dentist for very particular reasons. I believe he is honest, has integrity, and after today most importantly patience. He told me what he was doing and why he was doing it the entire time he was working and oddly enough I found it calming. The most interesting part of the appointment was after he had drilled 3 of my upper teeth that were all together. Each of the teeth had been filled previously with resin and each within about 6 months of each other. After the resin was gone he gave me a mirror and showed me exactly what he had said initially. Each tooth showed varying signs of decay beneath the resin filling. The worst decay being behind the oldest filling (approx 2 years old). Each tooth was in a different stage of the same progression. Within 6 months or so I would have had to have a root canal in the worst tooth, 6 months after that 1 or both of the other teeth would have followed. I guess he has seen a lot of similar cases. After two or three root canals or lost teeth people start to look around for another opinion. Some dentists even view as a way to ensure repeat business. I started thinking the other day about when I got my original resin fillings. I don't think anyone offered me a choice of resin or amalgam. Even if they had, without being educated about the options the choice is similar to choosing one hand or the other when you don't know the contents of either. It took some real research on my part to get to the bottom of things and understand the choices available. I think we just assume and trust that our dentist knows whats best and will act accordingly. That's an assumption we ultimately have to bear the consequences for. In this day and age with information readily available we are more equipped than ever to start questioning some of the ideas we've always taken for granted.

Broken & Entered

The title sounds like a porno doesn't it? All novelty aside approximantly two days ago at 4:00am someone attempted to break into our house. I am somewhat suspicious of people by nature and as such had been wanting a security system for our home for sometime. I am very glad and fortunate that I did something about it some time ago. It was this very fact that I believe kept a bad situation from being much much worse. It was 4:00am and my wife and I had gone to bed much earlier as anyone with work the next day does. Suddenly I sat up immediately in bed as I was aware house alarm was emitting its warning beeps before resounding in full force. As I sat up I was aware the muffled noise of metal being dropped against metal, but at the time I did not realize what I had heard. I sleep through the alarm clock in the morning with ease, the house alarm although quieter wakes me immediately. My first reaction was actually not neccessarily the brightest. My wife had went to bed with a terrible headache that night and my immediate concern was that the alarm would wake her so rushed out to silence it. As I was silencing it, it occurred to me that I probably should not as the alarm is sounding for a reason. Instictually I knew that the main and upper levels had not been compromised. As such I headed directly toward our basement door. I had left the lights on in the basement so I opened the door to take a look down the stairs. In that moment I realized my next folly and shut the door to return better "equipped" to handle a situation. By this time my wife had already woken I was aware by my demeanor that something was amiss. As I returned to the basement I understood the source of the loud metallic clang I had heard after the alarm. It was the sound of the metal grate that sits atop the well encompassing our window being dropped against it. After insuring that we were indeed alone and the house had not been compromised we were better able to analyze the details and determine what had happened. Our basement window had been opened about the width of a hand. As a note if all the windows and doors are not closed you can not arm the alarm system, as such the window had to be closed that night. What we peiced together was that someone slipped down into the well and picked both of the locks on the window. (Not as hard as it may sound for this type of window) Once the window was unlocked they proceeded to open it breaking the seal and activating the alarm. Being startled and afraid they pushed the metal grate back up and ran off letting it slam down. Interestingly enough after all was secured and the puzzle peiced together I fell right back asleep as though nothing had happened. It has taken a few days of reflection and consideration to instill some anxiety in me. I think that it is important to reflect on the situation and use it as a reminder and lesson. At the same time I believe that a person must be wary not to obsess to long on the "what ifs", lest fear consume them. Breaking into someones home evokes powerful emotions in people sometimes. I wonder if some of that is based on the same instinctual territorial drive in other mammals. I believe a large part of the real upset is because our homes are an accepted "Safe" place, and to have that idea questioned makes us feel more vunerable all around. I believe things happen for a reason. I also believe that we may never fully understand why. Perhaps it is this naive idea that gives me solice. Perhaps this break-in will cause me to make some change that will prevent or change the outcome of something far worse later on. Perhaps it is these events that "keep us on our toes" so that we only skin our knees instead of breaking our legs. Or maybe I'm full of crap :)

Exercise your choppers

Earlier this week one of my front teeth started to hurt. Some time ago I had had a similar pain just before one of my teeth cracked. As much as I dislike the dentist I do believe in the "Ounce of prevention" adage. Because of some issues my wife an I have had with our dentist we had both decided we no longer wished to utilize him. I made a few calls and found a new dentist to try. The good news is that the tooth in question is perfectly fine. The bad news is I have 6 cavities, 5 of which are on my left side. To make matters worse the majority of these cavities are below or around fillings that were put in within the last 1 to 2 years. What does this mean? It means that the fillings will have to first be drilled out and then the cavity to can be drilled. My first thought was of course why do I have cavities underneath a filling? Did the dentist leave something behind? There are no cavities on the side of the tooth. No the dentist did not leave part of the cavity behind but the real explanation was much more fascinating and disturbing. My previous dentist had chosen to use a resin for the fillings in my molars. Resin is more aesthetically pleasing being a tooth colored material, however here is a not so fun fact. Resin is often a poor choice for molar fillings because it cracks under medium loads. These cracks are not visible as the material shifts together, but they allow bacteria to travel through the crack and down to the tooth below. Additionally as resins age they prone to shrinking and micro leakage. Resin has a much shorter lifespan and often leads to a root canal if cavity below the filling is not caught quickly. I distinctly remember my last dentist telling me how strong and durable the filings were and how they would last a very long time. Now I am faced with the fact that he was wrong, either by ignorance or deception, the result is the same and I bear the burden. I don't know that I am skilled enough to paint my feelings in words here. Now I am faced with the fact of a large amount of dental work and a mouth full of metal once again. I have never been fond of dentists (but I do go). As a child the majority of my baby teeth were filled or complete capped with that shiny silver amalgam. I should be thankful at least that due to the location the fillings will be less noticeable. I am trying to look forward and do what needs to be done, but I must admit the anxiety is hard to control.