The appletree

They say, "The apple never falls far from the tree". I have oft amended this statement with the qualifier, "unless its planted on a hill". I am recently haunted comments from my father than I am "more and more like him everyday". While I am sure this is a phrase every child disdains, I have more definitive reasons for my alarm. My father is Bipolar. Growing up my father was an emotional roller coaster. Prone to outbursts of anger and energy as well as crying and depression. I have always had an uneasiness when he is about. There was always an uncomfortable anxiety and a constant sense of alertness. As if the "fight or flight" instinct was in full swing. I have little or no ill will about the past. After all it is the past and everyone has their childhood stories. It was only in later years as certain behaviors have become less and less publicly acceptable and the strain began to wear his relationships too thin that he began to seek treatment and diagnosis. It was only some years ago I received the penance of the confirmation that I was indeed not crazy, as I had been told for so long and that he in fact did have a problem. It is in this stage of his life I feel the most pity. He has been lost for so long and is just now understanding things about himself and about life that I understood some time ago. Many times he comes to me for answers and I have none give. He sees and feels the same problems I feel, and he has the same questions and feelings I have. I never found any real answers, I just found a way to deal not having them. I find myself saying things that remind me of him, things I know he would say. I find myself wondering if he is getting better or if I am getting worse? I wonder if or how I will change as time presses on. Not long ago a psychologist told me that she believes I have cyclothymic disorder. I have read about it with caution. I believe people have a tendency to see in themselves things that are not necessarily there. Bending either themselves or the symptoms to better align. With that in mind however I am not unconvinced of the possibility, although I believe my wife may be. A scary thought occurred to me today related to all of this. In one article, the smallest sentence made as a footnote or an afterthought read: "Genetic counseling, which assists a couple in understanding their risk of producing a child with the disorder, may be of some help. " I hadn't really considered the fact that I may in fact pass to my offspring the very sames challenges I face, or perhaps something more or less severe. I have always expressed a desire for children and I can't imagine not reproducing on the basis of what might be, but I have to wonder at my guilt should I pass to those that bear my legacy that which tears at its previous generations.