Halloween Creepy Doll

This is a cute video I like. It seems particularly appropriate for Halloween. If you have a few moments the author has a number of pretty good videos. Creepy Doll And I almost forgot another old favorite Eat your Brains Happy Halloween!

Work work work...

I'm actually feeling pretty good about work lately. I'm a software developer by trade and the past week has been a steady series of victories for me. I've managed to get implemented some changes I have been pushing for on our Sharepoint Portals. The net effect of the changes is a decrease in overall page size by approximately 85k. That's just shy of cutting it in half. Next months bandwidth usage will ultimately determine the value of the success but either way its help to establish a small standard here in the way things are done. I enjoy creating ideas that have value beyond a single implementation. A better way to create a news feature on one site is great but creating the foundation for a reusable news feature that can be easily deployed across multiple sites are the types of things that really drive me. Give me a challenge beyond "make a widget". Anyone can make a widget, why not make a widget maker! I've noticed I am in an overall better mood when I have good challenge tackle. I think my room for improvement lies in staying focused on the rest of the delivery once the more interesting parts have been completed. This is one of the reasons I enjoy software architecture so much. The fulfillment lies within the challenge. Challenge fathers my creativity and my thinking, and I love to think.

Halloween

So its Halloween again. Our plans kind of deteriorated at the last moment so we find ourselves at home this year. Not to say this is a bad thing actually. I like spending time together. My teeth still hurt so I doubt I'll be gourging on candy anytime soon. I seem to finding an increasing number of little amalgam flakes coming off of my fillings. I've got a followup on Monday though so I will get to the bottom of it then. I'm hoping to have a little fun at home this weekend. I thought about having family over but I think I'd almost prefer to just spend time with the wife. Maybe play a few video games. I've been playing Warhammer Online lately and I've been trying to talk the wife into playing as well. I've almost been retrying World of Warcraft. I just never really liked that game. To be fair I really sure login to Everquest 1 and 2 as swore I wouldn't leave Everquest until I got one character to max level. My wife made the same vow and yet somehow we have still not yet acheived this. In other news, there is no other news :)

The frustration...

I'm going to share something with you. I have ADHD. Not the fun trendy every kid that doesn't behave must have ADHD, the real one. The reality is its not fun. Unlike some the problem has followed me into adulthood. As a child I loathed taking medicine of any kind, especially anything that was going to change the way I felt. Even into adulthood I have maintained much of my reluctance to rely on medicines. It was only within the past few years that fully began to see and understand the impact it was having not only on my work but my personal life. It was after some problems and a continued period of simply not being able to focus that I considered perhaps things could indeed be better. I spoke to my doctor and his first suggestion was Strattera, mainly because it was a non narcotic. Strattera kind of worked. Everyone else thought I was depressed but outwardly I was calmer. The problem was it had some very nasty side effects. At first I didn't say anything because I wanted to try and give it some time but after a while it became clear I would have to talk to the doctor. After Strattera he prescribed Adderall. Adderall really worked, it made a different kind of impact than Strattera. Adderall is a narcotic though so getting a prescription means a going to the Dr.'s office each month to pick it up. All was going well for me, I had been taking medicine for almost a year. Then one day I get a letter in the mail. My doctor an all the doctors in his group will no longer be prescribing my medication or maintenance pain medication. I called the office to better understand what this meant to me and what my options were. The options I was given was basically a list of Psychologists you can schedule an appointment with. Out of the list of about 10 I was able to find two that would actually take a new client and prescribe medication. The new problem? Neither of them had an appointment available for months on end. I only had so many pills so I inquired what I was supposed to do until then? The responses all boiled down to "Your pretty much screwed then huh." No one would prescribe the medicine without seeing me first to access if I needed it or not. No one seemed to care that there were side effects associated with starting and stopping the medication. I had to make do and I did the best I could. No it wasn't the end of the world or anything but yes it was frustrating and yes it had an impact. So then I meet with a psychologist and I have to admit internally I was offended as she looked at me and asked me all kinds of questions. Its not that mind answering them. I don't. It was that she was attempting to decide whether or not I should have the medicine I have been on for a year or not. She was deciding whether I should have it, something else, or perhaps nothing at all. Even though the determination had already been made that I had ADHD, and a medicine had already been prescribed and was working well. She would make this single determination. In the end I was able to get the prescription again. This time though with an added stipulation. Now I needed to see her for 15 minutes each month to get the next prescription. Not because she could determine so much in 15 minutes, its because then you can bill an office call with all the associated charges. It was a sham but it was the apparent "song and dance" I would have to do. So that is what I have done for many months now, close to a year. A few days ago I get a letter in the mail. My psychologist is no longer practicing, sorry. So I call up the office to find out what I need to do now. Since she has left they have divided her case load. A nurse practitioner that can write scripts and a psychologist are seeing her patients until they find a replacement. What does this mean? Well in order to get my next prescription I need to see the nurse practitioner. Oh but wait she doesn't have an open appointment until a month or so from now. Guess what? I'm almost out of pills again. She doesn't feel right writing the script however without seeing me first. (Notice the pattern) So now I need to meet with a nurse practitioner who will once again review my case and make summary judgement whether or not to continue. Additionally I will just have to suck up any medicine gaps in between. If she doesn't feel comfortable writing the prescription then I have to go and find another psychologist, and wait some more until they make a judgement. The icing on the cake? Even after she agrees to write the prescription I will still need to see someone else yet again once they find a permanent replacement. That person will also have to make a judgement about whether to continue. Why do I feel like the only person that sees this as a big deal? If I had diabetes or some other disease and for whatever reason my doctor changed they wouldn't withhold my medicine until I came in so they could determine if I really had diabetes or not? A diagnosis has been made. Are they free to question it? Sure, but not at the expense of your current treatment. What gives them that right? The right to say I don't trust anyone that has given you a diagnosis so I'm going to act like you you never had one and then I'll decide whats best. Why do I feel like the only person that thinks its insane that it seems easier and cheaper to buy a medicine through some online pharmacy than it is to get it through your own doctor after you have already been diagnosed? Why is this OK damnit! No, despite appearances I'm not raving mad. I am frustrated and indignant. I'm tired of being treated like a drug dealer, or a some easy ticket for some free insurance money. Perhaps the root of my frustration is that I just don't know what to do about it. I basically just have to accept it and go on.

Dentist - The Aftermath!

My appointment is over. Aside from some silver and my face looking suspiciously like I've suffered a stroke I am not much worse for wear. The appointment overall was not horrible. I must admit I was nervous and last night I did not sleep that well due to the anxiety. Interestingly enough I didn't really have bad dreams. Most of my dreams were about the dentist visit but they all centered around it already being over. The only part of the entire thing that hurt was the shots. I'm not a fan of needles in general much less in my mouth. I have overcome much of this fear or in the least managed to keep it from being as debilitating as it has been in the past. I will say this for my last dentist, I did not feel the shots. I felt these however. I believe its because they did not leave the topical anesthetic on long enough and some of the injection sites had no topical anesthetic at all. It was not the worst pain in the world although I did squeak several times. I think I was more afraid that it was a sign of how the rest of the procedure would go. After the first round numbing I really didn't feel that much else. After the other rounds of numbing I couldn't really feel my nose let alone my mouth. The dentist seems like a good person to me. He and his staff were very kind to me. I like this dentist for very particular reasons. I believe he is honest, has integrity, and after today most importantly patience. He told me what he was doing and why he was doing it the entire time he was working and oddly enough I found it calming. The most interesting part of the appointment was after he had drilled 3 of my upper teeth that were all together. Each of the teeth had been filled previously with resin and each within about 6 months of each other. After the resin was gone he gave me a mirror and showed me exactly what he had said initially. Each tooth showed varying signs of decay beneath the resin filling. The worst decay being behind the oldest filling (approx 2 years old). Each tooth was in a different stage of the same progression. Within 6 months or so I would have had to have a root canal in the worst tooth, 6 months after that 1 or both of the other teeth would have followed. I guess he has seen a lot of similar cases. After two or three root canals or lost teeth people start to look around for another opinion. Some dentists even view as a way to ensure repeat business. I started thinking the other day about when I got my original resin fillings. I don't think anyone offered me a choice of resin or amalgam. Even if they had, without being educated about the options the choice is similar to choosing one hand or the other when you don't know the contents of either. It took some real research on my part to get to the bottom of things and understand the choices available. I think we just assume and trust that our dentist knows whats best and will act accordingly. That's an assumption we ultimately have to bear the consequences for. In this day and age with information readily available we are more equipped than ever to start questioning some of the ideas we've always taken for granted.

Broken & Entered

The title sounds like a porno doesn't it? All novelty aside approximantly two days ago at 4:00am someone attempted to break into our house. I am somewhat suspicious of people by nature and as such had been wanting a security system for our home for sometime. I am very glad and fortunate that I did something about it some time ago. It was this very fact that I believe kept a bad situation from being much much worse. It was 4:00am and my wife and I had gone to bed much earlier as anyone with work the next day does. Suddenly I sat up immediately in bed as I was aware house alarm was emitting its warning beeps before resounding in full force. As I sat up I was aware the muffled noise of metal being dropped against metal, but at the time I did not realize what I had heard. I sleep through the alarm clock in the morning with ease, the house alarm although quieter wakes me immediately. My first reaction was actually not neccessarily the brightest. My wife had went to bed with a terrible headache that night and my immediate concern was that the alarm would wake her so rushed out to silence it. As I was silencing it, it occurred to me that I probably should not as the alarm is sounding for a reason. Instictually I knew that the main and upper levels had not been compromised. As such I headed directly toward our basement door. I had left the lights on in the basement so I opened the door to take a look down the stairs. In that moment I realized my next folly and shut the door to return better "equipped" to handle a situation. By this time my wife had already woken I was aware by my demeanor that something was amiss. As I returned to the basement I understood the source of the loud metallic clang I had heard after the alarm. It was the sound of the metal grate that sits atop the well encompassing our window being dropped against it. After insuring that we were indeed alone and the house had not been compromised we were better able to analyze the details and determine what had happened. Our basement window had been opened about the width of a hand. As a note if all the windows and doors are not closed you can not arm the alarm system, as such the window had to be closed that night. What we peiced together was that someone slipped down into the well and picked both of the locks on the window. (Not as hard as it may sound for this type of window) Once the window was unlocked they proceeded to open it breaking the seal and activating the alarm. Being startled and afraid they pushed the metal grate back up and ran off letting it slam down. Interestingly enough after all was secured and the puzzle peiced together I fell right back asleep as though nothing had happened. It has taken a few days of reflection and consideration to instill some anxiety in me. I think that it is important to reflect on the situation and use it as a reminder and lesson. At the same time I believe that a person must be wary not to obsess to long on the "what ifs", lest fear consume them. Breaking into someones home evokes powerful emotions in people sometimes. I wonder if some of that is based on the same instinctual territorial drive in other mammals. I believe a large part of the real upset is because our homes are an accepted "Safe" place, and to have that idea questioned makes us feel more vunerable all around. I believe things happen for a reason. I also believe that we may never fully understand why. Perhaps it is this naive idea that gives me solice. Perhaps this break-in will cause me to make some change that will prevent or change the outcome of something far worse later on. Perhaps it is these events that "keep us on our toes" so that we only skin our knees instead of breaking our legs. Or maybe I'm full of crap :)

Exercise your choppers

Earlier this week one of my front teeth started to hurt. Some time ago I had had a similar pain just before one of my teeth cracked. As much as I dislike the dentist I do believe in the "Ounce of prevention" adage. Because of some issues my wife an I have had with our dentist we had both decided we no longer wished to utilize him. I made a few calls and found a new dentist to try. The good news is that the tooth in question is perfectly fine. The bad news is I have 6 cavities, 5 of which are on my left side. To make matters worse the majority of these cavities are below or around fillings that were put in within the last 1 to 2 years. What does this mean? It means that the fillings will have to first be drilled out and then the cavity to can be drilled. My first thought was of course why do I have cavities underneath a filling? Did the dentist leave something behind? There are no cavities on the side of the tooth. No the dentist did not leave part of the cavity behind but the real explanation was much more fascinating and disturbing. My previous dentist had chosen to use a resin for the fillings in my molars. Resin is more aesthetically pleasing being a tooth colored material, however here is a not so fun fact. Resin is often a poor choice for molar fillings because it cracks under medium loads. These cracks are not visible as the material shifts together, but they allow bacteria to travel through the crack and down to the tooth below. Additionally as resins age they prone to shrinking and micro leakage. Resin has a much shorter lifespan and often leads to a root canal if cavity below the filling is not caught quickly. I distinctly remember my last dentist telling me how strong and durable the filings were and how they would last a very long time. Now I am faced with the fact that he was wrong, either by ignorance or deception, the result is the same and I bear the burden. I don't know that I am skilled enough to paint my feelings in words here. Now I am faced with the fact of a large amount of dental work and a mouth full of metal once again. I have never been fond of dentists (but I do go). As a child the majority of my baby teeth were filled or complete capped with that shiny silver amalgam. I should be thankful at least that due to the location the fillings will be less noticeable. I am trying to look forward and do what needs to be done, but I must admit the anxiety is hard to control.