Assertiveness

I have never been an assertive person and although I have realized this for sometime I had never stopped to really wonder why, until now.  I have been thinking a great deal about the reasons behind my attitude lately, perhaps in an effort to explain it or at the very least understand it.  I don't think it is any one thing as much as it is probably a collection of several things.

I think my observations are one contributing factor.  I have watched many assertive people and leaders and I have always felt that more often than not they are wrong.  Sometimes I feel the most assertive people are usually the ones that are the least correct.  While I envy they're ability to lead I also disdain their stubbornness and the seeming inability to re-evaluate their decisions. It feels like in order for them to lead they must be deaf and blind to any input contrary to their decision.

I believe another contributing factor is empathy.  I often have a hard time doing things or leading people with strong view points contrary to my own.  I feel the passion they have for their opinion and I empathize with it to the point of trying to find some compromise between views.  I don't like the feeling that people are upset or aggravated with me.

I am afraid of making a decision I think because I am afraid of making the wrong decision.  This is especially true when I know that my actions will affect other people.  I hate the way some people will make a decision that affects other people without considering input, and when that decision shows itself to be poor it never seems to matter to the person that made it.  It's as though they feel no responsibility to the people affected by the poor choice that THEY made.

For the longest time I've felt like to be a good leader or to be assertive you have to be an asshole.  You make your decision and consequences be damned.  I have a hard time seeing myself in that role or being that person.

This weekend however something new occurred to me.  If some many leaders are poor why do some many continue to follow them?  I think its because most of us want to be led, even when the destination is not in our best interest.  Being led I think gives us the feeling that the consequences are not our fault.  That feeling is an illusion and a lie.  I have always tried to accept that I am directly responsible for what happens to me.  Not making a decision is the same as making one.  If I'm not willing to give up the feeling of responsibility for my actions then why do I continue to be lead?

I can lead.  I just don't think people would like me very much.  I think the change would put many people off, especially those closer to me.  That responsibility I feel to other people is a hard thing to ignore.  I constantly second guess myself, and I wonder who am I to decide that I am the one to make a decision for other people?

I suppose the only shelter I can take from my own feelings is instead put the blame back on them.  If the outcome of my choice negatively impacts someone that took my direction it's their own fault for not leading themselves.  They chose to follow.  I chastise myself to take responsibility for my own actions or inaction's.  If don't expect others to be responsible for me why do feel like I need to responsible for others?

My empathy is illogical but no less powerful and influential.  I almost feel like it defines me.  It allows me to adapt and read people.  The more time I spend with someone the more I adopt their mannerisms and even their ideas.  I feel like everything about me changes based on the company I keep.  I think sometimes that is why I had issues being alone.  I can often remember sitting alone and thinking that I have no idea how I really feel about something.  It's an odd sensation not know if your feelings on something are truly your own or simply a reflection of the last person you were with.  Maybe my lack of identity is a contributor to my lack of assertiveness.  I suppose its hard to make decisions when your never really sure how you feel.   Perhaps my empathy for others is my greatest enemy?

Weekend Diving

It's about 12:30am as I write this in a tent next to my friend who is currently snoring in what appears be an effort to scare away any possible predators. Truth be told I don't know whether I could sleep anyway. I probably should be tired given my activity today but i'm just not. This weekend I am camping / diving with my friend and my brother in law. It was about a 5 hour drive and the tempature was over 100 for most of the day. I am not typically very fond of being hot and it usually causes me to be frustrated and short. My friend and brother in law are both considerably larger than me by comparison. As such I know if i'm uncomfortable they must be miserable. It was 104f when we arrived and my brother in law wanted to wait a while before trying to suit up for a dive. This was understandable, the water is cold enough below the thermalcline to require a drysuit or a 7 mm wetsuit. Either of which would cook you pretty quickly if you weren't quick to get into the water. While I understood the wisdom in postponing the dive I was baffled when instead my brother in law decided it would be a good time to assemble a three room tent in the sun. To make matters worse it seemed like everyone wanted manage and no one wanted to read the directions. I could tell things were turning chaos and I decided to do something out of character for me. I took charge. I read the directions and started piecing the tent together whilr they argued. I can honestly say I wasn't mad, just frustrated with the lack of progress. On a side note as I began writing this entry an alarm of some kind began to sound in the distance.

In less than 6 hours I will have 1/3 of the optimistic estimate for the male lifespan (I'll be 30).  I'm not sure why 30 has always seemed such a significant age to me but it has seemed a milestone for as long as I can remember.  I can't say that have any real regrets in life so far.  That's not to say I haven't made mistakes, I have (Just ask my wife).  I try not to regret my mistakes because I know that undoing them would change the person I am.

I am definitely feeling a little old and depressed.  It's not looking back that bothers me, its looking forward.  I knew what I wanted before this milestone and for the most part I am happy with what I have achieved.  I have no similar aspirations for the next phase of my life.  It's not that I feel I have achieved everything as much as I just don't know what to do.  I attribute some of my angst to the stress of recent events.

I understand a little more about life in general than I did 15 years ago and that knowledge serves to temper my more irrational anxieties.  Things will move forward and I have no choice but to move with them.  All I can do is choose to fight the current or go with the flow.  I have had many blessing thus far and I believe there will be many more to come.  I must remind myself to take solace in this and the fact that in the end everything will be OK.