My symptoms appear to be as follows:
I'm tired more often. Often times I don't feel like doing anything and oddly enough when I do I can't seem to figure out what to do until time seems to have just passed me by. I am withdrawn but I'm not necessarily avoiding people. I would like to but I have a reasonable penchant towards practicality. I posted in a previous blog that I would like nothing better than to hide away in a basement doing essentially nothing. There was a particular emphasis on avoiding the sunlight all together though my motives are not as depressed as they seem. I actually like the sunlight just fine. The real reason for eliminating my exposure to it was because it represents a sense of time, and time is exactly what I wanted to forget. 3a.m. or 5p.m would be completely irrelevant. 24 hours would no longer define a "day". The "day" would be as long as my circadian rhythm dictated.
To be honest I think a lot of the way I feel right now is a combination how I feel about my current job and some life changing events in my life. My job right now is very disorganized. Things are very undefined with no real structure and I am not in a position to be able to bring the order that I or the project needs. I hesitate to complain because the job itself is very laid back and easy going, so much though nothing seems to matter. The project itself isn't even defined, or it gets defined as we go. I am glad that the deadlines don't seem to matter but I think its because they know the expectations are unreasonable or more likely they aren't really sure what the expectations are.
Having a baby is listed as one of those common "Stress Factors" right beside job loss, divorce, marriage, and any other major event. I realize that it does impact me but I'm honestly really happy that I'm going to be a father. I know there are a lot of things that will need to be done and I do feel a renewed emphasis on money. Truthfully though I don't think these things are the problem. I don't feel anxious about what has to be done. I do however feel "odd" about all the things that were already on the list to be done.
I say "odd" because I don't know what the feeling is or how to describe it. I feel a little ashamed at all the things that I should have done by now that I just consistently put off. It's almost as though I'm having a "reckoning" with myself. There are times when I ask myself how I can expect to do the things I intend regarding the baby when I couldn't do the things I intended to get done before. Our money situation is not bad, but at the same time its not where we wanted to be either. I think I could be OK with that except for the fact that I no longer feel empowered to do anything about it. Frugality and saving is a passive approach (still positive). In the past though I felt like I could use a more active approach to change things.
Maybe that's what I want to hide from, responsibility. Not the responsibility of being a father or a husband which I think someone would naturally assume first. I don't feel empowered to change things in general be it at work or home. That's not to say I think I am a failure. I have not lost my perspective as far as that is concerned. I have a lot of good things to be thankful for. I have a wonderful wife. I am about to be a father. We are both comfortable and happy. It isn't that I forget the good things, its just that the good doesn't just excuse the bad.
I think my fantasy about retreating is really just a selfish dream. I want to withdraw and do what I want. I want to avoid interactions with people because I don't want to be concerned with them or what they want. It all seems to come back to me me me and that's a selfish attitude to have. There is more to think about than just myself. Maybe that's what depression is, selfishness. The
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