I'm a Maniac Maniac!

Decent song. In all seriousness though, as far as I can tell based on my experience I believe I am in the middle of a manic episode. Nothing has changed that I know of but for whatever reason this particular instance seems just outside of medicinal control. I realized on the way to work today just how long its been since I've really been gripped by this particular feeling.

Mania is an interesting and complicated problem in my opinion. Feelings associated with problems like depression are generally negative. The person feels down, sad, or perhaps just tired. Depression doesn't "feel" good. Mania on the other hand is like a drug. You generally feel good, full of energy. You feel as though you can take on the world, and your mind feels as though its expanded and capable of tackling the mysteries of life. How do you turn away from that? Why would want to?

The downside? It's hard to see at first. The easiest negative to identify is "coming down". Mania like depression an extreme. When you are manic, especially for long periods of time it can make mania seem like a norm. This means when you finally run out of energy (and you will eventually) you return to equilibrium. The problem is equilibrium is still a step down from what you are used to so instead of associating the feeling with a norm it becomes negative. Many times this down step in turn leads to another down step that becomes depression. When you are "coming down" you are no longer manic so it very easy to rationalize that mania is not the problem since you don't feel bad during the actual episode.

With time and experience you begin to realize other negative impacts. Although your mind "feels as though its expanded" nothing you think about ever really seems to come to conclusion. Your thoughts resemble the clique ramblings of hippie pot smokers from tv sitcoms. Your thoughts are significant they just SEEM that way at the time. More energy, sounds great until try to quantify the results of your efforts. How many tasks did you bring to fruition during your episode? Sure I can tackle one hundred tasks for countless hours, but its rare that do very many of them justice.

As I write this I did not sleep last night at all and although I know that I am tired I can not feel it. It's taken me a long time just to recognize whats happening to me as its actually happening. Recognition is half the battle, now what the hell do I do? So far I don't believe that its out of hand, but isn't that what all addicts say? Am I an addict? I felt that rush of energy this morning and I remembered that feeling and how long it seems to have been. I suppose I just have to keep in mind that the higher you climb the farther you fall.