I spent yesterday's drive home as I often do, thinking and reflecting. At the time I was still feeling pursued by my constant predator; anxiety. I still felt the same lack of purpose I always had. I wondered if my anxiety was driving need to define some purpose or my lack of purpose was driving my anxiety. It occurred to me to ask a different question, "What is a purpose?" Isn't purpose just a synonym for objective? I don't think my problem is a lack of objectives. I have so many strewn before me to choose from.

Objectives are nothing more than a goal and goals do little except mark the passage of time. What am I waiting for? Am I waiting for some divine purpose? Purpose is purpose regardless of source. Why would it be any different if I were given an objective by a divine entity. Objectives can be narrowed down two basic types: Those you can achieve, and those you can not. If the objective is unobtainable there would be little motivation to pursue it. If the objective is achievable then my purpose is only fulfilled until the objective is satisfied. Then what? Return for a new objective? How is this any different from own goals?

People are consumers, our economies and our governments ensure that. We create things to strive for simply for the sake of striving. If I were a believer in grand conspiracies I would surmise that the entire system is in place simply to keep us preoccupied. Take away all your wants for a moment and assume all your needs are met. You have no concept of the consumer condition, there is no bigger television, or faster car. What do you do? And thats where I am now. Its not that I have no objectives, its merely that they seemed to have diminished in importance.

Sometimes everything I do feels so insignificant in the overall tapestry of life. By in large my entire existence will go unnoticed by time. 1000 or even 100 years from now it will make no difference what my goals were or whether I obtained them. Life seems to be about doing things that hold no context outside of its own scope. If it makes no difference what I do why do I strive for anything? Because it improves my existence while I'm experiencing it? It makes no difference over the span of time.

I thought perhaps my problem was not so much a lack of purpose and more simple mortality. If my time were not finite the scope of my goals would no longer be so closely tied to time. As it is currently I feel as though every action simply acts to mark its passage. Spans of a life measured in conversations, car rides, and trips to the rest room. Already my life reminds me of the cut scene memories in a made for TV movie.

Saying all this one my surmise that I am depressed, and I must admit that without a solid conclusion it is somewhat saddening. However I do not believe I am currently depressed. There is nothing that I can do change these things, my feelings about them will not impact them. I have mentioned the Serenity Prayer before:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

I suppose that it applies here and now more than ever. I know the difference I simply need to accept it now. I have always had the power to define my own purpose. I have defined it before and I have little choice but continue to define it now. In the end at least I feel a little better.