Anger

Society doesn't seem to like anger, or angry people for that matter.  There are countless ways in which life tries "help you" with anger.  Curiously enough none of the solutions ever seem to involve correcting the thing you are angry about.  That's external and it seems the only help that can be offered is to change you.

I was somewhat angry growing up.  Anger was my sword, my shield, and my steed.  Time seem determine to change my ways though and eventually talked from my mount.  Life eventually convinced me to ease my grip on sword and shield, that the burden was to heavy to carry around.  Finally after many miles I cast them aside and continued on.

The problem with all these "anger management" solutions is that they don't give you anything to replace what they took.  Years later I find myself alone.  Bereft of my horse I have no swiftness.  Divested of my blade I have no means to charge forward to my goal.  My shield no more than memory I stand naked without shelter from any attack.  There is no fire left in my belly save for indigestion.

We aren't supposed to get angry anymore, we are supposed to find another way to deal with our feelings.  We tell our children, "Theres no since getting mad about it.", but is isn't there?  There are things in life that we should get mad about.  You don't have to be OK with everything.  We are not sheep!  I know its not productive to simply be mad all the time, but damn it don't let them take you fire.

Every once in a while I think about changing my career to something more exciting.  Contract killer for the mob for instance seems like an interesting career path.  The pay is good, the hours are flexible, but I'm just not sure where you put in your application.  Do you need a resume for that line of work?  Do they check your references?  (Ring, ring... "Hello?" Oh he answered hes not dead you big liar)  Can you just claim to have killed random people or is prior work experience limited to human beings?  For instance I've been told that I repeatidly butcher the english language, is that enough?

Dream revisited

Although it has been over a year now since I had this dream, the memory still lingers clearly in my minds eye.  To my dismay and despite my efforts I have never again had a dream of this kind.  It seems the closer I get to 30 the more often I hear those words spoken so clearly.  I still have so many unaswered questions that quietly nag at me in the back of mind.

So... I'm 30 years old but it seems even at this age Toll House Cookies are some mystical piece of knowledge that lies just beyond my comprehension.


Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 375.
2. Bake Cookies for 9 to 11 minutes
3. Remove from oven and let cool
4. Eat


Sounds simple right? I think there is a magical missing step between 2 and 3 because somehow when I go to execute step 3 I find my cookies and doughy undercooked CRAP. So I go ahead and leave them in a few more minutes... still undercooked crap. So apparently there is a missing step 2a. Find and choke Tinkerbell to death and shake dead fairy dust in a clockwise circle around the oven while chanting "I want to wish you a Merry Xmas from the bottom of my heart!".


Or their stupid cookies just suck!

Almost 30

30, the number feels like a predator quietly waiting to pounce on me when I turn around to take a drink. If time is the fire in which we burn then 30 must be like that french fry that falls out in the oven and gets left behind, cooking over and over until it eventually resembles a piece of coal. I'll be 30, I'm married, I've had 2 houses, 1 failed business, and more jobs than I can count. Somehow I'm tired, but it feels more like 60 or 90 tired than 30 tired. Work is OK and stable but somewhat less than fulfilling at the moment. Each day seems to sort of blur into the next defined only by working or not working.

I've been feeling like this for a little while now. Part of me is starting to wonder if a lot of the way that I have been feeling for the last few months is tied closely to my current assignment. The environment if is very relaxed and although I have enjoyed it I am forced to consider if it is not too relaxed. I feel stagnate. I have no real tangible or realistic goals and very little direction. I suppose its every artists dream, but I am no artist. I feel like I thrive in more defined environments.

Its not that I am high maintenance or that I need micro managed. I am a "doer" and I excel at providing solutions to problems. I can even extend to helping to define the a problem so that I can then provide a solution, but this ability has its limits. I do not "dream the dream", I "build the dream" or even help "elaborate on the dream". I need more to go on than, "make something", or even the more popular, "make something like this". Perhaps this is my Achilles heel, I am easily overwhelmed when left to my own devices and a very loosely defined or vague set of goals. There are those that thrive in this landscape and are suited to defining this level of chaos. I am not one of them nor do I desire to be.

For a long time I have been saying that I am tired, but perhaps "weary" is a better word. I am comfortable, perhaps even complacent but I am also stagnate. Or maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I just need to grab onto what little direction is here and run with it. Flesh out the details and the requirements on my own. My biggest obstacle would be myself. I just haven't wanted to.

Project Fail

As I've mentioned previously I have been pretty excited about building a PC inside an old NES case. The intent was harmless but as with everything I seem to undertake the implementation seems mostly folly. Don't worry this is not intended as a "woe is me" entry. The concept has been done many times. Where I strayed from the norm was in the way it was done. Ever implementation I have seen seems to cut the case up and expose all the nifty little computer plugs. My goal however lofty was to keep the alterations to the outside of the case to a minimum.

The crux of the problem is that the bottom of the NES case contains a molded ridge in the shape of T that connects to the three sides of the case. This ridge stands a little less than 1/2 inch tall. Before I set out to do this project I did some homework. I measured the case very closely and compared the sizes of the parts I would order. On paper everything looked good but in practice things fell apart.

Everything fits without the processor fan on top of the heat sink. However without the fan in this position the processor generates too much heat. With the fan on top of the processor I can close the case with some effort but the fan cannot turn or pull air. I have tried every solution I can think of to no avail. In the end I believe I will need to cut out the T shaped ridge in the bottom of the case. In reality removing the ridge will not be that noticeable from the exterior of the case. The main reason I had been avoiding removing it had more to do with the difficulty of doing so correctly.

I don't think the frustration I am feeling is completely just about failing at this project. It's more that I feel like it's just the most recent in a long line of failed attempted projects. Sometimes I feel like every time I try to do something all it does is annoy those around me. In a way I involve others because it gives me some connection to them. It's something I can do with them. I suppose I should stop consider whether they really care to be involved in the first place. I think sometimes people think I can't do anything on my own so when I do have an idea for something new others look at it as just creating more work for them.

Perhaps I depend on people too much. Maybe I need to do more things on my own. Of course if my track record is any indication perhaps I should stop trying to do anything at all. If I can't do something completely on my own I shouldn't undertake it. I spend too much time thinking of stupid ideas. I think I will try to just "chill" for a while.

Damnable! I stand here on the precipice looking over at what I once was, fat. I thought foolishly I had rid myself of such demons. In my complacency I have given my pursuer the advantage. Now is not the time for lament! Now is the time for action, calorie burning action! I should immediately like to drop at least 8 but preferable 13 lbs. I fear if I reach that peak of 140 I may tumble down the wrong side of the mountain. If that happens so help me I will eat everything and everyone on the way down!

Hummus, I need Hummus an Flat bread Stat!