There has been a lot of "buzz" recently about the latest missing child case, baby Lisa. I remember hearing about it last week. I generally try not to keep up on current events, especially ones I find depressing, but this one happened to catch my attention. Maybe it hit home because recent changes in life have made the event more relate-able.
I'm sorry to say that my initial reaction was one of suspicion. Afterwards I had to wonder if I was genuinely suspicious or just predisposed towards certain conclusions based on media coverage of previous cases. I empathize with the parents if they are innocent, because they must realize or at least suspect that everyone is secretly wondering if they had something to do with it. I can imagine the frustration of going to everyone and anyone for help and feeling like I needed to add, "and no dammit we didn't do anything to her." to the end of every request.
I had higher hopes in the first week that she would be found. Some part of me has a hard time getting my head around just how small we as individuals are. It feels like it "should be" as easy as, "Hey everyone! Stop! Look around! Where is this girl?" and for a brief moment the national consciousness would shift to the task at hand. At least in the world in my mind that's the way it comes together!
I sincerely hope they find her and discover what happened, but I hope even more that her return exonerates the parents so society has example to hold on to that doesn't involve the parents the next time this kind of thing happens.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Conner Prairie - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
I have become a big fan of Conner Prairie's Symphony on the Prairie over the years. It's a great chance to get together outside with friends and family. The atmosphere is picnic style and the performance is always well done. Several performances also feature fireworks at the end of the night. In my personal opinion the fireworks have been some of the better displays I have seen. I love the sense of family I get from these outings. I think my only lament is that my side of the family does not participate in similar activities. I feel like these kinds of outings provide a strong bonding experience for Izzy.
I think Isabelle is going to be musically inclined. Last weekend performance featured Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and she really seemed to enjoy it. She seems to really like music in general and loves to dance. It absolutely warms my heart to watch her get so excited. She loves to play with everyone and seemed to have a good time with her older cousin Mollie.
We picked her up a new toy before the show that lights up and plays music. It has quickly become her new favorite toy. She did very well despite being up way past her bedtime. She seemed to enjoy the fireworks as well. I have noticed that she is not as bothered by loud noises and bright lights as one my expect. She has a very signature look of overwhelming curiosity that causes me to grin from ear to ear whenever I see it. I absolutely love everything about my baby girl. I don't think I could ever have imagined how truly awesome it is to be a father.
We picked her up a new toy before the show that lights up and plays music. It has quickly become her new favorite toy. She did very well despite being up way past her bedtime. She seemed to enjoy the fireworks as well. I have noticed that she is not as bothered by loud noises and bright lights as one my expect. She has a very signature look of overwhelming curiosity that causes me to grin from ear to ear whenever I see it. I absolutely love everything about my baby girl. I don't think I could ever have imagined how truly awesome it is to be a father.
Friday, August 5, 2011
How to win friends and exhaust yourself
Lately I have been reading what some might consider a classic tome: How to win friends and influence people. Although I have been familiar with the work and even owned a copy or two in my youth this is the first time I have set aside the time to read it. Although I am only a fourth of the way through I have thus far found myself reminded of the lesson I already knew but have let fall into disuse.
As early as my childhood I had always related well to adults. My mother always commented that I was, "quite the little charmer." but truth was more complicated than simple charm. Adults were comfortable around me, often too comfortable which lead to me being privy to discussions far beyond my years. My role in adult conversations was more often that of an active participant than a quiet observer. Towards the end of a particularly adult topic they would often blush at the realization that the content was more than likely inappropriate.
The biggest hurdle in maintaining a healthy separation in the relationship between adult an child was that adults genuinely liked talking to me. Conversely just as any child wants to "belong" I had a genuine interest in them. On numerous occasions I found myself privy to countless secrets and even confessions well beyond my years. Sadly my rapport with adults never seemed to translate to my relationship with my peers.
The affects of my upbringing had a lasting affect on my demeanor. People often felt comfortable around me or gravitated toward me. My friends can regale you with countless tales of complete strangers randomly approaching me to share some intimate detail of their lives with me as though we were old friends. Friends and family found it humorous and yet annoying at the same time.
One day a few years ago now everything just slowed down and eventually stopped. What changed? I just got tired and stopped caring about other people. In retrospect I think I just felt overwhelmed. I had enough to deal with in my life and families life without adding to the burden with other peoples problems. Admittedly I was / am being selfish. Everything began to come down to a simple estimation of time and effort per interaction.
Simple interactions like saying hello to an acquaintance meant giving them a piece of my time and my energy. Let alone factoring in the horrifying possibility that they may want to relate some trivial experience to me. That meant allocating even more time and effort to the conversation in addition to any afterthoughts or lingering considerations or the time it would take later to relate the experience to someone that inquired. The final irony of course being that afterwards you now possess a pointless account of some trivial event of so little importance that even the storyteller forgets not only the exchange but the event in which was discussed as well.
You may be wondering what any of this had to do with reading a book. In short, the author promotes an overall attitude that is the antithesis of what I have currently adopted. To his credit he is correct, a healthy interest in other people will make you far more likable. I am certain I have failed to cultivate to the fullest many friendships and as such have missed numerous opportunities. What he has so far failed to mention however is the sheer amount of effort, time, and will that it takes on the part of person wishing to "be more liked".
I can only hope that as I continue reading he has developed some method of making the process easier or at the very least more manageable. Thus far the book has reminded me of my selfishness as well as the consequences it confers. I have long since realized that it is probably time for a change but I have been putting off like a child with homework.
As early as my childhood I had always related well to adults. My mother always commented that I was, "quite the little charmer." but truth was more complicated than simple charm. Adults were comfortable around me, often too comfortable which lead to me being privy to discussions far beyond my years. My role in adult conversations was more often that of an active participant than a quiet observer. Towards the end of a particularly adult topic they would often blush at the realization that the content was more than likely inappropriate.
The biggest hurdle in maintaining a healthy separation in the relationship between adult an child was that adults genuinely liked talking to me. Conversely just as any child wants to "belong" I had a genuine interest in them. On numerous occasions I found myself privy to countless secrets and even confessions well beyond my years. Sadly my rapport with adults never seemed to translate to my relationship with my peers.
The affects of my upbringing had a lasting affect on my demeanor. People often felt comfortable around me or gravitated toward me. My friends can regale you with countless tales of complete strangers randomly approaching me to share some intimate detail of their lives with me as though we were old friends. Friends and family found it humorous and yet annoying at the same time.
One day a few years ago now everything just slowed down and eventually stopped. What changed? I just got tired and stopped caring about other people. In retrospect I think I just felt overwhelmed. I had enough to deal with in my life and families life without adding to the burden with other peoples problems. Admittedly I was / am being selfish. Everything began to come down to a simple estimation of time and effort per interaction.
Simple interactions like saying hello to an acquaintance meant giving them a piece of my time and my energy. Let alone factoring in the horrifying possibility that they may want to relate some trivial experience to me. That meant allocating even more time and effort to the conversation in addition to any afterthoughts or lingering considerations or the time it would take later to relate the experience to someone that inquired. The final irony of course being that afterwards you now possess a pointless account of some trivial event of so little importance that even the storyteller forgets not only the exchange but the event in which was discussed as well.
You may be wondering what any of this had to do with reading a book. In short, the author promotes an overall attitude that is the antithesis of what I have currently adopted. To his credit he is correct, a healthy interest in other people will make you far more likable. I am certain I have failed to cultivate to the fullest many friendships and as such have missed numerous opportunities. What he has so far failed to mention however is the sheer amount of effort, time, and will that it takes on the part of person wishing to "be more liked".
I can only hope that as I continue reading he has developed some method of making the process easier or at the very least more manageable. Thus far the book has reminded me of my selfishness as well as the consequences it confers. I have long since realized that it is probably time for a change but I have been putting off like a child with homework.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
+2 str
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about a comment that was made to me during a get together last weekend. To summarize, I was discussing with a friend a recent situation in which during a disagreement with someone, that person brought with them 5 of their friends as a means of intimidation. I made the comment, "If its a game of numbers, why not pick up the phone as you have friends of your own?" It was his response that resonated with me and continues to preoccupy my mind. He commented, "No offense, and I appreciate the gesture, but your not all that intimidating!"
There is truth in his statement of course. The question I asked myself (and subsequently answered) is why? It seems no matter how advanced we get everything still comes down to raw strength and physical appearance. Originally I was tempted to limit my observations to the male gender but it applies equally to the female sex. I would go so far as to say that had I been both taller and more muscular I would have had a much easier and happier childhood. That is not to say that the more physically inclined get a free ride, only that they have less obstacles to overcome.
When you are physically more intimidating people behave differently around you. While not an absolute, people are naturally and almost instinctively inclined to avoid conflict with you. Physical appearance can intrinsically provide a basic level of respect based on simple fear. The opposite is also observably true. When the subject is not perceived as a threat the incentive to avoid conflict is lessened. How often do you see a group of high school students making fun of someone who appears to be capable of grinding them to a pulp. This response doesn't stop with high school. A large part of how you are treated throughout life is directly tied to a persons physical presence and by extension their intimidation.
To me, physical strength is not nearly as intimidating as the will to do what others won't. Some of the worst conflicts result from the inability to assess anything other than physical presence. No sane person enters willingly into a conflict they don't believe they can win. Yet whenever we see mismatched opponents we fail to take this into consideration.
We wonder sometimes what causes students become violent and lash out, but sometimes it seems so obvious. Knowing you are unable to win in a fair fight is hardly an incentive to fight fair. Kids are simply doing what man has done since the beginning of time. If you can't beat you opponent hand to hand then lie down and die or find a stick with which to strike him with.
I have come to terms with reality concerning this issue. Whether it is fair or not is irrelevant. Might makes right, and to a certain extent human beings are programmed at some basic level to respect strength. The most basic observable manifestation of strength will always be physical appearance. I must accept that I can not change this. The only real decision I have is whether my understanding compels me to change.
There is truth in his statement of course. The question I asked myself (and subsequently answered) is why? It seems no matter how advanced we get everything still comes down to raw strength and physical appearance. Originally I was tempted to limit my observations to the male gender but it applies equally to the female sex. I would go so far as to say that had I been both taller and more muscular I would have had a much easier and happier childhood. That is not to say that the more physically inclined get a free ride, only that they have less obstacles to overcome.
When you are physically more intimidating people behave differently around you. While not an absolute, people are naturally and almost instinctively inclined to avoid conflict with you. Physical appearance can intrinsically provide a basic level of respect based on simple fear. The opposite is also observably true. When the subject is not perceived as a threat the incentive to avoid conflict is lessened. How often do you see a group of high school students making fun of someone who appears to be capable of grinding them to a pulp. This response doesn't stop with high school. A large part of how you are treated throughout life is directly tied to a persons physical presence and by extension their intimidation.
To me, physical strength is not nearly as intimidating as the will to do what others won't. Some of the worst conflicts result from the inability to assess anything other than physical presence. No sane person enters willingly into a conflict they don't believe they can win. Yet whenever we see mismatched opponents we fail to take this into consideration.
We wonder sometimes what causes students become violent and lash out, but sometimes it seems so obvious. Knowing you are unable to win in a fair fight is hardly an incentive to fight fair. Kids are simply doing what man has done since the beginning of time. If you can't beat you opponent hand to hand then lie down and die or find a stick with which to strike him with.
I have come to terms with reality concerning this issue. Whether it is fair or not is irrelevant. Might makes right, and to a certain extent human beings are programmed at some basic level to respect strength. The most basic observable manifestation of strength will always be physical appearance. I must accept that I can not change this. The only real decision I have is whether my understanding compels me to change.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Day 1 of ...
Every year around this time my wife leaves to go scrap booking with her family at a cabin down south. She gets to spend some quality family bonding time and I get to hang out and do my own thing. This year is a little different however since our daughter was born.
I think at first she considered taking our daughter with her. Eventually however she realized it might be somewhat impractical. I have no reservations about watching our daughter by myself. After all I'm a big boy and a parent so I think of watching our daughter as less of a task and more of a responsibility and a privilege. I may be projecting, but I can't help but to sense a general feeling of apprehension about the arrangement from my mother and to a lesser degree my wife.
Yesterday was my first day taking care of her myself in the afternoon. Overall it was uneventful and normal. We played, she peed, she ate, she barfed on me, the usual. Once all her needs were taken care of and she had gone to sleep I was free to pursue "me time".
The only event that really stood out to me was her bath. As I sat beside the tub washing her and playing with her my mother came upstairs to "observe". At one point as I leaned her forward to wash her back she began to slide around the tub which is normal. When it happened my mother commented, "It's not so easy is it?" I looked up to see her smiling smugly as though reveling in some vindication.
I must admit, I was really irritated and after I moment I told her so. I have never insinuated that caring for a child was an "easy job". By her smugness and sense of vindication however I felt as though I had somehow been cast into the stereotypical mindset of an American male circa 1950. I had been type cast in a very unique way, not directly, but by this perception that any struggle I might undergo somehow provided a feeling of satisfaction.
I find it interesting from a mental standpoint just how intricate and subtle the implication was. Something as simple as exacting satisfaction at something could create a perception about someone else. I actually think that without realizing it, if someone then felt attacked it would invoke a defensive reaction them. Suddenly the person finds themselves defending a position they never actually had in the process of fending off what they believe is a personal attack, only later to wonder how they ended up on that side of the argument to begin with.
I have let go of much of my feelings about the situation now. Mostly because I have come to realize that she is most likely projecting feelings about my father or others. While I don't think it is right, I don't believe it is malicious. In the end if some small satisfaction at my expense might serve as a balm for some past hurt I don't want to rob her of it.
I think at first she considered taking our daughter with her. Eventually however she realized it might be somewhat impractical. I have no reservations about watching our daughter by myself. After all I'm a big boy and a parent so I think of watching our daughter as less of a task and more of a responsibility and a privilege. I may be projecting, but I can't help but to sense a general feeling of apprehension about the arrangement from my mother and to a lesser degree my wife.
Yesterday was my first day taking care of her myself in the afternoon. Overall it was uneventful and normal. We played, she peed, she ate, she barfed on me, the usual. Once all her needs were taken care of and she had gone to sleep I was free to pursue "me time".
The only event that really stood out to me was her bath. As I sat beside the tub washing her and playing with her my mother came upstairs to "observe". At one point as I leaned her forward to wash her back she began to slide around the tub which is normal. When it happened my mother commented, "It's not so easy is it?" I looked up to see her smiling smugly as though reveling in some vindication.
I must admit, I was really irritated and after I moment I told her so. I have never insinuated that caring for a child was an "easy job". By her smugness and sense of vindication however I felt as though I had somehow been cast into the stereotypical mindset of an American male circa 1950. I had been type cast in a very unique way, not directly, but by this perception that any struggle I might undergo somehow provided a feeling of satisfaction.
I find it interesting from a mental standpoint just how intricate and subtle the implication was. Something as simple as exacting satisfaction at something could create a perception about someone else. I actually think that without realizing it, if someone then felt attacked it would invoke a defensive reaction them. Suddenly the person finds themselves defending a position they never actually had in the process of fending off what they believe is a personal attack, only later to wonder how they ended up on that side of the argument to begin with.
I have let go of much of my feelings about the situation now. Mostly because I have come to realize that she is most likely projecting feelings about my father or others. While I don't think it is right, I don't believe it is malicious. In the end if some small satisfaction at my expense might serve as a balm for some past hurt I don't want to rob her of it.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Xoom xoom
I've been pineing over a tablet device for sometime now. When Motorola offered a free blu tooth keyboard and two day shipping with the purchase of a Xoom it was all the incentive I needed to get me off the fence. We barely managed to get our order in before the deal ended a few days ago, and today they arrived. We were a little disappointed with Fed Ex as they gave the packages to someone standing in our driveway who informed them that they did not live here. Luckly the person was a friend of ours and that aside they arrived in good condition.
We were excited and eager, as is anyone with a shiny new toy. The device is lightweight and yet solid enough that it doesn't feel flimsy or cheap. True the reviews it is a fingerprint magnet! After you the initial setup and "ohhhhh ahhhhh" phase I found myself thinking, "Now what?" I have this thing now what do I do with it? Of course I immediately tried to run Frontierville. At first attempt it loaded but did not seem playable. Afterwards I was impressed when I noticed that Android had already brought over and installed many of the apps that had been using on my phone.
The interface is smooth and responsive but suffers from an issue that seems indicitive of all tablets (even the Ipad). A hot topic seems to be how the different platforms handle multitasking. To my mind neither of them currently do in a true sense. Both OS's support uses multiple applications, but only one at a time. If you are in your browser and you get a message, you click a notification and now you are no longer looking at your browser as the chat window has filled the screen. When you finish your message you switch back yet again to your browser window once again leaving the chat window behind until you receive another message. I hesitate to use the word "window" but you need to be able to resize apps or set them on top of or behind other apps. I want browse the web and have my messages appear in a semi transparent window that I can respond to by clicking in.
I need to have patience however as the medium is still young and developing. I really like the "app model" of distributing software. For the most part apps are priced in the right range. $1, $2, $5 etc is more than reasonable for most apps and even in the event that you do purchase a dud your only out one or two dollars instead $30 or $40.
I've seen a number of posts asking whether or not a tablet could replace someones laptop or desktop pc. The answer of course never simple yes or no as it really depends on what you are using your machine for. As a developer it can't replace my work machine, but I have been intrigued by the idea of replacing my everyday use platform with a tablet. I think that with right configuration and applications a tablet could in fact be a viable alternative. I'm feeling confident enough that I am going to try it and see how it goes!
The challenge: Utilize the tablet in place of a pc or laptop for everyday use as appropriate. *Disclaimer, usage pertains to where it would be appropriate. ex. My work requires the use of development tools that are not available on most mobile platforms.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Friends and Facebook
Like it or not Facebook has had a significant impact of society, though I won't comment whether for the better or worse. Facebook didn't necessarily change the way in which we communicate, communicating being defined as the transmission of data. What fundamentally changed was the nature by which communication is consumed.
Rewind 50 years and consider the following scenario: You've just had a baby and you want to let other people know. What do you do? You compile a list of people you think might want to know about the event and write them each a letter. For brevity you try to consider whether some people will be interested enough. Fast forward a couple of decades and perhaps instead of letters you are deciding who to call. Speed forward a few more decades and replace the phone with email.
Email gave us the advantage of simply copying multiple recipients but the premise is still unchanged in that you must specifically select the people you think may have interest in your message. What Facebook really did that was so "revolutionary" was shifting the responsibility of interest from the person disseminating the information to those with an interest in receiving it. Passive observation has allowed for more people to take part in conversations they find relevant.
Intrinsic to the Facebook communication model is the concept of "Friends". I believe "Friends" was a good choice of words to describe the implied contract between both people. Lets look at what we are really saying when we accept a friend request. Creating this connection as friend means ultimately that both parties have some mutual interest in each other and by extension in what they may have to say or things happening their lives. It does not imply an obligation to comment or reply to the information that is being distributed. For all intents and purposes it represents the same principal as its "real life" counterpart.
Consider then very carefully what you are saying when you "UnFriend" someone. The message you are sending is very clear. It is the "real world" equivalent of saying to someone, "I have no real interest in anything you do or say nor am I interested in sharing anything with you. I do not care about you, what you do, or what you think." Some people believe that actions online do not extend to real life. As though to say you could write you friend an email to tell them you hate them and wish they would die, but still show up for dinner at their house later that day only to be confused at why they are upset. Your actions, digital or real, still convey Your feelings and intentions.
Recently a long time friend of my wife and I decided to "UnFriend" her and then became immediately confused when I in turn "UnFriended" him. At the surface it sounds quite silly and petty like children making faces at each other on the playground, but when you look a little harder you see the real intent. To translate it to the real world the conversation would be similar to the following:
In many ways I think Randi and I were both disappointed. Its not everyday that someone goes out of their way to tell you they don't like you. Our disappointment however was somewhat tempered by our expectations but this was one of those instances where you hope that you will be wrong.
In many ways these particular friends have always been a direct antithesis of us. Personally I don't consider this to be bad thing necessarily as different viewpoints and approaches are what make life interesting. The problem is the perspective that someone adopts when supporting an opposing view. Some people support their difference of opinions and beliefs as a simple matter of preference, while others tend toward tearing down opposing views.
Unfortunately these particular friends have always tended towards the latter category. One point in particular was children. Haven chosen not to reproduce anyone who did not feel similarly was stupid and wrong. Although we feel differently on the subject it had never mattered in the past since we didn't have children yet. When feared that having children would probably mean an end to our friendship with them but optimistically we hoped not. Although nothing was directly said, shortly after the announcement communication began to drop off until our friendship finally ended.
Looking back it is somewhat sad. Very few friendships actually come to a definitive end, opting instead to simply drift apart for a while. Some would say that such an ending indicates that there was never any real friendship to begin with, but I would have to disagree. Looking back I can definitely recall some very fond memories and good times. Though I do not relish the feelings of disappointment I would not trade the fun we had and the good times we shared in order to avoid it.
Rewind 50 years and consider the following scenario: You've just had a baby and you want to let other people know. What do you do? You compile a list of people you think might want to know about the event and write them each a letter. For brevity you try to consider whether some people will be interested enough. Fast forward a couple of decades and perhaps instead of letters you are deciding who to call. Speed forward a few more decades and replace the phone with email.
Email gave us the advantage of simply copying multiple recipients but the premise is still unchanged in that you must specifically select the people you think may have interest in your message. What Facebook really did that was so "revolutionary" was shifting the responsibility of interest from the person disseminating the information to those with an interest in receiving it. Passive observation has allowed for more people to take part in conversations they find relevant.
Intrinsic to the Facebook communication model is the concept of "Friends". I believe "Friends" was a good choice of words to describe the implied contract between both people. Lets look at what we are really saying when we accept a friend request. Creating this connection as friend means ultimately that both parties have some mutual interest in each other and by extension in what they may have to say or things happening their lives. It does not imply an obligation to comment or reply to the information that is being distributed. For all intents and purposes it represents the same principal as its "real life" counterpart.
Consider then very carefully what you are saying when you "UnFriend" someone. The message you are sending is very clear. It is the "real world" equivalent of saying to someone, "I have no real interest in anything you do or say nor am I interested in sharing anything with you. I do not care about you, what you do, or what you think." Some people believe that actions online do not extend to real life. As though to say you could write you friend an email to tell them you hate them and wish they would die, but still show up for dinner at their house later that day only to be confused at why they are upset. Your actions, digital or real, still convey Your feelings and intentions.
Recently a long time friend of my wife and I decided to "UnFriend" her and then became immediately confused when I in turn "UnFriended" him. At the surface it sounds quite silly and petty like children making faces at each other on the playground, but when you look a little harder you see the real intent. To translate it to the real world the conversation would be similar to the following:
Friend: "Hello Joshua and Randi. Randi I don't really like you anymore, I'm really not interested in anything you do or say and I'd really rather you stay out of my business as well."
Joshua: "Please leave now."
Friend: "Why? What did I do?!?"
Joshua: "Please leave now."
Friend: "Why? What did I do?!?"
In many ways I think Randi and I were both disappointed. Its not everyday that someone goes out of their way to tell you they don't like you. Our disappointment however was somewhat tempered by our expectations but this was one of those instances where you hope that you will be wrong.
In many ways these particular friends have always been a direct antithesis of us. Personally I don't consider this to be bad thing necessarily as different viewpoints and approaches are what make life interesting. The problem is the perspective that someone adopts when supporting an opposing view. Some people support their difference of opinions and beliefs as a simple matter of preference, while others tend toward tearing down opposing views.
Unfortunately these particular friends have always tended towards the latter category. One point in particular was children. Haven chosen not to reproduce anyone who did not feel similarly was stupid and wrong. Although we feel differently on the subject it had never mattered in the past since we didn't have children yet. When feared that having children would probably mean an end to our friendship with them but optimistically we hoped not. Although nothing was directly said, shortly after the announcement communication began to drop off until our friendship finally ended.
Looking back it is somewhat sad. Very few friendships actually come to a definitive end, opting instead to simply drift apart for a while. Some would say that such an ending indicates that there was never any real friendship to begin with, but I would have to disagree. Looking back I can definitely recall some very fond memories and good times. Though I do not relish the feelings of disappointment I would not trade the fun we had and the good times we shared in order to avoid it.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The middle aged and the restless.
It's about 3:45 and I just can't seem to sleep. I've been restless the last few days although I'm not sure why. Even now as I lay here in bed blogging from my I feel unsettled. It's almost as though I've left something undone but I can't quite remember. Time seems to just slip past me again and the moments feel fleeting.
I have an overwhelming desire to go to the sea. Perhaps the weather here is just getting to me. So much left undone... and yet the thought of the warm ocean air and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore seems to excuse all responsibility. It's a pity that we spend most of our lives locked away from desires. At the end of our lives we will look back on the small handful of moments we truly enjoy and wonder why they number so few.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Uninteresting Musings
All this morning my mind has been preoccupied with the notion of time again. I was specifically pondering the concept of future. We often suppose that the idea of predestination precludes the possibility of free will. If it is written then what real choice do we have, and yet history is littered with predictions and visions. If time is not written there is nothing to see beyond the moment and if time is not recorded than there is nothing to look back on except memory.
An idea suddenly occurred to me that perhaps time and even mortality are not really the problem, but instead symptoms of something bigger, linearity. Our entire lives our governed by linearity and its manifestation as order. Words follow single file to form sentences, like footsteps that comprise a journey. We experience life in a single file arrangement of moments. Rob yourself of all your worldly senses and you will find that you have little left with which to distinguish the idea of "now" from "then" or even "soon".
If our eyes could see only black and white, color would still be present. The mind is limited by the means in which it has for receiving input. Time however is a concept and not necessarily limited by a physical input. The Greeks had two words for time chronos, which refers to the idea of sequential time, and kairos which refers to a qualitative period of undetermined time.
In the New Testament of the Bible kairos is referred to as "the appointed time in the purpose of God" or the time when God acts. In the Catholic church the words, "Kairos tou poiesai to Kyrio" are recited before the Divine Liturgy, which means "It is time for the Lord to act" and is used to indicate that the time of the liturgy intersects with eternity. As far back as Aristotle man has felt the need separate the distinctions of time to make absolutely clear that traditional linear concept was not the intended meaning.
If we remove the idea of linearity from time and assume for the moment that everything has happened, is happening, and will happen at once then perhaps destiny does not preclude free will. We ourselves have the choices and are making the choices. When an author writes a book he is choosing the words and order, and yet when he reads his book he is following his story in a linear fashion. It isn't that he cannot choose what his characters will do next, its that he has already chosen.
I doubt that anyone else will find any of my thoughts of any significant interest, but perhaps they will provide some comfort when I reflect on them later. There are moments when I feel so close understanding something I can't explain, and then suddenly its gone.
An idea suddenly occurred to me that perhaps time and even mortality are not really the problem, but instead symptoms of something bigger, linearity. Our entire lives our governed by linearity and its manifestation as order. Words follow single file to form sentences, like footsteps that comprise a journey. We experience life in a single file arrangement of moments. Rob yourself of all your worldly senses and you will find that you have little left with which to distinguish the idea of "now" from "then" or even "soon".
If our eyes could see only black and white, color would still be present. The mind is limited by the means in which it has for receiving input. Time however is a concept and not necessarily limited by a physical input. The Greeks had two words for time chronos, which refers to the idea of sequential time, and kairos which refers to a qualitative period of undetermined time.
In the New Testament of the Bible kairos is referred to as "the appointed time in the purpose of God" or the time when God acts. In the Catholic church the words, "Kairos tou poiesai to Kyrio" are recited before the Divine Liturgy, which means "It is time for the Lord to act" and is used to indicate that the time of the liturgy intersects with eternity. As far back as Aristotle man has felt the need separate the distinctions of time to make absolutely clear that traditional linear concept was not the intended meaning.
If we remove the idea of linearity from time and assume for the moment that everything has happened, is happening, and will happen at once then perhaps destiny does not preclude free will. We ourselves have the choices and are making the choices. When an author writes a book he is choosing the words and order, and yet when he reads his book he is following his story in a linear fashion. It isn't that he cannot choose what his characters will do next, its that he has already chosen.
I doubt that anyone else will find any of my thoughts of any significant interest, but perhaps they will provide some comfort when I reflect on them later. There are moments when I feel so close understanding something I can't explain, and then suddenly its gone.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Things left unsaid
With the birth of my son or daughter just around the corner I wondered what I would want them to know in the event that I were not around to teach them.
To my child
Although I do not yet know you, believe me when I say that I love you. Your mother and I have loved you since you were a mere idea and our love only grows as we wait for you to be born. If my only accomplishment in life were you I would rest feeling fulfilled. Although I am not so foolish to believe that I can summarize 30 years of life in a few pretty words. I would leave you the following knowledge that I have learned along my way.
In all things try to be honest with yourself. The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves. Self truth is often uncomfortable, but understanding and accepting who you are is the first step to becoming who you want to be. It has been said that a person will often believe a lie, either because they want it to be true, or they fear that it might be true. Strive to recognize this in yourself as well as others.
Although I wish I could impart my faith to you, finding it and understanding it is an individual journey. In your life you will find many people who wish to "give it to you" or "take it from you". You will encounter many convincing arguments against it, but understand that faith by its very nature is not something that can be argued. By its very definition faith is belief in the absence of proof. Faith is not something rationalized, it is something felt and experienced.
Of love and marriage each day teaches me more but I impart to you a few cherished realizations that was lucky to have very early in life. If you take only one thing away with you from my words let it be this. Make sure the person that you choose to be with is someone you respect and who respects you. That respect will build the foundation for a relationship that will support you when all seems lost. I love and respect your mother and our relationship has shaped me into a better person. I pray with all my heart that you may know the same love I have found in your mother.
The following may seem the suspicious words of an older generation but time has rendered them no less true. Guard well your surroundings and understand how the things that you surround yourself with influence your point of view, be it people, culture, or simple media. Be who YOU are, not what anything tells you to be. With honesty, faith, and a strong partner you discover not only who you are but who you truly want to be.
With all my love,
You Father
P.S. Change your own front brakes and a good sense of humor will help you through some otherwise irritating times.
To my child
Although I do not yet know you, believe me when I say that I love you. Your mother and I have loved you since you were a mere idea and our love only grows as we wait for you to be born. If my only accomplishment in life were you I would rest feeling fulfilled. Although I am not so foolish to believe that I can summarize 30 years of life in a few pretty words. I would leave you the following knowledge that I have learned along my way.
In all things try to be honest with yourself. The easiest lies to believe are the ones we tell ourselves. Self truth is often uncomfortable, but understanding and accepting who you are is the first step to becoming who you want to be. It has been said that a person will often believe a lie, either because they want it to be true, or they fear that it might be true. Strive to recognize this in yourself as well as others.
Although I wish I could impart my faith to you, finding it and understanding it is an individual journey. In your life you will find many people who wish to "give it to you" or "take it from you". You will encounter many convincing arguments against it, but understand that faith by its very nature is not something that can be argued. By its very definition faith is belief in the absence of proof. Faith is not something rationalized, it is something felt and experienced.
Of love and marriage each day teaches me more but I impart to you a few cherished realizations that was lucky to have very early in life. If you take only one thing away with you from my words let it be this. Make sure the person that you choose to be with is someone you respect and who respects you. That respect will build the foundation for a relationship that will support you when all seems lost. I love and respect your mother and our relationship has shaped me into a better person. I pray with all my heart that you may know the same love I have found in your mother.
The following may seem the suspicious words of an older generation but time has rendered them no less true. Guard well your surroundings and understand how the things that you surround yourself with influence your point of view, be it people, culture, or simple media. Be who YOU are, not what anything tells you to be. With honesty, faith, and a strong partner you discover not only who you are but who you truly want to be.
With all my love,
You Father
P.S. Change your own front brakes and a good sense of humor will help you through some otherwise irritating times.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Baby Countdown
Since I am humming Final Countdown as I write this, feel free to hum along as you read it.
We are week 37 now so the baby is full term! Which means it could arrive anytime between now and the next three weeks. It seems inconsiderate for it not to narrow down the time frame a bit but I will have to wait to have that discussion after it arrives. In all seriousness though I have mixed emotions. I have become used to my wife's protruding belly and feeling the baby push against the palm of my hand through her. I am accustom to the pregnancy in way that it has integrated into my life.
The experience feels more real now that the due date is so much closer. Many people comment when they ask me how far along my wife is that I am unusually calm about the situation. I always found the comment strange, was I supposed to be a nervous wreck? Am I supposed to be afraid, excited? How should one feel at this time? Am I broken or did I fail to realize something? Perhaps my ADHD is a hidden blessing as I tend not to dwell on any one thing at length.
I do have some anxieties, its just they center on different things. When we want something we can and usually do imagine it. If you want a car, you can see yourself driving it and you can imagine the experience. I have always wanted very much to be a parent, but now that it is happening I find I am unable to visualize the experience. We have taken child birth classes, watched movies, and read books on birth. I am filled with the facts of the experience, and yet when I place myself there in my minds eye I am blind. In those brief moments when I feel anxious I think it is mostly a fear born out of that inability to imagine.
At first I wondered if my ability to "see it" was a sign that for reason it would fall short of actually happening. More recently I have begun to come to understanding that perhaps the birth of my child is not something to be imagined, but instead something to be experienced. It has often been said of me that I am emotionally very strong ( as both an insult and a compliment ). I have a sense that this experience in all its wonder will not just "move me" but permeate through me in a way I have yet to grasp. Maybe underneath it all that's what I'm really anxious about.
We are week 37 now so the baby is full term! Which means it could arrive anytime between now and the next three weeks. It seems inconsiderate for it not to narrow down the time frame a bit but I will have to wait to have that discussion after it arrives. In all seriousness though I have mixed emotions. I have become used to my wife's protruding belly and feeling the baby push against the palm of my hand through her. I am accustom to the pregnancy in way that it has integrated into my life.
The experience feels more real now that the due date is so much closer. Many people comment when they ask me how far along my wife is that I am unusually calm about the situation. I always found the comment strange, was I supposed to be a nervous wreck? Am I supposed to be afraid, excited? How should one feel at this time? Am I broken or did I fail to realize something? Perhaps my ADHD is a hidden blessing as I tend not to dwell on any one thing at length.
I do have some anxieties, its just they center on different things. When we want something we can and usually do imagine it. If you want a car, you can see yourself driving it and you can imagine the experience. I have always wanted very much to be a parent, but now that it is happening I find I am unable to visualize the experience. We have taken child birth classes, watched movies, and read books on birth. I am filled with the facts of the experience, and yet when I place myself there in my minds eye I am blind. In those brief moments when I feel anxious I think it is mostly a fear born out of that inability to imagine.
At first I wondered if my ability to "see it" was a sign that for reason it would fall short of actually happening. More recently I have begun to come to understanding that perhaps the birth of my child is not something to be imagined, but instead something to be experienced. It has often been said of me that I am emotionally very strong ( as both an insult and a compliment ). I have a sense that this experience in all its wonder will not just "move me" but permeate through me in a way I have yet to grasp. Maybe underneath it all that's what I'm really anxious about.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Come and gone
Another weekend seems to have whizzed by again. Friday is sort of blur after work. Saturday Julie came over and the three of us worked on the nursery and the upstairs bathroom. Painting was actually more fun than it has been in the past. Sunday all I remember is church, having lunch with Mike and then moving a couple items in the house. With the desk and the other bookshelf in the office its really starting to come together. The Nintendo PC is a perfect size for the space that its in. All I have to do is finish pick it up and finding a place for things and it will be a really neat space. Now its time for bed only to get up again tomorrow to start the week a new.
Sometimes the weekend just feels like some arbitrary demarcation to help break up the days and differentiate one week from the next. The baby should be due anytime in the next three weeks but it somehow feels so far away. I often wonder if I am on auto-pilot at some points throughout the day. It seems like every time I look up from what I'm doing hours have passed.
Sometimes the weekend just feels like some arbitrary demarcation to help break up the days and differentiate one week from the next. The baby should be due anytime in the next three weeks but it somehow feels so far away. I often wonder if I am on auto-pilot at some points throughout the day. It seems like every time I look up from what I'm doing hours have passed.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Resolutions for 2011
Looking over my 2010 resolutions I have a sense of accomplishment. In some ways 2011 is more significant than previous years. It represents for me not only the beginning of a new year but also the start of a new phase of my life. This will be my first year as a father and later as a catholic. Earlier last year I also made a transition that was significant at least to me, I turned 30. So 2011 represents the beginning of many things in my life.
Games
While I still intend to play video games I think perhaps the time has come to redefine the role they play in my life. I want to try shy away from or minimize my time playing maintenance "Skinner Box" games such as Farmville. It isn't that I do not enjoy them as much as the enjoyment they provide is not equal to amount of time and investment they require. I had originally planned to stop once I reached some arbitrary point in each game, but realized that these points were the same silly carrots that perpetuate my continuous playing.
Books
I have not read a book in what seems like forever. I need to read more this year and try to expand my own horizons.
Food
I am a sugar junkie. This year I am going to try to bring this under control. Chocolates and cookies have been my guilty pleasure for so long. I don't want to go overboard and eliminate sugar as much as I want to bring my cravings under control. Another goal under this topic is to reduce the amount of fast food I eat.
Potty mouth
This year I am going to work harder at controlling my potty mouth. Yes that includes my often colorful made up lyrics and songs.
Perspective
I want to try to keep a positive perspective on things. In general I have been doing pretty good with this but sometimes it is hard for me to see the forest through the trees.
Calmness
I tend to be a rather hyper and excitable person. While I think this has its benefits I would like to exude more of a sense of calm and peacefulness. Sometimes I have a tendency to say so much that nothing is really heard. I think that I may be able to say more by speaking less and really choosing my words carefully.
Assertiveness
I am going to work on being less passive about the things that are important to me.
For 2011 I would like to work on being a better husband, a good father, and a more understanding person.
Games
While I still intend to play video games I think perhaps the time has come to redefine the role they play in my life. I want to try shy away from or minimize my time playing maintenance "Skinner Box" games such as Farmville. It isn't that I do not enjoy them as much as the enjoyment they provide is not equal to amount of time and investment they require. I had originally planned to stop once I reached some arbitrary point in each game, but realized that these points were the same silly carrots that perpetuate my continuous playing.
Books
I have not read a book in what seems like forever. I need to read more this year and try to expand my own horizons.
Food
I am a sugar junkie. This year I am going to try to bring this under control. Chocolates and cookies have been my guilty pleasure for so long. I don't want to go overboard and eliminate sugar as much as I want to bring my cravings under control. Another goal under this topic is to reduce the amount of fast food I eat.
Potty mouth
This year I am going to work harder at controlling my potty mouth. Yes that includes my often colorful made up lyrics and songs.
Perspective
I want to try to keep a positive perspective on things. In general I have been doing pretty good with this but sometimes it is hard for me to see the forest through the trees.
Calmness
I tend to be a rather hyper and excitable person. While I think this has its benefits I would like to exude more of a sense of calm and peacefulness. Sometimes I have a tendency to say so much that nothing is really heard. I think that I may be able to say more by speaking less and really choosing my words carefully.
Assertiveness
I am going to work on being less passive about the things that are important to me.
For 2011 I would like to work on being a better husband, a good father, and a more understanding person.
Monday, December 27, 2010
It's hard sometimes to just stay positive. I feel like nothing ever really lasts. Time erodes all things, people die, mountains crumble etc. Sometimes everything just seems so pointless. Fast forward 100 years, will anything I've ever done really matter? Probably not. Fast forward another 500 years or even a thousand and suddenly my entire life is so insignificant that its not even relate-able. A precious few that have made some significant contribution to mankind may find a few words about their lives in a text book but the majority will be overlooked.
Looking backward we know some of the key players in the construction of the pyramids but the vast majority of the workers were unremarkable and so they go unremembered. They all lived, worked, married, had children etc and then they died and were mourned for a generation before passing out of all memory. Time is a framing mechanism that gives our lives context and meaning. The longer the time span the more insignificant we become.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that since I feel insignificant I should just give up and not do anything. I will admit the thought is depressing but that doesn't necessarily mean I am depressed about it. I understand it and I want to say that I accept it but I think some part of me is still fighting.
Looking backward we know some of the key players in the construction of the pyramids but the vast majority of the workers were unremarkable and so they go unremembered. They all lived, worked, married, had children etc and then they died and were mourned for a generation before passing out of all memory. Time is a framing mechanism that gives our lives context and meaning. The longer the time span the more insignificant we become.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that since I feel insignificant I should just give up and not do anything. I will admit the thought is depressing but that doesn't necessarily mean I am depressed about it. I understand it and I want to say that I accept it but I think some part of me is still fighting.
I've been feeling "meh" lately but I'm not sure why. I spent all of Sunday sort of just laying in the bean bag chair watching American Dad. Off topic but there is a commercial on TV for a workout video called Flirty Girl Fit (FlirtyGirlfit.com). It's hilarious and sad all at the same time. Maybe if they re-marketed it as an instructional video for strippers... As a bonus you can learn the "Chair Dance" and the "Pole Dance". I think that may have cheered me right up.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Play Dom-jot human?
I have been thinking a lot lately about a particular episode of Star Trek (TNG) called "Tapestry". In it Jean-Luc Picard dies and meets an omnipotent acquaintance who questions the captain about any regrets he might have in his life. One incident from his youth readily comes to mind as it relates to his death now. He is then given the chance change the past by not taking that same risk. After correcting his mistake however he returns to life to find he is a different man, "bereft of passion and imagination" created from a lifetime of playing it safe.
In a plea to set things back he says, "I would rather die as the man I was than live the life I just saw." After restoring his past he is returned to life with a new understanding about himself and later makes a profound statement:
In a plea to set things back he says, "I would rather die as the man I was than live the life I just saw." After restoring his past he is returned to life with a new understanding about himself and later makes a profound statement:
"There are many parts of my youth that I'm not proud of. There were... loose threads - untidy parts of me that I would like to remove. But when I pulled on one of those threads - it'd unravel the tapestry of my life."
I have always held to the belief that we should embrace are mistakes because they often play a vital role in shaping who are and who we will become. However my mind keeps returning to the earlier revelation that always playing it safe may get you through life unscathed but it also leaves you with no great passion. It may seem cliche but to quote William Wallace: "Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."
Sometimes I wonder if this applies to me? My reluctance to sometimes make decisions is based on the fear of being wrong or more simply put the fear of the risk. There is a flip side to this metaphorical coin however in that I believe sometimes those who risk the most have the least to lose. I am very happy with my life as it is and though many risks may offer me much gain it often seems paltry in comparison to what I have and could therefor lose. "For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul? - Mark 8:36, Matthew 16:26, & Luke 9:25" I suppose the answer lies in finding middle ground between the extremes which has never really been my strong point.
Did I just quote Star Trek, Braveheart, and the Bible together....
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
So whats happened since the last time I blogged? I suppose there have been a few things worth mentioning.
At work I finally had to deal with a situation in which a co-worker was constantly wanting to buy Rx medication from me or have me join him during lunch to smoke pot. Despite the constant reminder that I am not interested in any of those activities he persisted until I was unfortunately forced to do something about it. After that I was temporarily pulled into another contract to assist on a project I knew nothing about. The expectations were that I would come in and instantly fix everything. Additionally it was assumed that I would just work non-stop with little or no consideration for petty things like sleep. At one point I simply put my foot down and said enough, well see how well that move bodes for me in the future.
Aside from work my friend decided to divorce his wife in the pursuit of happiness. In the interim he is staying with me until his wife is finished moving out of the house. Oddly enough now that he actually lives with me I see or hear from him less than ever. Most nights he is pre-occupied with more important things, but such is life. It was an interesting change to get used to having someone else live you but for most part I hardly remember he is there. There has been a bit of back and forth about whether he would sell the house or keep it but most of that has been ironed out now.
I can't remember the last time my father was around but its been a while. He came over with the rest of the family a while ago and pretty much acted like a child. I'm not sure what his problem was but he hardly said two words to me. Every 10 to 15 minutes was interrupted by him reminding everyone that he would rather not be there and would like to go home. Since that day I hadn't heard from him. I called him on this birthday but got no answer. Yesterday he called and acted as though nothing ever happened. He wanted to tell me my grandparents were coming down and to invite us to a cook out. I wouldn't say that I am really upset with him because I just really don't care.
We started RCIA classes recently. Overall I am enjoying them though I feel like sometimes they meander along seeking a direction. My mother didn't seem to take too well to the idea of me being catholic but she didn't protest too much. Her religious beliefs could best be describe as attending the Church of A&E and the History channel. Its an odd mixture of space aliens, reincarnation, and a myriad of gods including "the god". In the end it doesn't really matter what people think. I'm doing this for me.
Diving has been a lot of fun recently despite a few set backs. Someone walked off with a rented tank of my air on my Gilboa trip, but in the end they returned it to the shop. It still caused a bit of stress until it showed up. Other highlights of that trip included loosing my mask (someone found it for me) and throwing up underwater (which was actually kind of fun). My dive buddy sort of petered out on me about half way through. I still have Bill to dive with and I did have fun at the France Park scavenger hunt. I only got to do one dive however. After I got out of the water the first time I was so cold I had to change into dry clothes. The underwater pumpkin carving is coming up but I don't know if I am going yet or if I even want to.
My brother-in-law is wanting my wife and I to do some work for him and he is coming over sometime next week to do some video work. I've been working on finishing up the basement but its a lot of work and slow going. Meanwhile my wife has began her nesting stage of pregnancy and has begun addressing an agenda of her own. Patience is my focus lately as I try to let things roll off of me. Things have a way of being resolved whether we worry about them or not. I'm just not sure if that classifies as faith or apathy.
So as you can see not much has happened lately, just more of the same day in and day out.
At work I finally had to deal with a situation in which a co-worker was constantly wanting to buy Rx medication from me or have me join him during lunch to smoke pot. Despite the constant reminder that I am not interested in any of those activities he persisted until I was unfortunately forced to do something about it. After that I was temporarily pulled into another contract to assist on a project I knew nothing about. The expectations were that I would come in and instantly fix everything. Additionally it was assumed that I would just work non-stop with little or no consideration for petty things like sleep. At one point I simply put my foot down and said enough, well see how well that move bodes for me in the future.
Aside from work my friend decided to divorce his wife in the pursuit of happiness. In the interim he is staying with me until his wife is finished moving out of the house. Oddly enough now that he actually lives with me I see or hear from him less than ever. Most nights he is pre-occupied with more important things, but such is life. It was an interesting change to get used to having someone else live you but for most part I hardly remember he is there. There has been a bit of back and forth about whether he would sell the house or keep it but most of that has been ironed out now.
I can't remember the last time my father was around but its been a while. He came over with the rest of the family a while ago and pretty much acted like a child. I'm not sure what his problem was but he hardly said two words to me. Every 10 to 15 minutes was interrupted by him reminding everyone that he would rather not be there and would like to go home. Since that day I hadn't heard from him. I called him on this birthday but got no answer. Yesterday he called and acted as though nothing ever happened. He wanted to tell me my grandparents were coming down and to invite us to a cook out. I wouldn't say that I am really upset with him because I just really don't care.
We started RCIA classes recently. Overall I am enjoying them though I feel like sometimes they meander along seeking a direction. My mother didn't seem to take too well to the idea of me being catholic but she didn't protest too much. Her religious beliefs could best be describe as attending the Church of A&E and the History channel. Its an odd mixture of space aliens, reincarnation, and a myriad of gods including "the god". In the end it doesn't really matter what people think. I'm doing this for me.
Diving has been a lot of fun recently despite a few set backs. Someone walked off with a rented tank of my air on my Gilboa trip, but in the end they returned it to the shop. It still caused a bit of stress until it showed up. Other highlights of that trip included loosing my mask (someone found it for me) and throwing up underwater (which was actually kind of fun). My dive buddy sort of petered out on me about half way through. I still have Bill to dive with and I did have fun at the France Park scavenger hunt. I only got to do one dive however. After I got out of the water the first time I was so cold I had to change into dry clothes. The underwater pumpkin carving is coming up but I don't know if I am going yet or if I even want to.
My brother-in-law is wanting my wife and I to do some work for him and he is coming over sometime next week to do some video work. I've been working on finishing up the basement but its a lot of work and slow going. Meanwhile my wife has began her nesting stage of pregnancy and has begun addressing an agenda of her own. Patience is my focus lately as I try to let things roll off of me. Things have a way of being resolved whether we worry about them or not. I'm just not sure if that classifies as faith or apathy.
So as you can see not much has happened lately, just more of the same day in and day out.
Friday, August 13, 2010
A lesson learned and bridges burned
The past few days have proved both stressful and insightful. I've learned a lot about myself and other people. Now that things seemed to have settled down I have more time to put my thoughts on the matter down.
Have you ever known someone that you just couldn't fully believe in anything they said? Whenever they speak your left with the feeling that whether through omission or exaggeration you aren't quite getting the whole truth. It so happens that my wife and I have just such a friend. In addition to his allergy with the truth his stories tend to be grandiose over-productions that are clumsily laden with unintentional insults at the listener. Over time you just understand it and accept that its a part of who he is.
Last week this particular person called me. The call would not be extraordinary except that I can count on one hand the number of times he has called in the past 5 years. I chuckled as he opened with an unintended insult, "Hey listen, normally you'd be the last person on earth I would ask for a favor but...". He was in a bind and needed to borrow some money. I agreed to try and help him and asked how much he needed. Unfortunately he needed to borrow $500.00, and that is somewhat over the limit of what I can casually lend and I told him I would need to speak to my wife first.
Before I proceed the following are the facts what my wife and I knew at that point. Little more than a month ago during a frustrated day at work he quit and walked out. This is the same company that he fire from once before and cited that an internal conspiracy within the company would not allow him to file for unemployment. Having quit he was of course not eligible for benefits this time either. His wife works a steady minimum wage job and they had recently cashed out her 401k savings from a previous company. According to him they also had a plethora of savings on which to live for some time.
After a few weeks of sitting around he decided to take classes to become an insurance salesman. In the same month while paying for classes and supplies he also made several large purchases. An IMac, IPad, IPhone and other numerous toys were purchased all the while proclaiming savings were intact. Indeed he had even had enough to play with buying and selling stock. Now suddenly he has encountered a mysterious reversal of fortune in the span of one week? Had he spent through all of their savings, the money from her retirement, the money in stocks already? Perhaps more likely is that each pool of money was really one and the same.
I have never inquired into his financial stability because I honestly figure that it is none of my business. I have a tendency to empathize with people and this time was no different. After discussing it with my wife we both decided that $500 was more than we afford to lose. Because we wanted to help we offered to loan him $200 or $500 if he had some collateral. He was not interested in either option. I honestly felt bad. I really did want to help, but it felt too irresponsible to my own obligations to accept the risk.
Days later he called again to ask if I would co-sign on a loan for $2000. Unfortunately we could not. Again he repeated the urgency and importance of his need. I once again offered to loan him some money with collateral but when I tried to speak to him he told me he was too busy doing his chores to speak of it today and we would have to speak tomorrow. I must admit I was dumbstruck. So urgent was his needs for funds that he wanted the money wired, and then when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it outright as though he has all the time in the world.
I was right there with that one action that I lost all empathy for his situation. It occurred to me in that moment that he created his situation. He was either embellishing his need for money, or he failed to fully understand the severity of his situation. In either case it became clear to me. I believe he has every intention of paying me back. I do not however believe that he is capable of understanding his own situation in way appropriate to substantiate his belief. He believes he can repay me simply because he wants it to be so.
The next day only confirmed my beliefs on the matter. While he agreed to put up collateral it was under the condition that he be able to keep it. In the event that he couldn't pay, "I could just come over and take what ever he wasn't using". All the items of value belong to his wife and as such may not be used as he is solely responsible for resolving the situation on this own. This was another clue that lending him money was a bad idea. There is no solidarity at home, she has been removed from all responsibility for what will soon become consequences that impact both of them.
Both my wife and I feared that these events would damage or end our friendship and for the most part we were right. They see us as greedy and untrusting. In a sense their situation has become our fault. If WE had been willing to loan THEM money we "obviously" had they wouldn't be in a bad situation. In all honestly the blame doesn't bother me. It's hard sometimes when your in the middle of a bad situation of your own design to stop and accept responsibility. I think we instinctively look for someone to blame and take the responsibility out of our own hands.
I tried to explain why I couldn't just loan him the money outright. In the end I have to be accountable to my own family. If I loan him the money and he fails to repay it, we will suffer the consequences. If that happens I can't simply blame him for not paying me back. The responsibility of my decisions stays with me. As I feared my explanation fell on deaf ears. Although we may have burned a bridge it has taught me not to base my decisions on my empathy.
Have you ever known someone that you just couldn't fully believe in anything they said? Whenever they speak your left with the feeling that whether through omission or exaggeration you aren't quite getting the whole truth. It so happens that my wife and I have just such a friend. In addition to his allergy with the truth his stories tend to be grandiose over-productions that are clumsily laden with unintentional insults at the listener. Over time you just understand it and accept that its a part of who he is.
Last week this particular person called me. The call would not be extraordinary except that I can count on one hand the number of times he has called in the past 5 years. I chuckled as he opened with an unintended insult, "Hey listen, normally you'd be the last person on earth I would ask for a favor but...". He was in a bind and needed to borrow some money. I agreed to try and help him and asked how much he needed. Unfortunately he needed to borrow $500.00, and that is somewhat over the limit of what I can casually lend and I told him I would need to speak to my wife first.
Before I proceed the following are the facts what my wife and I knew at that point. Little more than a month ago during a frustrated day at work he quit and walked out. This is the same company that he fire from once before and cited that an internal conspiracy within the company would not allow him to file for unemployment. Having quit he was of course not eligible for benefits this time either. His wife works a steady minimum wage job and they had recently cashed out her 401k savings from a previous company. According to him they also had a plethora of savings on which to live for some time.
After a few weeks of sitting around he decided to take classes to become an insurance salesman. In the same month while paying for classes and supplies he also made several large purchases. An IMac, IPad, IPhone and other numerous toys were purchased all the while proclaiming savings were intact. Indeed he had even had enough to play with buying and selling stock. Now suddenly he has encountered a mysterious reversal of fortune in the span of one week? Had he spent through all of their savings, the money from her retirement, the money in stocks already? Perhaps more likely is that each pool of money was really one and the same.
I have never inquired into his financial stability because I honestly figure that it is none of my business. I have a tendency to empathize with people and this time was no different. After discussing it with my wife we both decided that $500 was more than we afford to lose. Because we wanted to help we offered to loan him $200 or $500 if he had some collateral. He was not interested in either option. I honestly felt bad. I really did want to help, but it felt too irresponsible to my own obligations to accept the risk.
Days later he called again to ask if I would co-sign on a loan for $2000. Unfortunately we could not. Again he repeated the urgency and importance of his need. I once again offered to loan him some money with collateral but when I tried to speak to him he told me he was too busy doing his chores to speak of it today and we would have to speak tomorrow. I must admit I was dumbstruck. So urgent was his needs for funds that he wanted the money wired, and then when I try to talk to him about it he just dismisses it outright as though he has all the time in the world.
I was right there with that one action that I lost all empathy for his situation. It occurred to me in that moment that he created his situation. He was either embellishing his need for money, or he failed to fully understand the severity of his situation. In either case it became clear to me. I believe he has every intention of paying me back. I do not however believe that he is capable of understanding his own situation in way appropriate to substantiate his belief. He believes he can repay me simply because he wants it to be so.
The next day only confirmed my beliefs on the matter. While he agreed to put up collateral it was under the condition that he be able to keep it. In the event that he couldn't pay, "I could just come over and take what ever he wasn't using". All the items of value belong to his wife and as such may not be used as he is solely responsible for resolving the situation on this own. This was another clue that lending him money was a bad idea. There is no solidarity at home, she has been removed from all responsibility for what will soon become consequences that impact both of them.
Both my wife and I feared that these events would damage or end our friendship and for the most part we were right. They see us as greedy and untrusting. In a sense their situation has become our fault. If WE had been willing to loan THEM money we "obviously" had they wouldn't be in a bad situation. In all honestly the blame doesn't bother me. It's hard sometimes when your in the middle of a bad situation of your own design to stop and accept responsibility. I think we instinctively look for someone to blame and take the responsibility out of our own hands.
I tried to explain why I couldn't just loan him the money outright. In the end I have to be accountable to my own family. If I loan him the money and he fails to repay it, we will suffer the consequences. If that happens I can't simply blame him for not paying me back. The responsibility of my decisions stays with me. As I feared my explanation fell on deaf ears. Although we may have burned a bridge it has taught me not to base my decisions on my empathy.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Zero Punctuation
I must admit that lately I've been indulging a bit of an obsession. Sometime ago a friend introduced me to an online game review video type blog on The Escapist Magazine called Zero Punctuation. The author doing the reviews is a British born gentleman currently living in Australia. What makes his game reviews so unique is the format. The reviews are animated in his own trademarked style. As the name might suggest he speaks at a very fast pace as he literally picks games apart.
It's a combination of things that keeps me enthralled. His rate of speech while considered fast paced is at the speed in which I wish all conversations took place. Also his frequent use of color metaphors and comparisons for illustrating his point hits close to home. Metaphors have long been my preferred method for communicating not just a thought but the feeling behind it. His brand of humor is sarcastic but honest in way I can relate to.
I've been listening to his reviews for weeks now, waiting impatiently each Wednesday for him to release a new one. Last night / this morning while searching on YouTube I stumbled across a number of people who either subtly or just blatantly try to recreate Yahtzee's (his nickname) style but it always falls short. Everyone I watched had some of the same elements but never enough to create that winning combination. I just find combination of his rate of speech, accent, and humor oddly soothingly.
I must admit there is a part of me that desperately wants to do something similar. The problem is I know I would fall short. More than that I think an effort to copy someone is misguided. I think if I ever decided to try some type of review etc I would need to find my own angle to make it unique. Food for thought.
It's a combination of things that keeps me enthralled. His rate of speech while considered fast paced is at the speed in which I wish all conversations took place. Also his frequent use of color metaphors and comparisons for illustrating his point hits close to home. Metaphors have long been my preferred method for communicating not just a thought but the feeling behind it. His brand of humor is sarcastic but honest in way I can relate to.
I've been listening to his reviews for weeks now, waiting impatiently each Wednesday for him to release a new one. Last night / this morning while searching on YouTube I stumbled across a number of people who either subtly or just blatantly try to recreate Yahtzee's (his nickname) style but it always falls short. Everyone I watched had some of the same elements but never enough to create that winning combination. I just find combination of his rate of speech, accent, and humor oddly soothingly.
I must admit there is a part of me that desperately wants to do something similar. The problem is I know I would fall short. More than that I think an effort to copy someone is misguided. I think if I ever decided to try some type of review etc I would need to find my own angle to make it unique. Food for thought.
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